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Lord Triesman Calls FIFA Delegates “Smelly Bum-Bum Heads”
London, 10th May 2011
Despite being dismissed from the committee charged with winning the 2018 world cup bid for England last May, Lord Triesman is still banging on about how unfair everything that transpired was for him.
Triesman resigned after accusing Spain and Russia of bribing referees during the 2010 world cup, and the FA have distanced themselves from him since then. However he held a press conference today to, as he put it, “clear the air” regarding some issues that he felt he needed to “bring to light”.
The peer – wearing an England shirt, a Union Jack as some kind of impromptu cape and shorts – started his statement with the words “now let me tell you what some of these fuckers are REALLY up to.”
He singled out FIFA vice president Jack Warner as “the worst of all those smelly bum-bum heads” and stated that Warner offered to vote for England’s bid on two conditions: That Triesman would buy him a full-size snooker table for his home in Trinidad, and that he would take upskirt photographs of his wife and make copies of them for Warner.
Paraguay’s FIFA member Nicolas Leoz was accused of “not even being from a proper country” and only ever wearing “beige shirts that smelled of wee”. Leoz apparently asked for seventeen bottles of “Dreft Dark” fabric detergent (that is not available in Paraguay) and a “sack full of Chomps and Curly Wurlys” in exchange for his vote.
Triesman stated that Brazilian representative Terra Teixeira was “the most demanding” with him asking for the transfer of Sheffield United forward Ched Evans to his beloved Gremio, a basket of muffins, two tickets to see “Wicked” in the West End and a remote control helicopter with “all the batteries I will ever need for it” in exchange for his nod towards the England campaign.
Finally, Thailand’s Worawi Makudi asked to be able to punch Triesman “full in the face, three times” and if he did not cry then the vote would be his.
Triesman signed off by opening a can of cherry fanta, belching and calling everyone from FIFA “big monkey liars”, “bear felching walrus-fuckers” and “sneering, antelope-raping shysters obsessed with money, power, gifts and mediocre welsh centre forwards”.
He was close to tears as he left the press conference and disappeared into the nearest Ladbrokes.