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Mario Balotelli Channels Spirit of Charlie Sheen
Manchester, March 22nd 2011
Fruitcake Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli has increased the controversy around his troubled first season in England by holding an impromptu press conference at Eastlands and seemingly being possessed by batshit-insane actor Charlie Sheen.
Balotelli stood for the entire press conference, chain smoking and wearing nothing but a undersized pair of burgundy velour y-fronts. He referred to manager Roberto Mancini as “the floppy haired Antichrist” and called his team-mates “a collection of losers and morons that have been flipped by a spatula from the greasy wok of life.”
When quizzed about his red card in the Europa League last week he referred to his “tigerblood”. He then paused to crumble up a packet of “Refreshers” sweets and snorted the rainbow coloured powder off the back of his hand whilst screaming “the fizz! The fizz! I am at one with the mother spirit! Suckle at my rubbery teat!”
Inside the Sheepskin understands that Balotelli has moved in with three women – a page three girl from Liverpool, a female professional wrestler only known as “Miss Destructo” and a midget. They apparently sleep together in a jacuzzi filled with blancmange.
When asked about his plans for the rest of the season, Balotelli merely said the word “winning” 43 times before urinating onto a Manchester City shirt that he had lit ablaze.
Roberto Mancini has dismissed Balotelli’s behaviour as “him just settling in”.