Football news, rumours and lies.
Monthly Archives: April 2011
London, 25th April 2011
Arsene Wenger has been rushed to hospital after choking spectacularly at his London home.
The Arsenal boss was sitting watching television earlier this afternoon when he attempted to eat a Werther’s Original. After approximately four minutes of sucking the butterscotch sweet, he moved suddenly to swat a fly and the confectionery became lodged in his throat. His wife is thought to have administered several sharp blows to his back in order to get him to stop choking, but it seems that only made him worse.
A hospital spokesperson said that Wenger is “in a stable but choking condition” and added that the Frenchman “has a long history of choking, so is as comfortable with the situation as can be.”
In the past Wenger has choked upon broccoli, a cheese sandwich and every football season since 2005.
The ward where he is being treated has played host to many choking victims in the past: Mama Cass, Tennessee Williams and the 1995-96 Newcastle United side.
Glasgow, 25th April 2011
It has emerged that a game of football broke out between two sides supported by small-minded sectarian fuckwits yesterday, with over 40,000 spectators in attendance.
Two teams from Glasgow – Celtic, who are preferred by the Catholic population and Rangers, backed by Protestants – allegedly played out a 0-0 draw which featured very little incident, precious little racism and no parcel bombs or death threats sent to anyone by utter fucksticks.
Over 1,000 police had suited up in preparation for the usual riot – the seventh of the season – but they were surprised to see precious little violence either on or off the pitch. Even when El-Hadji Diouf was on the field. Celtic boss Neil Lennon received occasional boos from the home crowd, but for once nobody threw darts, sticks or live ammunition at him as he stood on the touchline.
With the police paying attention to acts of utter tiny-brained sectarian idiocy until the end of the season, it is thought that football may actually reign supreme for at least a few more weeks.
Next season however, rivalries are expected to flare up again as the fiercely territorial fans argue over who has the better team, area of Glasgow and pointless made-up religion. A spokesman from the police told Inside the Sheepskin that they were already thinking of the coming season: “We expect more of the same ridiculous, stupid posturing from adults who should know better. We’d like to state the following: Calm down. Neither of your teams could make it in League One of England, let alone the Premier League. Both areas surrounding Parkhead and Ibrox are dank, frightening shitholes that nobody in their right mind would want to live in. And if there was indeed a God, he wouldn’t have created Scotland.”
London, April 17th 2011
Following the traffic chaos that affected London over the weekend, Manchester United fans had their misery compounded when some of them had to endure journeys of up to 30 minutes to get home from Wembley following their 1-0 reverse to rivals Manchester City.
With the M1 closed from junctions 1 to 4, extra pressure was put on transport systems in London and many residents of the capital decided to not leave the city. This meant much more congestion on the tube and extra irritation for United fans trying to get home in time for tea following their deserved defeat.
Some fans were incredulous with rage after being forced to wait for public transport for over 8 minutes at Wembley Park tube station. To fill the time it is thought the United fans invented stories of how their relations were actually from Manchester, telling such stories in fake northern accents so bad that they wouldn’t be out of place in a Tesco Mobile advert.
Zurich, April 17th 2011
FIFA President Sepp Blatter has passed an urgent decree today making it mandatory for every broadcaster showing football to have at least one Scottish pundit.
Blatter addressed a packed press conference with the news, stating that “it is important for Scotland to keep making their main contribution to the sport: Self-important, whining co-commentators who are infinitely better at picking fault than they were at playing the game.”
The news has been met with praise by former Scottish footballers. Whilst the likes of so-called “legends” like Alan McInally, Charlie Nicholas and Pat Nevin already have jobs, this is expected to open up a lot of additional positions. Inside the Sheepskin spoke to former Dundee United and St Johnstone goalkeeper Alan Main who told us of the jobs that he has been offered so far: “I’ve spoken to networks in Lithuania, Estonia and Thailand regarding work.” He added that he was “surprised really, I didn’t think anyone outside of Perth or Dundee knew who the fuck I was.”
TV networks have been set a deadline of the start of the 2011/12 season to take on their Scottish pundits, although many have already started. Former second choice St Mirren ‘keeper Les Fridge, 42, has been unveiled as star pundit for the ESPN network in Mexico despite speaking no Spanish whatsoever. On his debut performance he criticised the defending of every team in Mexico through an interpreter.
The move has attracted some criticism though, with there being talk of non-Scottish pundits picketing the offices of FIFA. It is thought that Jamie Redknapp would lead these protests, as his endorsement of Thomas Cook travel agents means he has a fair amount of free air miles to spend on their budget airlines.
London, April 8th 2011
At a special press conference called today to announce his new job as a pundit for Sky TV, Gary Neville insisted that he would be showing no bias, but would “redress the balance” of pundits on BBC’s Match of the Day by having his own campaign of “anti scouse warfare”.
Citing the opinions of ex Koppites Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrensen as the kinds that he would like to avoid, he made a point of saying that “I will not be biased towards Manchester United in any way. I will merely be biased against every other team in the world, paying special attention to those filthy scouse bastards from down the M62, whose name I cannot even bring myself to say.”
Pausing between questions to read a copy of The Sun newspaper and to adjust his specially designed “Fuck You Scouse Cunts’ t-shirt, he added that “many people will presume that I will pay special attention to my former – and only – club, the mighty Manchester United. Please do not think this. I will give a balanced and accurate view of all the smaller and more insignificant teams as well as the greatest team on the planet.”
He smiled before adding “except those fucking dirty scousers, subhuman little guttersnipes that they are.”
When asked if he would court controversy like sacked pundits Richard Keys and Andy Gray, he stated that “I have no opinion on women to be honest. I only have an opinion on Manchester United, their football, their legacy and the best way to thump a ball into row z whilst getting paid £70,000 per week to do so.”
