Football news, rumours and lies.
Rooney Shot a Man in Reno, Just To Watch Him Die
Manchester, February 27th 2011
Following controversy regarding the obvious elbow on Wigan’s James McCarthy during Manchester United’s 4-0 victory at the DW Stadium on Saturday, it has emerged that Wayne Rooney has escaped punishment for several other violent outbursts.
Referee Mark Clattenberg has been accused of turning a blind eye to the incident at the weekend, whilst United assistant boss Mark Phelan has insisted the referee saw the incident. “Of course he saw it” stated the mouthpiece of sir Alex Ferguson. “He even told Wayne it was a cracking shot and laughed at McCarthy on the ground.” When asked if this was wrong, Phelan replied “of course not. He’s Wayne fucking Rooney.”
Following on from this, sources close to the club have confirmed the other rumoured incidents involving the England striker:
He once kicked a kitten over a fence just to impress Colleen;
He set fire to a disused factory in Manchester and filmed it to post on YouTube;
He slapped a 5 year old autograph hunter in the face screaming “there’s your fucking signature”;
Most tellingly of all, last close season he travelled to Nevada after watching the Johnny Cash biopic Walk The Line. Wanting to actually echo the sentiments of the song, he found a homeless man and as friends and family gathered around he tied him up and shot him point blank in the face. Police were aware of this but apparently Rooney had special dispensation to do this.
The Nevada chief of police stated yesterday that he had letters signed by Prime Minister David Cameron and the Football Association saying that Rooney should be allowed freedom to do whatever he chose, a request to which the chief was told to adhere to. He did question it though, and was apparently told “he can do whatever he pleases. He is, after all, Wayne Fucking Rooney.”