Football news, rumours and lies.
Monthly Archives: September 2011
Nottingham, September 21st 2011
Following a press conference today to discuss his side’s poor start to the season, Nottingham Forest manager Steve McLaren has demonstrated some kind of twisted mashed-up accent that nobody attending could understand.
Originally boasting a broad Yorkshire accent during his playing career, 50 year old McLaren has now tried to adopt so many different accents that he seems to be speaking in some kind of childish gibberish, half The Clangers and half Stoppit and Tidyup.
During his successful spell as Manchester United coach, McLaren tried to demonstrate an affinity to the Old Trafford faithful by putting on a slight Salford twang during any interviews he had in place of Sir Alex Ferguson. After taking the helm at Middlesbrough he added a smog-addled North-East accent, before trying to make his accent as England manager a mixture of all these things sprinkled with some cockney for “broad national appeal”.
His Dutch accent whilst at FC Twente is now the stuff of legend, but very few fans will have heard his German accent whilst at Wolfsburg – described by one pundit as “like a cast member of Allo Allo“. Now he seems to be struggling with the East Midlands accent, with the only words recognisable during his press conference being the thirteen times that he said “me duck”.
Whilst known for his often futuristic coaching methods – using psychologists and videos, for example – his accent may to be blame for the terrible start to the Championship season that Forest have experienced. It is thought that he tried to ask his players to play “free flow, attacking football” for their weekend defeat at home to Derby County, but that came out through his myriad of accents as “just sit back and let the sheep beat you with ten men”.
The Red Devils have celebrated winning their [INSERT NUMBER] Premier League title with a victory over [INSERT NAME].
United have been [DOMINANT / EFFERVESCENT / POWERFUL] all season, with players like [ROONEY / CHICARITO / MAME BIRAM DIOUF] weighing in with [NUMBER] of goals and [NANI / YOUNG / ANDERSON] catching the eye with [DYNAMIC / PACEY / ELEGANT] performances. Holding everything together was the [INFLUENCE / CAPTAINCY / SEXUAL EXPLOITS] of [38 / 39 / 40 / 41] year-old Ryan Giggs.
The final standings of the league table were never in doubt following [JANUARY / FEBRUARY / MARCH] when United easily beat their nearest rivals [MANCHESTER CITY / CHELSEA / LIVERPOOL]. Despite an early scare in [AUGUST / SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER] with a controversial defeat to [BOLTON / FULHAM / WEST BROMWICH ALBION] that Alex Ferguson blamed on [THE PITCH / THE NEW AWAY KIT / DAVID DE GEA], United survived an injury to [TOM CLEVERLEY’S ANKLE / NEMANJA VIDIC’S KNEE / MIKE PHELAN’S CHIN] to regroup and push forwards with even more intent.
Alex Ferguson has avoided speaking to [SKY / BBC / HIS WIFE] throughout the campaign after accusations of [HIS SON BEING A DODGY AGENT / HIS NOSE BEING THE REDDEST THING ON EARTH / MIKE PHELAN BEING AN ANDROID], but he celebrated wildly with [HIS TEAM / THE FANS / HIS HORSES] following confirmation of the title win.
The Premier League title goes along with the other [1 / 2 / 3 / 4] trophies that United have already won this season, and next week they compete in the Champions League final against [INTER / BARCELONA / ANZHI MAKHACHKALA] in [BERLIN / OSLO / TORSHAVN].
London, 20th September 2011
Joey Barton has become well-known for his tweeting recently, discussing issues from music to philosophy and gaining himself legions of fans for his often bizarre outbursts. He has now taken an even stranger turn, tweeting constantly today about a variety of money-making schemes that the player seems to have become involved in.
At 11.12am today, Barton tweeted “OMG, I made $$$ from home today, ask me how” before linking to a pyramid scheme website. He is thought to have sent this message as a direct tweet to all of the people he follows on the microblogging website, as well as seemingly targeting other Twitter users at random.
At 2.34pm, Barton tweeted the same link with the message “LOL, I’m a stay-home Mom and I made $400 in an hour today. LEGAL!!!!”, followed just 20 minutes later with a link to a prescription drugs website based in Slovakia with a tweet that read “Cialis, Viagra, Diazepam – GOOD PRICE FREE SHIP”.
Football experts have welcomed Barton’s diversification, praising him for having business sense beyond the confines of the game and applauding his constant use of the Twitter medium. One said “It’s good enough that Joey helps us write headlines on slow days, now we can trust his business advice too. I’ve already signed up for his pyramid scheme that seems to be based in Nigeria and ordered a gross of high strength painkillers.”
Barton is not the first footballer to enjoy business links to cyberspace – this was of course Dion Dublin, who has been emailing hundreds of thousands of people each week telling them he can “MAKE UR PENIS MASSIVE!!! CUM LIKE A RACEHORSE!!!”.