Football news, rumours and lies.
Category Archives: David Beckham
Los Angeles, January 20th 2012
Major League Soccer side LA Galaxy are celebrating Victoria Beckham signing a new contract on behalf of her husband today, with the 36 year old midfielder agreeing to stay at the club for “as long as Victoria wants to stay in California”.
Victoria – known for being stick-thin and her minor hit single with Dane Bowers entitled “Out of Your Mind” – has enjoyed settling on the west coast of the USA, attending endless parties, shopping like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” on Rodeo Drive and tanning her already leathery skin yet further. David has on the other hand been subject to playing in a sub-standard league whilst trying to convince the world that the MLS was in any way valid and important like the stylish little automaton that his wife has programmed him to be.
There had been rumours that David might have been coming back to the English Premier League, based chiefly on the fact that Victoria was seen shopping in London during the first week of January whilst David watched the children. Only one top flight club was interested in him though, with Wigan Athletic keen on bringing the past-it midfielder in to play ten minutes per game and double their home attendances to 2,000.
Paris St Germain was also a rumoured destination, merely because Victoria spent the entire autumn fashion season there whilst David remained in Los Angeles watching their children. MLS fans can now rejoice though, with David Beckham playing to packed stadiums of confused fans alongside Robbie Keane, who has admitted that the Galaxy “had been his team since he was a kid”.
Victoria Beckham will keep David at LA Galaxy until he is 40, when he will be packed up and placed in a wardrobe behind her many, many dresses.
Los Angeles, February 24th 2011
Fashionista, walking haircut and occasional footballer David Beckham has put an end to the recent strife in North Africa and the Middle East by briefly referencing the hotspots on Twitter.
Beckham is thought to have been watching CNN when he decided to tweet “Sick of all the fighting. Why can’t we everyone get on? Leeders (sic) that people don’t want should leave.”
Within seconds of the world’s most famous sportsman making this declaration the wheels of democracy spun rapidly into action.
First to feel the effects of his important proclamation was Saudi Arabia, where King Abdullah added to the benefits package that he promised his nation yesterday with further religious tolerance, political freedom and the pledge to provide every household with a HD-ready television so that his people can “bask in the glory that is Beckham.”
Yemen president Ali Abdullah Saleh was next to follow suit, immediately stepping down and ordering troops to erect large murals and statues of Beckham and his wife Victoria, proclaiming them the “wisest and most dynamic couple.” He paid extra special tribute to their cheekbones.
President Bouteflika of Algeria made an impassioned speech to his nation via state television, stating that he “never realised what a dick he was” until Beckham pointed it out. He added that he would “ensure that power was immediately given back to the people of Algeria” and thanked Beckham for showing him that the solution was “so painfully obvious when pointed out by such a legendary taker of free kicks.”
Of course, the hardest nut to crack in the recent crisis has been Libya’s Colonel Gaddaffi, and after a painful silence of around 4 hours after Beckham first tweeted he stepped out onto the balcony of his palatial Tripoli residence. He briefly addressed the baying crowd below him, telling the pro-Gaddaffi militias to put down their arms. He then spoke to his detractors, insisting that “it took the power of goldenballs to make me see the light” before shooting himself in the temple, killing himself instantly.
Witnesses say that he screamed “forgive me David!” before pulling the trigger.
With one half of the Beckham Hollywood power-couple solving one of the world’s biggest issues, it is thought that Victoria will follow this up by addressing the annoyance of visible panty lines in the next issue of Vogue.