Football news, rumours and lies.
Category Archives: Manchester United
Manchester, November 3rd 2011
When Edwin Van der Sar retired, Manchester United fans knew two things: Firstly, that they could be grateful that he spent the best years of his career keeping goal for them, winning countless trophies and deserving all the praise that came his way – just like Peter Schmeichel indirectly before him.
Secondly, they also knew that it would mean that they would have to suffer through at least six terrible goalkeepers before they find another talented one. An initial case in point is that of David De Gea – half wolf, half ape – who appears to be as frightened of catching a football as a 7 year old girl on a freezing cold day with no mittens for protection. And eczema.
A United fan’s spokesman said yesterday that “we loved Edwin and wanted him to play till he was 50. Not just because he was a decent keeper, but because we knew we’d have to suffer through more clowns like Barthez, Taibi, Foster, Kusczak and Van Der Gouw before we’d have a keeper that couldn’t be nutmegged by a semi-trained goat from 40 yards”.
It is thought that this jinx on goalkeepers started with Jim Leighton owing a gambling debt to some travelling gypsies in the late 1980s. He refused to pay up after a bareknuckle boxing match between legendary “Big Danny” O’Halloran and former Red Devils full-back Clayton Blackmore (held in a disused mine near Wrexham) went awry. The travellers then put a curse on Leighton and all subsequent goalkeepers at Old Trafford. An exorcism in 1991 meant that it was partially cleared and the occasional goalkeeper succeeded, but most will fail.
Sir Alex Ferguson is expected to tire of De Gea during the transfer window. His next goalkeeping signings before a decent one arrives will be error-strewn Blackpool keeper Paul Rachubka, Robert Green, Bruce Grobelaar and a child wearing giant John Cena WWE foam hands.
The Red Devils have celebrated winning their [INSERT NUMBER] Premier League title with a victory over [INSERT NAME].
United have been [DOMINANT / EFFERVESCENT / POWERFUL] all season, with players like [ROONEY / CHICARITO / MAME BIRAM DIOUF] weighing in with [NUMBER] of goals and [NANI / YOUNG / ANDERSON] catching the eye with [DYNAMIC / PACEY / ELEGANT] performances. Holding everything together was the [INFLUENCE / CAPTAINCY / SEXUAL EXPLOITS] of [38 / 39 / 40 / 41] year-old Ryan Giggs.
The final standings of the league table were never in doubt following [JANUARY / FEBRUARY / MARCH] when United easily beat their nearest rivals [MANCHESTER CITY / CHELSEA / LIVERPOOL]. Despite an early scare in [AUGUST / SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER] with a controversial defeat to [BOLTON / FULHAM / WEST BROMWICH ALBION] that Alex Ferguson blamed on [THE PITCH / THE NEW AWAY KIT / DAVID DE GEA], United survived an injury to [TOM CLEVERLEY’S ANKLE / NEMANJA VIDIC’S KNEE / MIKE PHELAN’S CHIN] to regroup and push forwards with even more intent.
Alex Ferguson has avoided speaking to [SKY / BBC / HIS WIFE] throughout the campaign after accusations of [HIS SON BEING A DODGY AGENT / HIS NOSE BEING THE REDDEST THING ON EARTH / MIKE PHELAN BEING AN ANDROID], but he celebrated wildly with [HIS TEAM / THE FANS / HIS HORSES] following confirmation of the title win.
The Premier League title goes along with the other [1 / 2 / 3 / 4] trophies that United have already won this season, and next week they compete in the Champions League final against [INTER / BARCELONA / ANZHI MAKHACHKALA] in [BERLIN / OSLO / TORSHAVN].
London, May 15th 2011
As Manchester United claimed their nineteenth league title on Saturday, musician Paul Hardcastle has been trying to remind people of the meaning of his 1985 number one single “19”.
Speaking from his Chelsea home today, Hardcastle felt mixed feelings towards the sudden surge in usage of his anti-war anthem.
“I am more than happy to take the royalties for the extra playing of the song” he said. “But I’m a little alarmed at how people seem to be completely ignoring the message”.
He cited a four minute long season review video that has been circulating via email and YouTube as particularly ignoring the theme of the song – which features samples from Vietnam Requiem and narration from Peter Thomas.
“I can’t say I understand juxtaposing images of joy with audio descriptions of the horrors of war” said Hardcastle. “Although I did enjoy the irony of footage of Wayne Rooney being played as the line “Many vets complain of alienation, rage, or guilt” was read out.”
The song – which was released during the height of 1980s cold war paranoia – is thought to be yet another classic song that has been ruined forever by football. It follows on from the Lightning Seeds “Life of Riley”, New Order’s “Regret” and Liverpool FC’s “The Anfield Rap”.
London, April 17th 2011
Following the traffic chaos that affected London over the weekend, Manchester United fans had their misery compounded when some of them had to endure journeys of up to 30 minutes to get home from Wembley following their 1-0 reverse to rivals Manchester City.
With the M1 closed from junctions 1 to 4, extra pressure was put on transport systems in London and many residents of the capital decided to not leave the city. This meant much more congestion on the tube and extra irritation for United fans trying to get home in time for tea following their deserved defeat.
Some fans were incredulous with rage after being forced to wait for public transport for over 8 minutes at Wembley Park tube station. To fill the time it is thought the United fans invented stories of how their relations were actually from Manchester, telling such stories in fake northern accents so bad that they wouldn’t be out of place in a Tesco Mobile advert.