Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Alan Shearer
London, April 8th 2011
At a special press conference called today to announce his new job as a pundit for Sky TV, Gary Neville insisted that he would be showing no bias, but would “redress the balance” of pundits on BBC’s Match of the Day by having his own campaign of “anti scouse warfare”.
Citing the opinions of ex Koppites Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrensen as the kinds that he would like to avoid, he made a point of saying that “I will not be biased towards Manchester United in any way. I will merely be biased against every other team in the world, paying special attention to those filthy scouse bastards from down the M62, whose name I cannot even bring myself to say.”
Pausing between questions to read a copy of The Sun newspaper and to adjust his specially designed “Fuck You Scouse Cunts’ t-shirt, he added that “many people will presume that I will pay special attention to my former – and only – club, the mighty Manchester United. Please do not think this. I will give a balanced and accurate view of all the smaller and more insignificant teams as well as the greatest team on the planet.”
He smiled before adding “except those fucking dirty scousers, subhuman little guttersnipes that they are.”
When asked if he would court controversy like sacked pundits Richard Keys and Andy Gray, he stated that “I have no opinion on women to be honest. I only have an opinion on Manchester United, their football, their legacy and the best way to thump a ball into row z whilst getting paid £70,000 per week to do so.”
Sky have unveiled Neville as their “ultimate weapon”, stating that he is exactly as “biased as Hansen, creepy as Lawrensen and bland as Shearer, but with the ability to grow a mustache that makes him look like the remedial kid in every school that had a motorbike at 15 but couldn’t read.”