Football news, rumours and lies.
Leicester, October 27th 2011
Following the shock dismissal of Sven Goran Eriksson from the Leicester City managerial job earlier this week, it has emerged that all of the names in the frame to take the hotseat are frankly utterly unrealistic and ludicrous from one end of the scale to another.
A club spokesman said that “honestly, we’re just going after a decent young manager. Someone like Chris Powell or Lee Clark, maybe someone experienced like Billy Davies. That’s who we’re interviewing and approaching. Not that you’d think that based on what we’ve been reading about in the papers.”
On one end of the spectrum you have – following a Sky Sports interview with Mark McGhee regarding the vacancy where he declared an interest – amazingly unsuitable contenders. Aside from McGhee – hated in Leicester for leaving them for Wolves, then most recently sacked by Aberdeen for being the worst manager in Scotland and having a head like a potato – other names linked to the job have been Alan Shearer and his island of hair (one win as a manager in his entire career), Christian Gross, Steve McLaren and his umbrella, Marco Boogers and Ronny Rosenthal – the Israeli carthorse being given odds of 3-1 at present.
On the other side of the coin are managers that are clearly not going to take the job if it is offered. From former boss Martin O’Neill to Luis Felipe Scolari to Sir Alex Ferguson to Jose Mourinho, bookmakers and press alike are clearly taking the piss. The full list of odds to take the job are as follows:
11/8 On (favourite) – Martin O’Neill (despite nailing a sign up outside his house saying he wasn’t interested)
EVENS – Alan Shearer
2-1 – Luis Felipe Scolari
3-1 – Ronny Rosenthal
3-1 – Avram Grant
3-1 – Sir Alf Ramsey
4-1 – Pep Guardiola
5-1 – Brian Clough
5-1 – Paul Peschisolido
6-1 – Steve McLaren’s Umbrella
7-1 – A rabbit called Graham
8-1 – Mark McGhee
9-1 – Craig Levein
10-1 – Neil Warnock’s ego
11-1 – A ham
12-1 – Sol Bamba
15-1 – Sir Clive Woodward
20-1 – Victoria Beckham
20-1 – Brooklyn Beckham
20-1 – Romeo Beckham
20-1 – Cruz Beckham
20-1 – Harper Seven Beckham
25-1 – A fruit pastille
30-1 – Our mate Tony who got Blyth Spartans into the Champions League on Football Manager
40-1 – Sven Goran Erikkson
50-1 – Billy Davies
60-1 – Lee Clark
70-1 – Chrissy Powell
80-1 – WWE Legend Mick Foley
90-1 – Pele
100-1 – Jeremy Kyle
150-1 – Kevin Keegan
200-1 – Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle
500-1 – Terry Christian
1000-1 – Denny Landzaat
1,000,000,000,000,000,000-1 – Anyone who can get Leicester promoted this year
Blackburn, October 24th 2011
As pressure mounts on him from supporters, Blackburn Rovers boss Steve Kean has started taking drastic measures to make the people of Blackburn like him.
“I’m a bit fed up of seeing all the “Kean Out” banners around Ewood Park” said the embattled manager yesterday. “So I’m going to try my best to make myself as popular as I can within Blackburn.”
So far he has learned to make meat and potato pies from scratch, sent hand-made greetings cards to every single Rovers season ticket holder, walked all of the dogs that are owned by the elderly and in-firmed within the town, kissed “more than three” babies and has learned to play the Hovis music on both clarinet and tuba.
“I’m not sure if it’s working yet” he added. “Earlier on I thought one man raised his flat cap at me, but it merely turned out he had an itchy scalp.”
Kean does remain upbeat about turning around opinion of himself though. “They’ll learn to love me eventually. After all, I’m not entirely sure what they’re expecting from me. This is Blackburn after all.”
It is thought that Blackburn have amazingly won the Premier League title once, despite only ever filling their stadium when a shipment of spoiled tripe and offal was auctioned off on the pitch.
Manchester, October 24th 2011
Following the astonishing result in yesterdays Manchester derby at Old Trafford, fans of football across England have had to choose the lesser of two evils to decide how they really feel about City’s amazing 6-1 victory.
We polled a cross section of fans this morning and we got the following results:
1: Fans jealous of Manchester City’s awesome spending power: 100%
2: Fans who generally dislike Manchester United: 100%
3: Fans who think that Manchester City’s unbelievable riches is killing the game: 100%
4: Fans who didn’t giggle uncontrollably when hearing the result and scoreline yesterday: 0%
Here are a selection of quotes:
Stephen Gibbons, 37: “As a fan you can’t be proud of how City have spent and spent and spent in order to find some glory. That said, watching Sir Alex seethe from the touchline was marvellous.”
