Football news, rumours and lies.
England Base in 2012 Will “Guarantee Victory”
London, December 5th 2011
With the European Championship just over six months away, the Football Association have been quick to quash any talk of the England team’s training base in Poland being unfit for use in the run up to the tournament.
Certain news outlets have reported today that the training base is actually a Polish Fourth Division stadium, with two old mobile classrooms being used for changing rooms and the shower merely being a hose draped over a fence – something that is clearly a touchy subject for the FA. A source told us that “clearly the facilities aren’t quite there just yet, but we have plans in place to pretty much guarantee that we will win the title”.
Those plans are thought to include:
* A secret tunnel with high-speed “bullet train” that will take the squad from their Polish base to their matches in the Ukraine
* A special “slattern on a stick” treadmill baiting system to encourage the players to run faster and train harder
* As many jaffa cakes as they can eat
* A 24-hour defence lawyer service for John Terry
* Massive amounts of cotton wool to wrap around Joe Hart in lieu of the fact there are no other decent English goalkeepers
* Spare metatarsels
* Montage music playing permanently during training – “You’re the Best Around” by Joe Esposito from The Karate Kid
In spite of all of these fantastic developments, England will be eliminated in the quarter finals after a penalty shoot-out defeat to Germany following a lacklustre scrape through the group stages.