Football news, rumours and lies.
Monthly Archives: March 2011
London, March 28th 2011
Chelsea have followed up their pre-contract signing of 17 year old Brazilian wonderkid Lucas Piazon by snapping up the unborn child of Rio couple Jorge and Rena Teixeres.
The couple have already got three sons – 8 year old twins that have already been signed to a long term deal by Santos, and a 4 year old that is reportedly interesting Real Madrid and Barcelona already despite not even playing a game for his kindergarten team.
Carlo Ancelotti stated this afternoon that the signing of the youngster – already dubbed “Foetusinho” by the press – is a key part of building for the future of the London club. “We are confident that our new signing will be a big part of the team in around 18 years time” said the Italian. “I expect by then I will be in my fourth spell as Chelsea manager”.
He then paused for laughter. None followed.
Foetusinho is expected to be great with both feet, have blistering pace and be incredibly skilful, whilst having a slight attitude problem that means Chelsea supporters are always waiting for him to hand in a transfer quest. When quizzed about this Ancelotti added that was “part of the excitement of having a Brazilian in the team”.
Rena Teixeres is currently under the supervision and care of the Chelsea medical staff who are ensuring that she does not eat any peanuts, raw eggs or fish during the course of the pregnancy. Not knowing the full details of how the child will grow up is part of the charm for Ancelotti: “The youngster could be a tall centre back like Lucio, or a strong and stocky centre forward like Adriano. We just don’t know at this stage. It is very exciting indeed.”
After pausing for thought Ancelotti added: “Unless it’s a girl.”
Cardiff, March 28th 2011
Gary Speed has likened starlet Gareth Bale to Manchester United and Wales legend Ryan Giggs in a press conference this afternoon. Bale may be absent from the Wales squad due to an injury but he is still on the mind of Speed.
“Bale is a tremendous talent. He reminds me of Ryan Giggs on so many levels: Great pace, maturity beyond his years, an amazing left foot and the ability to have a hamstring injury whenever the national team is playing” said the new Wales boss.
Giggs is the all time Manchester United record holder but only appeared 64 times in a Wales career that stretched over 16 years. Speed said of his former team-mate that he was a joy to behold in training: “He would astonish us all with the excuses he would come up with to avoid a Wednesday night trip to Budapest. if our physio ever gave his hamstring the all clear he would find another way. I think he attended the funerals of around 17 different grandparents over the years.”
Speed also spoke of his admiration for Giggs’ recovering abilities. “I don’t think he ever missed a Manchester United game after international duty, so that hamstring must be almost superhuman. You’ve got to hand it to Giggsy, he’s at the top of his game one minute, then virtually crippled to avoid a game against Azerbaijan, then right at the top of his game again. I think Gareth Bale is already learning a lot from him.”
Inside The Sheepskin tried to speak to Bale today but upon calling Tottenham’s training ground Harry Redknapp answered and told us that in addition to his hamstring strain Bale had got a “dicky tummy and was at home in bed and definitely not at training right now, no.”
Newcastle, March 22nd 2011
Whilst Leon Best and Stephen Ireland have apologised to Newcastle United supporters for their night out prior to their teammates being beaten 4-0 by Stoke City at the weekend, further controversy is now likely as more scandal from their evening has emerged.
The first issue is down to their alcohol intake – or lack of it. A NUFC supporters club representative has stated that he was “appalled” at the fact that they only had one drink each, and that drink was thought to be a mere bottle of Budweiser. He added “if they want to play for the Toon they should be drinking 8 bottle of Brown per bar, and gannin’ to at least 10 bars a night. Soft southern bastards.”
The venue of their evening has also been criticised. Instead of choosing either a garish, loud nightclub filled to the brim with scantily clad girls or a dank, dusty pub full of flat-cap and Toon shirt wearing men; It has now been revealed that the two players instead opted for a quiet wine bar and pretty much kept themselves to themselves. The NUFC supporters club have said that this is “a massive slap in the face”.
Our contact saved most of his disgust for the final bit of news though. We showed him CCTV footage of the two players leaving the club and he was visibly sickened by what he saw. He retched and heaved as it became obvious that the two men had committed the most heinous crime that a man can in the North East: Wearing coats.
“They’re dead to us now, man” said our contact. “That is the worst thing… I’m ganna hurl again.”
Best and Ireland are expected to receive death threats in the coming weeks, written on the back of “North Face” catalogues.
Manchester, March 22nd 2011
Fruitcake Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli has increased the controversy around his troubled first season in England by holding an impromptu press conference at Eastlands and seemingly being possessed by batshit-insane actor Charlie Sheen.
Balotelli stood for the entire press conference, chain smoking and wearing nothing but a undersized pair of burgundy velour y-fronts. He referred to manager Roberto Mancini as “the floppy haired Antichrist” and called his team-mates “a collection of losers and morons that have been flipped by a spatula from the greasy wok of life.”
