Football news, rumours and lies.
Monthly Archives: February 2011
London, February 27th 2011
Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti has admitted after thinking about the subject “long and hard” that Ashley Cole is “a bit of a twat”.
Cole has hit the headlines again in recent days after it emerged that he “accidentally” shot a 21 year old work experience student with an air rifle. It has been this final incident that has caused Ancelotti to make his unprecedented statement.
In front of a packed press conference Ancelotti stated that “previously I thought that Ashley was merely misunderstood. I have defended him in the past. However I have now reviewed all of the evidence and it seems that he is, how you say, a prize bell-end.”
Ancelotti mentioned several high profile incidents that Cole had been involved in during the course of the press conference.
“When Ashley was found to be texting pictures of himself half-naked to a girl he met, I initially thought it was merely youthful exhuberence. Then I remembered that this man was married to one of the most beautiful women in the world and it dawned on me: He is an utter fucking prick.”
Ancelotti punctured much of his statement with the laughter of a man who has realised something mind-bendingly obvious.
He giggled as he said “I mean, come on. This is a man who drove at 104mph in a 50mph residential zone and tried to weasel out of it. He cheated on his wife 4 times. He swore at a policeman. Best of all, at the age of 25 he released an autobiography that nobody read and I doubt that he wrote with his own hands. He’s such a moron that when we discuss tactics in training we just let him go and do some colouring in.”
Ancelotti ended the conference with a straight face, apologising for taking so long to realise that his left-back is “indeed one of the most irritating, selfish, arrogant, stupid and ham-fisted sacks of bubbling wank walking the face of the Earth”.
Manchester, February 27th 2011
Following controversy regarding the obvious elbow on Wigan’s James McCarthy during Manchester United’s 4-0 victory at the DW Stadium on Saturday, it has emerged that Wayne Rooney has escaped punishment for several other violent outbursts.
Referee Mark Clattenberg has been accused of turning a blind eye to the incident at the weekend, whilst United assistant boss Mark Phelan has insisted the referee saw the incident. “Of course he saw it” stated the mouthpiece of sir Alex Ferguson. “He even told Wayne it was a cracking shot and laughed at McCarthy on the ground.” When asked if this was wrong, Phelan replied “of course not. He’s Wayne fucking Rooney.”
Following on from this, sources close to the club have confirmed the other rumoured incidents involving the England striker:
He once kicked a kitten over a fence just to impress Colleen;
He set fire to a disused factory in Manchester and filmed it to post on YouTube;
He slapped a 5 year old autograph hunter in the face screaming “there’s your fucking signature”;
Most tellingly of all, last close season he travelled to Nevada after watching the Johnny Cash biopic Walk The Line. Wanting to actually echo the sentiments of the song, he found a homeless man and as friends and family gathered around he tied him up and shot him point blank in the face. Police were aware of this but apparently Rooney had special dispensation to do this.
The Nevada chief of police stated yesterday that he had letters signed by Prime Minister David Cameron and the Football Association saying that Rooney should be allowed freedom to do whatever he chose, a request to which the chief was told to adhere to. He did question it though, and was apparently told “he can do whatever he pleases. He is, after all, Wayne Fucking Rooney.”
Manchester, February 27th 2011
The parents of Mark Hughes and Roberto Mancini had to be called to Eastlands this afternoon after the warring managers were involved in an unsavoury spat after the final whistle of the 1-1 draw between Manchester City and Fulham.
After an ill-tempered handshake between the two bosses, words were exchanged in the tunnel on the way back to the dressing room.
It is thought that Hughes called Mancini “a scarf-wearing pretty boy with girl hair” before Mancini slapped him around the ear and kicked him in the shin. Stewards managed to split them up before briefly before Hughes broke through them and thrust his knee into the groin of Mancini, before bending the Italian’s fingers back until he screamed.
Mancini did manage to stop this onslaught by stamping on the toes of Hughes before throttling the Welshman with his trademark pale blue and white scarf. He then pulled out a handful of his hair and hit him with a “tango slap” – two cupped hands clapped together over Hughes’ ears. It is often thought that this can cause victims to go deaf, but Hughes seems to be showing no ill effects.
With the Fulham boss on the floor, it is thought that Mancini started on his way back to his dressing room when he was confronted by Fulham assistant manager Mark Bowen. As he distracted Mancini, Hughes crawled behind the Italian on all fours and when he was in place, Bowen pushed him over. With Mancini on the floor, Bowen held him down by kneeling on his shoulders and Hughes gave him an extra-hard Chinese burn.
Unofficial reports coming out of the City of Manchester Stadium state that Hughes even spat on his hands first to make sure that the Chinese burn was extra intense.
Both sets of parents are said to be “very disappointed” in the behaviour of their sons, with Mancini’s mother Irene stating that although her son came off worse, he is “just as bad as the other one”.
London, February 27th 2011
Young Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny has been voted into the all time greatest Arsenal players XI, as voted for by Tottenham Hotspur supporters.
