Football news, rumours and lies.
Ryan Giggs Denies Affair, Global Warming, Holocaust
Manchester, 24th May 2011
With Manchester United and Wales star Ryan Giggs being “outed” in Parliament as the footballer behind the mysterious superinjunction, the player has now turned to denying the blatantly obvious in order to try and distract attention away from his infidelities.
Speaking through his agent, Giggs issued a statement where he categorically denied ever having an affair with former Big Brother contestant and professional hussy Imogen Thomas.
“It has come to my attention that every single journalist in the English speaking world is under the impression that I have cheated on my beloved wife, despite being a incredibly committed family man who would never do such a thing. Also, it seems around 75,000 users of the Twitter website are mistakenly stating that I have cheated on my wife through a series of jokes, many of which make a parallel between the words “imagine” and “Imogen”.
It seemed that the player’s agent stifled a laugh at this point, before continuing.
“My I say that nobody can prove in any way that I have had any form of affair. Like all Manchester United players, I am committed to being a strict family man, never in any way playing off my millionaire playboy lifestyle to attract women that I could only dream of if I had a regular job. These rumours are completely unfounded. I have never even met Miss Thomas, and have only ever had sexual intercourse with my wife in order to create our beautiful children.”
“Furthermore, the internet is a filthy place that is filled with lies and inaccuracies. I have read several things on there that are completely untrue. Firstly I saw something called “Global Warming” which is a complete lie. If the world is getting warmer then why did it snow last Christmas? I saw that with my own eyes. I’m willing to bet that all of those Twitter users saw that as well.”
“Also, I read about something called “the holocaust” where millions of Jews were allegedly killed by the Nazis during World War Two. Having read texts by various authors including David Icke, I have determined that this is also a complete fabrication. I know of at least two Jewish people in Manchester, so the holocaust could never have happened. My theory is that all the Jews in Germany, Poland and so on all went on a big holiday together, probably in Bali.”
Reporters tried to contact Giggs following the statement as he left training. His response was to cover his ears and say “lalalalalalalalalalala if I can’t hear it it isn’t true.”