Football news, rumours and lies.
Los Angeles, January 20th 2012
Major League Soccer side LA Galaxy are celebrating Victoria Beckham signing a new contract on behalf of her husband today, with the 36 year old midfielder agreeing to stay at the club for “as long as Victoria wants to stay in California”.
Victoria – known for being stick-thin and her minor hit single with Dane Bowers entitled “Out of Your Mind” – has enjoyed settling on the west coast of the USA, attending endless parties, shopping like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” on Rodeo Drive and tanning her already leathery skin yet further. David has on the other hand been subject to playing in a sub-standard league whilst trying to convince the world that the MLS was in any way valid and important like the stylish little automaton that his wife has programmed him to be.
There had been rumours that David might have been coming back to the English Premier League, based chiefly on the fact that Victoria was seen shopping in London during the first week of January whilst David watched the children. Only one top flight club was interested in him though, with Wigan Athletic keen on bringing the past-it midfielder in to play ten minutes per game and double their home attendances to 2,000.
Paris St Germain was also a rumoured destination, merely because Victoria spent the entire autumn fashion season there whilst David remained in Los Angeles watching their children. MLS fans can now rejoice though, with David Beckham playing to packed stadiums of confused fans alongside Robbie Keane, who has admitted that the Galaxy “had been his team since he was a kid”.
Victoria Beckham will keep David at LA Galaxy until he is 40, when he will be packed up and placed in a wardrobe behind her many, many dresses.
London, January 4th 2011
A group of leading scientists have spent the last year interviewing football fans, recording their comments in the stands and observing their television viewing habits to determine their expectations of the players that they watch every week. The result? Football fans have a totally unrealistic viewpoint of how good footballers actually are.
Head of the study was Professor Howard Davis who described the average football supporter as being “the most optimistic, surreal and goddamned unrealistic beasts around”.
When questioned in-depth, Davis highlighted the following key points:
* The average fan seems to think that passing the ball 60 yards to the feet of a team-mate is incredibly simple to do
* Most supporters believe that every single direct free kick should be scored, regardless of the distance from goal
* Despite players being mere flesh and bone, fans expect them to be supermen who can sprint at full speed for 90 minutes
* Every single footballer should be able to run the 100 metres with the ball under perfect control in less than ten seconds or be labelled as lazy
* Goalkeepers are particularly singled out by fans as being useless because they can’t stop every single shot that comes at them
* If a team loses then fans will often cite a lack of effort rather than the obvious shortcomings of their frankly mediocre players
Professor Davis cited several explanations for why fans could believe that their teams should consist of iron-willed supermen. These include the rise of video games, the existence of Lionel Messi and general stupidity.
Despite the average fan’s unrealistic viewpoint of the skills of the players in the team that they support, when questioned each fan did completely believe that they were good enough to pull on their club’s shirt, mainly because they believed that their lack of talent would be balanced out by their heart and passion and “playing for the badge”.
The study – entitle Football Fans Can Be Fucking Idiots Sometimes is published this week.
Leicester, December 26th 2011
Following a dour boxing day draw between Championship sides Leicester City and Ipswich Town, Loughborough-based Leicester supporter Lee Brown is taking credit for the penalty that drew the Foxes level in the second half.
At a hastily arranged press conference from the corner of a bar in a city centre public house, Brown told the gathered crowd of three friends who had not attended the game that the penalty – converted by Paul Gallagher after a handball from Ipswich forward Jason Scotland – was awarded purely because he shouted for it from his position in the King Power Stadium’s South Stand.
“The ref wasn’t having none of it” said Brown, between gulps of Stella Artois from a vaguely unclean glass. “He was walking away until I called him a cunt, then he looked up, nodded at me and gave the pen. All down to me.”
Brown’s associates nodded and agreed with the 27 year old van driver, who has a history of affecting refereeing decisions both for club and country. In particular, the David Beckham free kick against Greece in 2001 that took England to the 2002 World Cup was only awarded – according to Brown – because he shouted the word “twat” repeatedly at the television whenever the referee was in shot.
So, what’s next? Brown is looking forward to the FA Cup where he has “big plans” for affecting the referee in the East Midlands derby between City and Nottingham Forest, mainly by saying that he had sex with his mum in order to gain City a vital last-minute corner.
London, December 5th 2011
With the European Championship just over six months away, the Football Association have been quick to quash any talk of the England team’s training base in Poland being unfit for use in the run up to the tournament.
Certain news outlets have reported today that the training base is actually a Polish Fourth Division stadium, with two old mobile classrooms being used for changing rooms and the shower merely being a hose draped over a fence – something that is clearly a touchy subject for the FA. A source told us that “clearly the facilities aren’t quite there just yet, but we have plans in place to pretty much guarantee that we will win the title”.
