Inside The Sheepskin

Football news, rumours and lies.

We Speak to Only Woman in UK that Ryan Giggs Hasn’t Fucked

Muriel Whitbread, Yesterday

Carlisle, June 7th 2011

Inside the Sheepskin has managed to secure an interview with the only woman in the United Kingdom that disgraced Manchester United winger Ryan Giggs hasn’t had sex with at any point over the last two decades.

Spinster Muriel Whitbread, 76, has lived alone in a small cottage near Carlisle since the death of her sister 4 years ago.  The only company that she has nowadays is her dog Reggie and a few scrawny looking chickens.  When we asked her if she had ever had sex with the Red Devil’s lothario, she shook her head and laughed.  “Ryan Giggs?  No way.  I turned him down when he knocked at my door six years ago, and I’d turn him down now.  Not a fan of his chest hair.”

When pressed, Muriel revealed that Giggs did try and tempt her into bed on that rainy night six years back.  “He knocked on the door at about 9pm and it was pouring down.  He looked like a drowned rat.  Someone in the town must have told him that I like my licorice, because he bought me a big bag of loose Allsorts.  He had some kind of list, and said that he was going door to door all around the country trying to have sex with every woman in the country.”

We asked Muriel why she turned him down and she told us that “my only love was Gordon Chambers, the butcher who lived in town, but he got married to some floozy in 1966.  Since then I’ve just needed the company of Reggie and my chickens.  I’m not breaking my vow of celibacy just because some fancy-dan footballer shows up at my door with some cheap sweets reeking of Old Spice.”

We concluded the interview by asking Muriel – surrounded by old newspapers, tin cans and spent batteries – how the situation ended.  She smiled before giving us her touching, honest answer.

“I may have said no, but our Dolly was still alive and living with me then.  When I turned Giggs down he smashed straight into her, doggy-style, over the hearth.  Took ages to get her grubby fingerprints off of it.”

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