Sky have unveiled Neville as their “ultimate weapon”, stating that he is exactly as “biased as Hansen, creepy as Lawrensen and bland as Shearer, but with the ability to grow a mustache that makes him look like the remedial kid in every school that had a motorbike at 15 but couldn’t read.”
Liverpool, April 8th 2011
Anfield boss Kenny Dalglish has outwardly been discussing his side’s chances of making it into fifth place in the league, but sources close to him say that he is already secretly thinking about the summer.
Our source said that “he knows that the Red’s season is over already. No chance of any trophies and they’re not going to finish fifth.” He added that “the only thing keeping Kenny and the coaching staff from breaking up from their holidays already is the bet they’ve got going on whether Andy Carroll scores or gets arrested first.”
Dalglish has been seen thumbing through holiday brochures, planning outings with his wife to garden centres and any other activities that, to quote our source, “don’t involve thinking about the car-wreck that is Liverpool FC”.
It is thought that Dalglish has not ruled out taking a mid season break next year, treating his wife, children and grandchildren to a skiing holiday in Switzerland whilst leaving the team in charge of “someone who those sanctimonious fans will hail as a saviour until they mess up and I come back, tanned and healthy.”
Norwich, April 8th 2011
Norwich City have enjoyed a successful season and are pushing for promotion at this late stage – and much of this is down to the loveably chubby striker and club captain, Grant Holt.
Holt has suffered much criticism throughout his career – accusations that he couldn’t make it at a higher level, issues with his temperament and most tellingly, the fact that he is a great big fat man.
This season he has answered his critics, weighing in with 19 league goals and his steady captaincy has paid huge rewards with his team-mates. Fellow striker Simeon Jackson told Inside the Sheepskin that Holt was all business: “He knows that there’s a time to have a laugh and time to work hard” said Jackson. “Plus he’s happy to whip us all into shape. Especially if you take one of his donuts.”
Holt has also kept fans amused, growing a mustache for “Movember” and celebrating goals in unusual ways – he even picked up a booking during one game for sitting cross legged by the corner flag and eating a KFC Bargain Bucket after firing in a 30 yard screamer.
If Holt manages to secure promotion with Norwich he will become the fattest player to play in the top flight of English football since Tomas Brolin in the late 1990s. Brolin is currently living in a one bedroom flat in Gothenburg, unable to get out of bed without the aid of a winch.
The Norwich skipper does have some way to go before he can compete with the fattest player in English top-flight history though. Liverpool midfield schemer Jan Molby weighed 46 stone at the peak of his career in the late 80s and early 90s, before having to retire with a gout related injury.
Manchester, April 7th 2011
Wayne Rooney has issued a statement this afternoon to make the press aware that he will be appealing against his wife Colleen’s choice of dinner for this evening.
A representative for Rooney issued the following statement:
“Wayne has decided, upon consulting his agent and Alex Ferguson, that he is to appeal against his wife and her choice of dinner for this evening. Wayne is deeply unhappy at the choice that Colleen made upon her weekly visit to Asda yesterday. He had repeatedly stated what he would have liked for dinner tonight and this was ignored. Therefore he cannot sit idly by and allow Colleen to choose the contents of tonight’s meal.
Wayne has made his feelings known several times about vegetables. With the exception of corn on the cob from KFC he does not eat any vegetables, no matter how much Colleen may insist that they are good for him. For Colleen to choose a microwaveable medley of vegetables is an insult to Wayne, especially as this medley contains carrots, his absolute least favourite type of food.
This decision is made even worse with the choice of lasagne to accompany the vegetables. Wayne has repeatedly stated that he does not like lasagne as it is too foreign. Wayne has very specific dietary requirements and is left with no choice to appeal these decisions.”
It is thought that the appeal will take place in the kitchen of the Rooney residence later on today. Rooney is expected to calmly appeal at first, and then scream and roll around on the floor kicking his legs and beating his fists until his wife relents.
Rooney is suspected to want his “favourite tea” tonight of turkey drummers, super noodles and baked beans with a fab for dessert.
London, April 7th 2011
Two days after their disastrous 4-0 defeat to Real Madrid in the Champions League, Tottenham fans all over the capital are rubbing their eyes as if awaking from some unbelievable dream and immediately regretting several things that they may have said or promised in recent weeks.
Van driver John Taylor, 32, told us that he had embarrassed himself enormously during the course of Spurs run in the Champions League. “I actually told people, you know, people I actually like and respect, that we were now definitely one of the best teams in Europe” he said whilst clapping a hand to his face. “What was I thinking? We haven’t actually won a proper trophy in years.”
Taylor’s brother in law Gary Sutton, 28, echoed his feeling of utter stupidity. “I spent a fortune having a custom made flag stating that we were the best team in London, and sending picture messages of it to friends who are Arsenal and Chelsea fans. I feel like such a dick now. My dad told me that he hasn’t felt so ridiculous since putting a £5,000 bet on Spurs to beat Coventry 6-0 in the 1987 FA Cup Final.”
Taxi driver Nick Smith, 48, sat rocking backwards and forwards in his cab as we approached him, simply repeating the phrase “I told everyone I know that Gareth Bale was the best player in the world”.
Spurs fans are now expected to resume their usual pursuits: Watching Arsenal perform better than them whilst retaining some kind of mistaken belief that they have a god-given right to win trophies despite not winning the league since the 1960s.
Harry Redknapp is expected to be fired tomorrow, then be replaced by a succession of ill-thought out managers from different corners of the globe, many of who speak very little English and experiment with a controversial 2-3-5 formation.