Football news, rumours and lies.
Midfielders Counting Down Days Till Paul Scholes Retires
Manchester, March 13th 2011
Despite being named by foreign midfielders such as Xavi, Franck Ribery and Mesut Ozil as one of their favourite ever players, midfielders in the English Premier League are actively looking forward to the time that Manchester United stalwart Paul Scholes retires.
Fulham star Jonathan Greening played in the same youth set-up as Scholes but said yesterday “I’m sick to death of the little fucker. Every time I play against him I can’t walk for a week afterwards. He was like this as a kid as well. Wish we’d never called him Gingernuts.”
Bolton Wanderers’ American international Stuart Holden reacted to the news that Scholes may not retire at the end of the season by saying “fuck off. Really? Oh god.” He then wept openly in the corner of the room, rocking backwards and forwards.
Everton’s Jack Rodwell was asked if he thought Scholes was a “pitbull” in midfield, to which he replied “no way. He’s more like an ill-tempered terrier, starved of attention and love and running on spite and anger, with a chip on his shoulder the size of Altrincham and a temper that makes the Incredible Hulk look like Mother Theresa.”
Scholes was busy training yesterday and did not want to comment on the opinions of his peers. Inside the Sheepskin observed his usual routine: Firing balls through a hanging tyre from 30 yards with his gifted right foot, then kicking a child to death.