When quizzed about his red card in the Europa League last week he referred to his “tigerblood”. He then paused to crumble up a packet of “Refreshers” sweets and snorted the rainbow coloured powder off the back of his hand whilst screaming “the fizz! The fizz! I am at one with the mother spirit! Suckle at my rubbery teat!”
Inside the Sheepskin understands that Balotelli has moved in with three women – a page three girl from Liverpool, a female professional wrestler only known as “Miss Destructo” and a midget. They apparently sleep together in a jacuzzi filled with blancmange.
When asked about his plans for the rest of the season, Balotelli merely said the word “winning” 43 times before urinating onto a Manchester City shirt that he had lit ablaze.
Roberto Mancini has dismissed Balotelli’s behaviour as “him just settling in”.
London, March 20th 2011
Hold on to your hats, ladies! Following on from the successful reunions of boybands such as Take That, Boyzone and Blue, the classic Arsenal back four of Lee Dixon, Tony Adams, Steve Bould and Nigel Winterburn have announced that they are getting back together for a special arena tour in the autumn.
At a packed press conference at the Dorchester Hotel in central London this afternoon, creative mastermind Steve “Baldy” Bould insisted that it had been on the cards for some time.
“I was in constant contact with Bernie (Winterburn) and I’d speak to the Dickmeister (Dixon) every month or so, but everything fell into place when we finally reconciled with the Beer Monster (Adams)” said Bould as flashbulbs lit up the room.
“It’s good to be back with the lads” added Adams, sporting a large crucifix around his neck and wearing the deepest v-neck t-shirt ever created. “I know we went our seperate ways for a while but this just feels right.”
Women across the UK and beyond are thought to be already queuing outside of the tour venues ready for when the tickets go on sale this coming Friday. The assembled press asked the fab four if they would be performing any new material, to which Dixon replied that they had been working on “some amazing new routines around the new craze for zonal marking.”
Winterburn was more concerned with revisiting the classics, saying that he couldn’t wait to “stand in a row and raise our arms, screaming offside as the crowd goes wild.”
Rumours abound that David Seaman was asked to join the group but was unable to grow back his signature ponytail in time.
London, March 20th 2011
Outspoken QPR manager Neil Warnock has been released on police bail following a series of incidents in London that he blamed on referee Phil Gibbs.
Gibbs was in charge of QPR’s 1-0 victory at Doncaster Rovers on Saturday but it is now clear that Warnock found several of his decisions somewhat contentious. Warnock was arrested this morning at his residence in West London by armed police, and was heard screaming Gibbs’ name as he was bundled into a police van with his hands cuffed behind his back.
It is alleged that Warnock deliberately drove his BMW X5 SUV into a crowd that had gathered outside a bar in Putney at around 11pm on Saturday, killing two men and injuring another six people, two of them seriously. He then backed his vehicle out, injuring a street pastor that came to survey the damage and offer assistance.
Despite having a badly damaged front axle, smashed windscreen and punctured tyres Warnock then drove another half a mile in his stricken vehicle before smashing it into a phone box, killing the user of the telephone instantly. He then abandoned his vehicle, setting fire to the seats as he left. The car eventually exploded, causing significant damage to the street and houses on it.
Swigging from a bottle of brandy, Warnock then shuffled towards a nearby petrol station. It is thought that the night cashier desperately tried to call for help as he spied Warnock pouring brandy around a petrol pump and then lighting the mixture of alcohol and spilled fuel with the dog-end of a large Cuban cigar. As the forecourt exploded the cashier was killed, and two bystanders – out late buying bread, mars bars and pot noodles – were hurt.
Further bystanders tried to subdue Warnock but he injured a further three by lashing out with his powerful elbows. He then stole a nearby car and made his escape until his arrest this morning.
Warnock’s lawyer has issued a statement from the embattled coach, saying that “Neil categorically denies any offences that he is accused of or members of the public may have seen him doing. Or that CCTV may have captured him doing. This is clearly a conspiracy from the Football Association who are defending the dreadful refereeing of Mr Phil Gibbs. My client holds Mr Gibbs 100% accountable for his actions and is certain that the FA and the police will agree.”
It is thought that Warnock will somehow manage to have a midfield hatchet man injure 4 of the jury at his trial, ensuring that he remains free to offend again.
Birmingham, March 20th 2011
A jolly Gerard Houllier held a press conference this morning to assure Aston Villa fans that he completely, like totally, knows what he’s doing.
Punctuating his statement by lapsing into fits of the giggles, he read from a pre-prepared script that seemed to be written on a “Hello Kitty” notepad. The statement in full is as follows:
I am aware of the Aston Villa fans chanting “you don’t know what you’re doing” to me during our 1-0 defeat to Wolverhampton Wanderers this weekend. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you all that I certainly do know what I’m doing. I am paid a vast, VAST amount of money to do my job and I happen to be excellent at it. I am achieving everything that I set out to do when I took up my position here as manager – in many ways, I’m ahead of my timescale.
