Football news, rumours and lies.
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Buenos Aries, November 3rd 2011
Argentinian football legend Diego Armando Maradona dazzled crowds throughout his glittering career. However, one question has never been answered: Not “why did you cheat against England in 1986?”, or “why did you ruin your career with drugs?”. It is the real, burning question that has stumped us all:
Just how does his weight go up and down so hypnotically?
The answer has just been revealed. In his latest memoirs, published in Argentina this week, Maradona confesses that during his “experimental” period at Napoli in the late 1980s he was bitten by a radioactive puffer fish that gave him special powers. He was sampling some sushi one night when he paid the restaurant owner to allow him to climb into one of the fishtanks in the establishment with three female companions. A puffer fish that was unknowingly contaminated with plutonium deposits bit the trickster on the ankle, and he fell gravely ill.
At the time it was merely thought that Maradona had overdosed on something whilst out partying, but he soon realised that he had a special talent: That he could blow his body up to twice its size to protect him from predators. He first used the gift in public in 1994 after failing a drugs test during the USA World Cup, and more recently he used it as a flotation device to get him to Cuba for a meeting with Fidel Castro.
Doctors have issued a warning though: Do not eat Maradona’s liver or spleen, as it will cause death within 30 minutes after you have spouted a load of misguided philosophy into the face of the nearest buxom woman.
Blackburn, October 24th 2011
As pressure mounts on him from supporters, Blackburn Rovers boss Steve Kean has started taking drastic measures to make the people of Blackburn like him.
“I’m a bit fed up of seeing all the “Kean Out” banners around Ewood Park” said the embattled manager yesterday. “So I’m going to try my best to make myself as popular as I can within Blackburn.”
So far he has learned to make meat and potato pies from scratch, sent hand-made greetings cards to every single Rovers season ticket holder, walked all of the dogs that are owned by the elderly and in-firmed within the town, kissed “more than three” babies and has learned to play the Hovis music on both clarinet and tuba.
“I’m not sure if it’s working yet” he added. “Earlier on I thought one man raised his flat cap at me, but it merely turned out he had an itchy scalp.”
Kean does remain upbeat about turning around opinion of himself though. “They’ll learn to love me eventually. After all, I’m not entirely sure what they’re expecting from me. This is Blackburn after all.”
It is thought that Blackburn have amazingly won the Premier League title once, despite only ever filling their stadium when a shipment of spoiled tripe and offal was auctioned off on the pitch.
London, October 24th 2011
Following controversy during Chelsea’s 1-0 defeat at QPR yesterday, John Terry has made great effort to utterly refute any suggestion of him using racist language towards Rangers defender Anton Ferdinand or anybody else – while cheerfully admitting that he is a complete and utter cunt of the highest order.
“I cannot think of anything worse than using racist language” said the Blues captain this morning at Chelsea’s training complex. He then added that “I am happy to report that I am still a total prick who will – away from any bigoted behaviour towards anyone ethnically different to myself – happily steal your Mrs, drive whilst drunk, abuse a referee and clothesline an old lady from her mobility scooter.”
Terry then left the press conference to attend a Kick Racism Out of Football special event where he posed for photographs with youngsters, before hitting on an attractive female PR representative – even though she insisted that she wasn’t interested.
He was then seen leaving the event after scraping his keys down the side of her car.
London, 6th October 2011
With England goalkeeper David Stockdale suffering an injury in training yesterday, it has now emerged that you are the third choice keeper for the Euro 2012 qualifier in Montenegro on Friday evening.
Joe Hart remains a lock-in for the number one shirt with Turkey-based Scott Carson his perpetual number two. With recent call-ups England boss Fabio Capello has turned to Stockdale, Frank Fielding, Chris Weale, Andy Lonergan, Kevin Poole and John Burridge, and it is now your turn to clumsily don your gloves.
Whilst the press have poured criticism on Capello’s choice to call you up to the squad – citing amongst other things a lack of experience, your diminutive stature and the fact that your goalkeeping gloves are woollen mittens – you are thought to be excited at the possibility of gaining your first cap for your country. A sell-out crowd will watch and wait to see if you manage to make it onto the pitch by some quirk of fate and demonstrate to amazingly awkward car-crash netminding.
When asked about his selection of you at a press conference this morning, Capello was quick to defend his choice – claiming that you are “definitely English, and definitely not Robert Green”.
Liverpool, April 8th 2011
Anfield boss Kenny Dalglish has outwardly been discussing his side’s chances of making it into fifth place in the league, but sources close to him say that he is already secretly thinking about the summer.
Our source said that “he knows that the Red’s season is over already. No chance of any trophies and they’re not going to finish fifth.” He added that “the only thing keeping Kenny and the coaching staff from breaking up from their holidays already is the bet they’ve got going on whether Andy Carroll scores or gets arrested first.”
Dalglish has been seen thumbing through holiday brochures, planning outings with his wife to garden centres and any other activities that, to quote our source, “don’t involve thinking about the car-wreck that is Liverpool FC”.
It is thought that Dalglish has not ruled out taking a mid season break next year, treating his wife, children and grandchildren to a skiing holiday in Switzerland whilst leaving the team in charge of “someone who those sanctimonious fans will hail as a saviour until they mess up and I come back, tanned and healthy.”
Brasilia, March 16th 2011
The Brazilian football association has been forced to admit this week that they are sadly running out of sensible names for new players.
“The time of catchy names for our players has passed” stated BFA vice president Roberto Ventura. “We are now reduced to scraping the bottom of the name barrel”.
A low point came last year when a 15 year old youth team player at Santos ended up being called “Ronaldinhoinhoinhoinhoino” – literally “the fifth little lad called Ronaldo that we rate quite highly”. The same youth team side has several Anglicised names too – a Greg, Darren, Steve, Nigel and Tiddles.
Player nicknames are often given based on the skills that the players possesses. Nigel, for example, is thought to be similar in playing style to former Chelsea and Liverpool midfielder Nigel Spackman, whilst Tiddles is a cat-like goalkeeper who happens to take free kicks.
One possible solution is taking the players long Portuguese names and turning their initials into acronyms – this is thought to be fraught with problems though, as Ventura explained: “Gremio have a young player called Carlos Umberto Negredo Thiago and he was fine using the acronym in Brazil but when he played in a tournament in the USA for some reason he got laughed off the park every game.”
Flamengo have started naming their players with more exotic names recently. In line with their former full back now plying his trade with SC Braga in Portugal called George Lucas they have players called Indiana, Han, Luke and Darth. When asked about choosing these names their coach stated that he chose the first three because of his fandom of the blockbuster films. For the last he stated that was a factor but mainly “he’s called Darth because he’s black and has asthma.”