Gary Chambers, 41: “I know they’ve overspent but I wouldn’t care if it was 11 paedophiles out there if it meant a spanking for United.”
Alan Walker, 26: “Yesterday was the happiest day of my life, and I don’t even like football. Just knowing that Rooney and his chums had to feel miserable for a few minutes before climbing into the SUVs and heading home to their mansions was sweet. So sweet.”
United fans have been quick to criticise City for their spending, pointing to United’s many honest bargain signings like Wayne Rooney, Dimitar Berbatov and Phil Jones and their youth team products that were hand-stolen from other academies, as well as their ramshackle little stadium.
City have been celebrating the win today by buying the nation of Liechtenstein.
London, October 24th 2011
Following controversy during Chelsea’s 1-0 defeat at QPR yesterday, John Terry has made great effort to utterly refute any suggestion of him using racist language towards Rangers defender Anton Ferdinand or anybody else – while cheerfully admitting that he is a complete and utter cunt of the highest order.
“I cannot think of anything worse than using racist language” said the Blues captain this morning at Chelsea’s training complex. He then added that “I am happy to report that I am still a total prick who will – away from any bigoted behaviour towards anyone ethnically different to myself – happily steal your Mrs, drive whilst drunk, abuse a referee and clothesline an old lady from her mobility scooter.”
Terry then left the press conference to attend a Kick Racism Out of Football special event where he posed for photographs with youngsters, before hitting on an attractive female PR representative – even though she insisted that she wasn’t interested.
He was then seen leaving the event after scraping his keys down the side of her car.
Bolton, 18th October 2011
Channel 5 are all set to launch their latest assault on TV ratings with a prime-time vehicle for Bolton centre forward Kevin Davies.
With footballers crossing over into mainstream television recently – with Robbie Savage on Strictly Come Dancing being a prime example – the network is desperate to tap into this area of interest and has filmed a six part series showcasing the barrel-chested frontman’s considerable physique and sharpened elbows as he fights different animals across the globe.
Series producer Martin Smith said at the launch yesterday that “Kevin is the ideal footballer to take part in this series. After watching him rough up defenders for years it seemed like the obvious next step to have him do battle, mano-a-mano, with various beasts in challenging environments.”
The first hour long episode shows Davies and his crew travelling to the forests of Norway where they meet locals, partake in regional customs and then track a family of Wolverines. The final 15 minutes of the show is uncut, brutal footage of Davies pinning the father of the family to the ground and smashing its skull in with repeated elbows to the face.
While the press were allowed a sneak preview of the first episode, we are promised “big surprises” for the rest of the series. It is thought that Davies does battle with rhinoceros, mountain goats, komodo dragons, bears and even Nepalese Sherpas when a hunt to find the Yeti goes awry.
Davies was asked for his comments at the launch, to which he answered by destroying the table in front of him with his bare fists and screaming “KEVIN DAVIES SMASH!”.
Manchester, October 12th 2011
Carlos Tevez has returned from his two week exile in his native Argentina bearing gifts for all of the Manchester City supporters that he feels he has let down.
Dragging a large suitcase into Eastlands today with a phalanx of assistants bringing in further carrier bags behind him, Tevez has repeatedly stated that he is “truly sorry for the terrible misunderstanding” regarding him seeming to refuse to enter the field of play during City’s defeat in the Champions League to Bayern Munich. He added that “it is definitely a misunderstanding. I didn’t hear my name being mentioned, and I presumed I was being asked if I would like a cup of bovril. That’s why you can see me shaking my head. It’s all quite simple really.”
Tevez has purchased a large selection of gifts for City supporters to choose from. He has stated that he expects the 400 cigarettes that he brought back as duty-free purchases to go first, with him willing to split the purchase into two separate cartons of 200 cigarettes. It is thought that these are “Benson and Hedges” brand cigarettes.
Further down the pecking order are several hundred Corinthians replica shirts which Tevez claims to “just having had lying around”. They have “Tevez 10” printed on the back and are interestlingly from this season.
Tevez is also offering 2 weeks of advice from Kia Joorabchian to the first 25 fans that request that as their gift, stating that his Iranian handler can advise them in all kinds of matters “relating to trying to get out of working for a living”.
Rounding out the choice of gifts are 1,000 sombreros, 5,000 hand-made straw donkeys and 40,000 tins of corned beef.
Cardiff, October 11th 2011
Whilst the rest of the UK watched England qualify for Euro 2012 on Friday night, it has just emerged that little tiny Wales also managed to win a game that same evening. Against Switzerland, who are much bigger boys than them!