I am confident that I will be able to achieve my goal of taking Aston Villa into the Championship within the next year. I have full backing of the excellently named Randy Lerner to do this, as he views the entire Villa “experiment” as a massive tax write-off.
I fully intend to strengthen the squad with further overpriced transfers in the vein of Darren Bent during the close season, spending as much money over the asking price as need be in order to have a roster of players who are as mercenary and unmotivated as myself. I will add to this by signing overpaid, over-the-hill former superstars such as Robert Pires who have all the pace and guile of a three legged hippopotamus.
Great things are ahead for Aston Villa. In the Championship are fans can enjoy us being in the top ten most important clubs!”
Houllier was then forced to stop talking as he laughed so hard that he started choking. When asked by the assembled media if he would be answering questions he raised his middle finger and left the room, chuckling to himself.
London, March 16th 2011
Tottenham Hotspur fans – renowned for being the pickiest in the world – are now irritating football supporters across the country with their constant blathering on about getting to the quarter finals of the Champions League.
One Leyton Orient fan told Inside the Sheepskin that a work colleague of his who supports Spurs had become the “bane of his life” with his constant bleating about a slight form of success in Europe.
“To be honest, I preferred it when he complained constantly about only having five top class strikers at the club or not having won the league that they have a god-given right to since 1961” said the fan. “I support a League One club and make the best of it. Now I have him emailing me 20 times a day asking me if I think they’ll win the Champions League, how much better Spurs are than Arsenal and how the Champions League is much more important than any domestic trophy.”
Spurs fans are snapping up t-shirts from their White Hart Lane club shop that read “at least the eighth best team in Europe” in their hundreds, and employers in North London have been deluged with requests for the date of the Champions League final off work from any Spurs fans that work for them.
Producers of the BBC’s “606” programme had to shorten the length of their programme last week to just half an hour. A source told us that “without Spurs fans calling in to complain about everything, the content of the programme was limited to one Manchester United fan from London, a couple of Liverpool fans using the phrase “nobody is bigger than the club” and a Manchester City fan weeping for three minutes before hanging up.”
It is thought that the current wave of optimism will be quashed once Tottenham are knocked out by Shakhtar Donetsk in the next round.
Brasilia, March 16th 2011
The Brazilian football association has been forced to admit this week that they are sadly running out of sensible names for new players.
“The time of catchy names for our players has passed” stated BFA vice president Roberto Ventura. “We are now reduced to scraping the bottom of the name barrel”.
A low point came last year when a 15 year old youth team player at Santos ended up being called “Ronaldinhoinhoinhoinhoino” – literally “the fifth little lad called Ronaldo that we rate quite highly”. The same youth team side has several Anglicised names too – a Greg, Darren, Steve, Nigel and Tiddles.
Player nicknames are often given based on the skills that the players possesses. Nigel, for example, is thought to be similar in playing style to former Chelsea and Liverpool midfielder Nigel Spackman, whilst Tiddles is a cat-like goalkeeper who happens to take free kicks.
One possible solution is taking the players long Portuguese names and turning their initials into acronyms – this is thought to be fraught with problems though, as Ventura explained: “Gremio have a young player called Carlos Umberto Negredo Thiago and he was fine using the acronym in Brazil but when he played in a tournament in the USA for some reason he got laughed off the park every game.”
Flamengo have started naming their players with more exotic names recently. In line with their former full back now plying his trade with SC Braga in Portugal called George Lucas they have players called Indiana, Han, Luke and Darth. When asked about choosing these names their coach stated that he chose the first three because of his fandom of the blockbuster films. For the last he stated that was a factor but mainly “he’s called Darth because he’s black and has asthma.”
London, March 16th 2011
With Rio Ferdinand reportedly unhappy with Fabio Capello for considering a return to John Terry as England captain, sources close to the Manchester United defender have said that he has issued a challenge to the Chelsea star for a wrestling match.
With England next playing at the end of the month, it is thought that the two will clash after a training session, as the remaining players stand watch and form an impromptu ring around the two combatants. Only the side square – Jermain Defoe – wants no part of this, saying that he’ll tell if anyone forces him to watch.
Despite being injured at the moment Ferdinand has been practising piledrivers and suplexes on his bedroom pillows, moonsaults on a bouncy castle that he has hired and applying figure four leglocks to anyone that will sit still for long enough.
“Rio is psyched” said team mate Michael Carrick. “He’s been watching Bret Hart videos on YouTube and has even designed his own outfit. This is a grudge match. It’s on.”
Sources close to John Terry have hinted that he may take a more dirty approach in the fight, with him growing his nails and resorting to kneeing colleagues in the groin when they aren’t expecting under the guise of “warming up for Rio.” Terry has not ruled out bringing a weapon to the match with him as “insurance” – such as a metal folding chair, baseball bat or salt to throw in Ferdinand’s eyes.
Both men are said to be training hard for the clash, with Ferdinand saying that he’s training so hard that he unfortunately can’t bring himself to urinate for any drugs tests that might occur during the build-up.