The organisers of the poll stated that his “tremendous” performance in today’s Carling Cup final defeat as being responsible for his late surge into the starting line-up, replacing previous number one Manuel Almunia.
Szczesny is now selected alongside such Arsenal legends as Ian Selley, Pascal Cygan, Eddie McGoldrick, Gus Caesar, Chris Kiwomya, Pal Lydersen, Glenn Helder, Remi Garde and team captain Francis Jeffers.
Sources closest to the Arsenal keeper have stated that “Wojciech thinks this is a great honour. It’s usually so difficult to break into a side that is often dominated by George Graham’s midfield signings.”
London, February 27th 2011
Following accusations of an affair in 2010, Arsene Wenger is once again in hot water with his wife following her close examination of receipts following his visit to a Tesco Metro in Islington last week.
It is thought that Wenger purchased rudimentary foodstuffs, a copy of Heat magazine and most tellingly, six bottles of “Brasso” brand polish for silverware.
Despite earning a handsome salary as boss of Arsenal it is thought that Mr and Mrs Wenger constantly have disagreements over financial issues, and a source close to the couple has insisted that this might be “the final straw”.
Security camera footage from the store obtained by Inside the Sheepskin shows a positively giddy Wenger entering the shop on Friday night at 10.48pm, giggling like a schoolgirl. He located the trophy polish before even looking for the rest of his shopping and emptied the shelf of the six bottles that were there before asking an assistant if there were any more in the back. When he was answered in the negative he asked where the nearest subsequent store would be that would be open at such a late hour. It is not known if he managed to purchase further bottles from another store.
The bottles of “Brasso” are now sitting in a cupboard in Wengers utility room, next to a celebratory basket of Polish sausage.
London, February 24th 2011
Chelsea striker Fernando Torres has suffered for form since signing from Liverpool for a British record £50 million fee. Blues fans need worry no more though, as an explanation is at hand.
Inside the Sheepskin has spoken to a hologram from the future called Admiral Al Calavicci who has stated that Torres’ current lameness in front of goal is down to his body being possessed by a time travelling quantum physicist called Sam Beckett. Beckett apparently “leaps” from subject to subject, from timezone to timezone, all in the bid to finally get “home” and back to his timeframe of early 1990s Hollywood.
“Sam has been sent to make a difference to the supporters of Chelsea football club” Al explained, whilst smoking a cigar and wearing a Hawaiian shirt. “He just needs to do something that results in Carlo Ancelotti getting the sack, and then he’ll make the leap to the next person.”
Al seemed pleased with Torres / Sam’s performance against Champions League minnows FC Copenhagen on Wednesday evening, stating that “you could tell that Sam has never kicked a ball in his life” and despite having the speed, power and agility of Torres’ body was still “the utter drizzling shits”.
We asked Al is Chelsea fans could look forward to Torres being back to normal once Sam has moved on. He fiddled with some kind of electronic device and stated “Yeah. He’ll score a couple of goals then get injured for 3 months, then rinse and repeat.”
It is thought that the romantic subplot between Torres / Sam and an attractive trainee physiotherapist at the club who is tired of clumsy male advances will fail once Sam moves on and Torres resumes being a floppy haired, acne-scarred hit-and-hope spoiled rich kid.
Los Angeles, February 24th 2011
Fashionista, walking haircut and occasional footballer David Beckham has put an end to the recent strife in North Africa and the Middle East by briefly referencing the hotspots on Twitter.
Beckham is thought to have been watching CNN when he decided to tweet “Sick of all the fighting. Why can’t we everyone get on? Leeders (sic) that people don’t want should leave.”
Within seconds of the world’s most famous sportsman making this declaration the wheels of democracy spun rapidly into action.
First to feel the effects of his important proclamation was Saudi Arabia, where King Abdullah added to the benefits package that he promised his nation yesterday with further religious tolerance, political freedom and the pledge to provide every household with a HD-ready television so that his people can “bask in the glory that is Beckham.”
Yemen president Ali Abdullah Saleh was next to follow suit, immediately stepping down and ordering troops to erect large murals and statues of Beckham and his wife Victoria, proclaiming them the “wisest and most dynamic couple.” He paid extra special tribute to their cheekbones.
President Bouteflika of Algeria made an impassioned speech to his nation via state television, stating that he “never realised what a dick he was” until Beckham pointed it out. He added that he would “ensure that power was immediately given back to the people of Algeria” and thanked Beckham for showing him that the solution was “so painfully obvious when pointed out by such a legendary taker of free kicks.”
Of course, the hardest nut to crack in the recent crisis has been Libya’s Colonel Gaddaffi, and after a painful silence of around 4 hours after Beckham first tweeted he stepped out onto the balcony of his palatial Tripoli residence. He briefly addressed the baying crowd below him, telling the pro-Gaddaffi militias to put down their arms. He then spoke to his detractors, insisting that “it took the power of goldenballs to make me see the light” before shooting himself in the temple, killing himself instantly.