Wales boss Gary Speed treated his boys to a slap-up meal at Pizza Hut the following lunchtime, with the team’s proud mums also along to smile at their children, pat them on the back and wipe tomato sauce from their mouths with spittle-laced tissues.
Fans across the UK have reacted with glee as little Wales may even finish as high up as third in their group, which is a very impressive feat for such a tiny little team full of very clever little boys. The team have not been able to walk through the streets of Cardiff without having their hair ruffled by old ladies, or firm handshakes from proud men.
“They’re such a good bunch of kids” said Speed at a press conference yesterday. “Look at them. We’re so proud, bless them. Such a good effort from such a lovely group of little lads. Bless their cotton socks. Bless them all.”
Wales final group game is away at Bulgaria and it will be even more astonishing if little Wales can get a result there – especially as it is likely to be really cold and the Bulgarian boys are all big bullies with beards and tattoos who don’t even live with their mums anymore.
London, 6th October 2011
With England goalkeeper David Stockdale suffering an injury in training yesterday, it has now emerged that you are the third choice keeper for the Euro 2012 qualifier in Montenegro on Friday evening.
Joe Hart remains a lock-in for the number one shirt with Turkey-based Scott Carson his perpetual number two. With recent call-ups England boss Fabio Capello has turned to Stockdale, Frank Fielding, Chris Weale, Andy Lonergan, Kevin Poole and John Burridge, and it is now your turn to clumsily don your gloves.
Whilst the press have poured criticism on Capello’s choice to call you up to the squad – citing amongst other things a lack of experience, your diminutive stature and the fact that your goalkeeping gloves are woollen mittens – you are thought to be excited at the possibility of gaining your first cap for your country. A sell-out crowd will watch and wait to see if you manage to make it onto the pitch by some quirk of fate and demonstrate to amazingly awkward car-crash netminding.
When asked about his selection of you at a press conference this morning, Capello was quick to defend his choice – claiming that you are “definitely English, and definitely not Robert Green”.
Liverpool, 4th October 2011
Following the good news that young Everton midfielder Jack Rodwell has had his harsh red card from the weekend’s clash against Liverpool rescinded, it now seems that the youngster has been imprisoned for an undetermined amount of time following an alleged assault.
It is thought that Rodwell shook the hand of Liverpool attacker Luis Suarez in a Liverpool night club on Saturday evening, and this heinous attack may have snapped the Uruguayan trickster’s wrist in several places.
Suarez was carried out of the venue on a stretcher, before being tended to in the street. A few minutes later he gingerly got to his feet and carried on drinking with no obvious ill effects. Rodwell was escorted out of the venue despite his protests, and then placed in a police van where he was beaten down with truncheons and sprayed with mace “for his own safekeeping”.
Rodwell was then held overnight in a cell with no food, water or heat before being transferred to Strangeways where he will be held until the end of his sentence. His case was heard in his absence today, with Suaraz and Kenny Dalglish giving their evidence in front of a judge that was wearing a 1980’s classic “Candy” Liverpool replica shirt.
Suarez wept in court, clutching his wrist.
Rodwell will be available again for Everton’s home game with Fulham in 2014.
Nottingham, September 21st 2011
Following a press conference today to discuss his side’s poor start to the season, Nottingham Forest manager Steve McLaren has demonstrated some kind of twisted mashed-up accent that nobody attending could understand.
Originally boasting a broad Yorkshire accent during his playing career, 50 year old McLaren has now tried to adopt so many different accents that he seems to be speaking in some kind of childish gibberish, half The Clangers and half Stoppit and Tidyup.
During his successful spell as Manchester United coach, McLaren tried to demonstrate an affinity to the Old Trafford faithful by putting on a slight Salford twang during any interviews he had in place of Sir Alex Ferguson. After taking the helm at Middlesbrough he added a smog-addled North-East accent, before trying to make his accent as England manager a mixture of all these things sprinkled with some cockney for “broad national appeal”.
His Dutch accent whilst at FC Twente is now the stuff of legend, but very few fans will have heard his German accent whilst at Wolfsburg – described by one pundit as “like a cast member of Allo Allo“. Now he seems to be struggling with the East Midlands accent, with the only words recognisable during his press conference being the thirteen times that he said “me duck”.
Whilst known for his often futuristic coaching methods – using psychologists and videos, for example – his accent may to be blame for the terrible start to the Championship season that Forest have experienced. It is thought that he tried to ask his players to play “free flow, attacking football” for their weekend defeat at home to Derby County, but that came out through his myriad of accents as “just sit back and let the sheep beat you with ten men”.