Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Alex Ferguson
Manchester, April 7th 2011
Wayne Rooney has issued a statement this afternoon to make the press aware that he will be appealing against his wife Colleen’s choice of dinner for this evening.
A representative for Rooney issued the following statement:
“Wayne has decided, upon consulting his agent and Alex Ferguson, that he is to appeal against his wife and her choice of dinner for this evening. Wayne is deeply unhappy at the choice that Colleen made upon her weekly visit to Asda yesterday. He had repeatedly stated what he would have liked for dinner tonight and this was ignored. Therefore he cannot sit idly by and allow Colleen to choose the contents of tonight’s meal.
Wayne has made his feelings known several times about vegetables. With the exception of corn on the cob from KFC he does not eat any vegetables, no matter how much Colleen may insist that they are good for him. For Colleen to choose a microwaveable medley of vegetables is an insult to Wayne, especially as this medley contains carrots, his absolute least favourite type of food.
This decision is made even worse with the choice of lasagne to accompany the vegetables. Wayne has repeatedly stated that he does not like lasagne as it is too foreign. Wayne has very specific dietary requirements and is left with no choice to appeal these decisions.”
It is thought that the appeal will take place in the kitchen of the Rooney residence later on today. Rooney is expected to calmly appeal at first, and then scream and roll around on the floor kicking his legs and beating his fists until his wife relents.
Rooney is suspected to want his “favourite tea” tonight of turkey drummers, super noodles and baked beans with a fab for dessert.
Manchester, February 27th 2011
Following controversy regarding the obvious elbow on Wigan’s James McCarthy during Manchester United’s 4-0 victory at the DW Stadium on Saturday, it has emerged that Wayne Rooney has escaped punishment for several other violent outbursts.
Referee Mark Clattenberg has been accused of turning a blind eye to the incident at the weekend, whilst United assistant boss Mark Phelan has insisted the referee saw the incident. “Of course he saw it” stated the mouthpiece of sir Alex Ferguson. “He even told Wayne it was a cracking shot and laughed at McCarthy on the ground.” When asked if this was wrong, Phelan replied “of course not. He’s Wayne fucking Rooney.”
Following on from this, sources close to the club have confirmed the other rumoured incidents involving the England striker:
He once kicked a kitten over a fence just to impress Colleen;
He set fire to a disused factory in Manchester and filmed it to post on YouTube;
He slapped a 5 year old autograph hunter in the face screaming “there’s your fucking signature”;
Most tellingly of all, last close season he travelled to Nevada after watching the Johnny Cash biopic Walk The Line. Wanting to actually echo the sentiments of the song, he found a homeless man and as friends and family gathered around he tied him up and shot him point blank in the face. Police were aware of this but apparently Rooney had special dispensation to do this.
The Nevada chief of police stated yesterday that he had letters signed by Prime Minister David Cameron and the Football Association saying that Rooney should be allowed freedom to do whatever he chose, a request to which the chief was told to adhere to. He did question it though, and was apparently told “he can do whatever he pleases. He is, after all, Wayne Fucking Rooney.”