Witnesses say that he screamed “forgive me David!” before pulling the trigger.
With one half of the Beckham Hollywood power-couple solving one of the world’s biggest issues, it is thought that Victoria will follow this up by addressing the annoyance of visible panty lines in the next issue of Vogue.
Warwickshire, 24th February 2011
Well known racist and sunglasses wearer Ron “Big Ron” Atkinson has finally been approached for a new managerial job, over 5 years since his last post as caretaker boss at Peterborough United.
It is understood that after staring at his PC screen for several weeks and repeatedly clicking the “refresh” button that the former Manchester United gaffer has been offered the post of manager at League 2 strugglers Accrington Stanley in the fictional 2015-2016 season on the PC game Football Manager.
“Obviously it’s a massive challenge” said the perma-tanned one yesterday. “They’re 6 points adrift at the bottom of League 2 and have been through two managers already in this fictional future season. There’s a lot to do.”
Accrington have suffered in the made-up 2015-2016 season after the loss through injury of veteran striker Steve Howard and both player manager Robbie Savage and his replacement Chris Hutchings have already been fictionally sacked in the past six months.
Atkinson has targeted the strikeforce as the main area to improve, believing that “attack is the best form of defence”. He has already asked what players are available from other League 2 teams by clicking his mouse a few times and talking to the screen like he’s having an actual conversation with other managers. However after being offered Adebayo Akinfenwa by League 2 new boys Woking he made some excuses about the player not being quite right, despite an excellent goalscoring record at that level.
Ron is thought to be fictionally interested in approaching the PC version of Lee Bowyer to work on his coaching staff.
Whilst his contract at Accrington is short term, Atkinson has already thought about the future. “If this computer thing doesn’t work out I’ll try that play by mail” he said, spilling pickle from his sandwich over his mouse mat.
Liverpool, February 22nd 2011
Andy Carroll is due to make his début appearance on Merseyside this week, with a bumper crowd expected to watch him.
The £35 million striker is due to take the stand as the accused on a charge of vandalism after kicking the window of a kebab shop in a fit of rage after ordering the wrong post-night out meal with his new Reds team-mates.
Throngs of Kopites are due to sit in the public gallery at Liverpool Crown Court wearing “Carroll 9” replica shirts and holding their scarves upside down for the cameras as they sing You’ll Never Walk Alone until they are silenced by the clerk of the court.
“He’s already a legend” said one fan, clearly not needing to be at work this afternoon when the news was announced. “He’s already scaring local businesses left right and centre, imagine what he’ll be able to do on the global stage”.
“This time he’s terrorized the Turks” added another supporter. “You can see him doing the same to the Italians, Spanish and Portuguese. I’ve already heard rumours that he kicked off in a Nandos when he realised he had to place his order himself but they calmed him down with free Red Pepper Dip.”
Carroll – according to witness statements – ordered a doner kebab from the independent Gala-Satay-Ray kebab shop in Liverpool City Centre last week but became agitated when he started eating it and claimed he asked for a mixed chicken and lamb shish with extra chilli sauce. He communicated mainly through flicking his hair, pounding his fists and monosyllabic grunts. When he left the shop he smashed the window with one kick from his powerful right hoof before falling over in a pool of urine in the gutter. The police were called shortly after.
If he is found guilty he will break Stan Collymore’s record for quickest conviction as a Liverpool player. Collymore received a fine for importing bizarre animal pornography from an address in Denmark just three months into his spell with the Reds.
It is thought that the court may prefer to let Carroll live with a team-mate (as he did with Kevin Noble at Newcastle), but most of his colleagues are currently inventing stories of visiting family, pregnant partners or not speaking Geordie.
West Bromwich, February 22nd 2011
Roy Hodgson has pleaded with the board of his new WBA side that they desperately need more players with ridiculous names.
“We’ve only really got the two that are really hilarious – Gianni Zuiverloon and Peter Odemwingie. We really need more to stay in the Premier League”.
It is hoped that the Baggies boss will be allowed special permission from the FA to sign some of his much-needed comedy-named players in order to paralyse opposition team talks in their remaining games.
“Peter has scored so many goals this season because most opposition coaches will just give up on pronouncing his name rather than discuss him before matches against us” added Hodgson. “In many games most defences seem to have no idea that he even exists”.
On Hodgson’s wishlist thus far are thought to be the following:
Congolese striker BONGO CHRIST.
DANGER FOURPENCE, Zimbabwean defender.
Seychelles prospect JOHNNY MOUSTACHE.
FANNY SCHAMP, Belgian defensive midfielder.
It is thought that the above signings won’t be enough for Hodgson though – he is in advanced talks with the WBA board to change the name of the team to “The Boing Boing Baggy Baggy Bromwich Striped Black Country Baggies”. When questioned whether it was a bit of a mouthful for the fans Hodgson stated “Who cares? I can’t understand a word they’re saying anyway.”