Those plans are thought to include:
* A secret tunnel with high-speed “bullet train” that will take the squad from their Polish base to their matches in the Ukraine
* A special “slattern on a stick” treadmill baiting system to encourage the players to run faster and train harder
* As many jaffa cakes as they can eat
* A 24-hour defence lawyer service for John Terry
* Massive amounts of cotton wool to wrap around Joe Hart in lieu of the fact there are no other decent English goalkeepers
* Spare metatarsels
* Montage music playing permanently during training – “You’re the Best Around” by Joe Esposito from The Karate Kid
In spite of all of these fantastic developments, England will be eliminated in the quarter finals after a penalty shoot-out defeat to Germany following a lacklustre scrape through the group stages.
Geneva, November 17th 2011
Sources close to Sepp Blatter are reporting that the embattled FIFA president is struggling to find people to offend, after confidently stating that he had “finally checked all non-whites off the list”.
Blatter has created a media furore this week with his comments that racism on and off the pitch can be solved with a simple handshake, something that clearly everyone involved in World War Two and the American Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s were never informed of. Blatter has in the past tried purchasing a DeLorean so he can go back in time and try to sort out every single problem on the face of the earth with his obviously superior brain and logic, but to no avail thus far.
In the past, Blatter has also offended homosexuals and women, stating to the latter that he would watch their game more if they would show of more “sweet, sweet ass”, and interrupting the women’s World Cup Final by getting the referee to halt the game and haul the players into the centre circle so he could soak them all with a bucket of water in an impromptu wet t-shirt contest to “boost ratings”.
Blatter has confided to his aides that he needs to create a list of groups he can target next, beginning by telling our source that he “could probably go at the Jews a bit more” and that at the Paralympics next year that he could probably “say a load of shit about cripples”.
His initial focus is said to be on children though, taking a two-pronged approach of both making them sexier and telling them that are worthless little playthings next to his massive intellect, enormous forehead and ability to say things without needing to think about them first.
Manchester, November 17th 2011
Want-away Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez has missed training again today – but has been hauled in by club staff after they found him “hanging around with a bunch of callow youths” on Oldham High Street, smoking Lambert and Butler cigarettes that one of the girls he was with stole from her mum’s handbag.
A club source told Inside the Sheepskin that Tevez was not happy at being discovered, screaming in a half-Argentinian, half-Mancunian accent that it “wasn’t fair” and that coaches Brian Kidd and David Platt were “always embarrassing him”. He also made a point of shouting loudly that “he won’t need them any more soon”, before softening slightly and begging Platt to buy him a copy of Max Power magazine because it had free stickers with this month’s issue.
When Platt declined to buy the magazine, Tevez started crying. He sat in the back of Platt and Kidd’s vehicle on the way back to the city training ground, with Kidd not even allowing Tevez to watch Family Guy on the in-car DVD player.
It is thought that Tevez is already making steps to weaken his ties to Manchester City though, by starting to date an 18 year old single mother called Tasha, changing the sim card out of his phone for a new one that the club don’t know the number for, and earning extra money by manning the waltzers at a travelling fair.
London, 10th November 2011
West Ham United have decided to follow the lead of Newcastle United and rename their stadium to showcase the corporate opportunities at the club.
Newcastle have renamed their St James’ Park stadium as the “Sports Direct Arena” – the business of their owner Mike Ashley – in a move that has been thought to generate exactly no money and a rather large amount of irritation for the no-coat wearing Geordie masses.
One supported said “haway, they’ll be renaming the Blaydon Races the 10-poond pair of Lonsdale trainers races next.”
West Ham are likely to be just the first of many clubs to follow the lead of the so-called North East’s “Giants” in taking a similar step to rename an historic ground after the business of their owners. David Gold and David Sullivan have ploughed a lot of their cash into the club since they took over and the new name for the old Boleyn Ground is thought to be the “Ann Summers Budget Wankmag Arena”.
It is already rumoured that other clubs are getting ready to follow suit and take on the names of their money-donor owner’s firms:
Everton: The Willy Russell’s “Blood Brothers” Emporium
Blackburn Rovers: The Venky’s Yum Yum Yummy Yum Yum Chicken Stadium
Fulham: The Harrods THE QUEEN KILLED MY SON Arena
Whilst the rest of the country can see the inherent hilarity of the new Newcastle United stadium name, fans in the city actually seem to think that it’s a bit of a compliment, as every family in the North East spends over a quarter of their annual income in Sports Direct shops on Donnay t-shirts, Head golf clubs and five year old tracksuit pants.
