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David Beckham Speaks, Solves Arab World’s Problems
Los Angeles, February 24th 2011
Fashionista, walking haircut and occasional footballer David Beckham has put an end to the recent strife in North Africa and the Middle East by briefly referencing the hotspots on Twitter.
Beckham is thought to have been watching CNN when he decided to tweet “Sick of all the fighting. Why can’t we everyone get on? Leeders (sic) that people don’t want should leave.”
Within seconds of the world’s most famous sportsman making this declaration the wheels of democracy spun rapidly into action.
First to feel the effects of his important proclamation was Saudi Arabia, where King Abdullah added to the benefits package that he promised his nation yesterday with further religious tolerance, political freedom and the pledge to provide every household with a HD-ready television so that his people can “bask in the glory that is Beckham.”
Yemen president Ali Abdullah Saleh was next to follow suit, immediately stepping down and ordering troops to erect large murals and statues of Beckham and his wife Victoria, proclaiming them the “wisest and most dynamic couple.” He paid extra special tribute to their cheekbones.
President Bouteflika of Algeria made an impassioned speech to his nation via state television, stating that he “never realised what a dick he was” until Beckham pointed it out. He added that he would “ensure that power was immediately given back to the people of Algeria” and thanked Beckham for showing him that the solution was “so painfully obvious when pointed out by such a legendary taker of free kicks.”
Of course, the hardest nut to crack in the recent crisis has been Libya’s Colonel Gaddaffi, and after a painful silence of around 4 hours after Beckham first tweeted he stepped out onto the balcony of his palatial Tripoli residence. He briefly addressed the baying crowd below him, telling the pro-Gaddaffi militias to put down their arms. He then spoke to his detractors, insisting that “it took the power of goldenballs to make me see the light” before shooting himself in the temple, killing himself instantly.
Witnesses say that he screamed “forgive me David!” before pulling the trigger.
With one half of the Beckham Hollywood power-couple solving one of the world’s biggest issues, it is thought that Victoria will follow this up by addressing the annoyance of visible panty lines in the next issue of Vogue.