Buenos Aries, November 3rd 2011
Argentinian football legend Diego Armando Maradona dazzled crowds throughout his glittering career. However, one question has never been answered: Not “why did you cheat against England in 1986?”, or “why did you ruin your career with drugs?”. It is the real, burning question that has stumped us all:
Just how does his weight go up and down so hypnotically?
The answer has just been revealed. In his latest memoirs, published in Argentina this week, Maradona confesses that during his “experimental” period at Napoli in the late 1980s he was bitten by a radioactive puffer fish that gave him special powers. He was sampling some sushi one night when he paid the restaurant owner to allow him to climb into one of the fishtanks in the establishment with three female companions. A puffer fish that was unknowingly contaminated with plutonium deposits bit the trickster on the ankle, and he fell gravely ill.
At the time it was merely thought that Maradona had overdosed on something whilst out partying, but he soon realised that he had a special talent: That he could blow his body up to twice its size to protect him from predators. He first used the gift in public in 1994 after failing a drugs test during the USA World Cup, and more recently he used it as a flotation device to get him to Cuba for a meeting with Fidel Castro.
Doctors have issued a warning though: Do not eat Maradona’s liver or spleen, as it will cause death within 30 minutes after you have spouted a load of misguided philosophy into the face of the nearest buxom woman.
Manchester, November 3rd 2011
When Edwin Van der Sar retired, Manchester United fans knew two things: Firstly, that they could be grateful that he spent the best years of his career keeping goal for them, winning countless trophies and deserving all the praise that came his way – just like Peter Schmeichel indirectly before him.
Secondly, they also knew that it would mean that they would have to suffer through at least six terrible goalkeepers before they find another talented one. An initial case in point is that of David De Gea – half wolf, half ape – who appears to be as frightened of catching a football as a 7 year old girl on a freezing cold day with no mittens for protection. And eczema.
A United fan’s spokesman said yesterday that “we loved Edwin and wanted him to play till he was 50. Not just because he was a decent keeper, but because we knew we’d have to suffer through more clowns like Barthez, Taibi, Foster, Kusczak and Van Der Gouw before we’d have a keeper that couldn’t be nutmegged by a semi-trained goat from 40 yards”.
It is thought that this jinx on goalkeepers started with Jim Leighton owing a gambling debt to some travelling gypsies in the late 1980s. He refused to pay up after a bareknuckle boxing match between legendary “Big Danny” O’Halloran and former Red Devils full-back Clayton Blackmore (held in a disused mine near Wrexham) went awry. The travellers then put a curse on Leighton and all subsequent goalkeepers at Old Trafford. An exorcism in 1991 meant that it was partially cleared and the occasional goalkeeper succeeded, but most will fail.
Sir Alex Ferguson is expected to tire of De Gea during the transfer window. His next goalkeeping signings before a decent one arrives will be error-strewn Blackpool keeper Paul Rachubka, Robert Green, Bruce Grobelaar and a child wearing giant John Cena WWE foam hands.
Zurich, November 3rd 2011
A legion of the most eminent scientists in the world have gathered at the CERN facility to discuss a variety of scientific discoveries this week. While most expected the faster than light neutrino issue that was highlighted by the Hadron Collider to draw all the attention, it has been an anthropological issue that has caught the imagination.
Dr Steven Rankine of Oxford University explains further: “We have been studying the alleged existence of so-called “Brazilian defenders” for years now, with journalists and fans alike convinced that such things exist. After watching tens of thousands of hours of football we can confirm one thing: Such a thing does not exist. They are as mythical as unicorns, the chupacabra and Francis Jeffers career.”
This news will come as a shock to many football fans who have been excited in the past to learn their side have purchased a Brazilian talent – only to then be told that they are allegedly defenders, something that we now know cannot in any way be true. Dr Rankine continued: “We first identified our hypothesis after watching Roque Junior make his debut for Leeds United and see an allegedly international centre-back be mugged constantly by Paul Dickov”.
Further evidence has mounted up: So-called centre backs such as Lucio and David Luiz who can bend in free kicks from 45 yards but have no basic tackling skills; Alleged full-backs who get dizzy if they ever venture back into their own halves; And Cafu, who as well as playing all of the Clone Troopers in the Star Wars films, stated on his fake Italian passport that his profession was “pacy winger”.
Brazilian football managers have reacted to the news by immediately altering their formations. Gremio, Sao Paulo and Corinthians have all displayed a new 0-5-5 formation that leads to as many goals conceded as when they went through the fallacy of insisting their sides had defenders. Gremio beat Corinthians 4-3 last night, with Gremio’s winning goal being a stunning free kick from their goalkeeper Victor.