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Ancelotti Admits: Ashley Cole “A Twat”


London, February 27th 2011

Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti has admitted after thinking about the subject “long and hard” that Ashley Cole is “a bit of a twat”.

Cole has hit the headlines again in recent days after it emerged that he “accidentally” shot a 21 year old work experience student with an air rifle.  It has been this final incident that has caused Ancelotti to make his unprecedented statement.

In front of a packed press conference Ancelotti stated that “previously I thought that Ashley was merely misunderstood.  I have defended him in the past.  However I have now reviewed all of the evidence and it seems that he is, how you say, a prize bell-end.”

Ancelotti mentioned several high profile incidents that Cole had been involved in during the course of the press conference.

“When Ashley was found to be texting pictures of himself half-naked to a girl he met, I initially thought it was merely youthful exhuberence.  Then I remembered that this man was married to one of the most beautiful women in the world and it dawned on me:  He is an utter fucking prick.”

Ancelotti punctured much of his statement with the laughter of a man who has realised something mind-bendingly obvious.

He giggled as he said “I mean, come on. This is a man who drove at 104mph in a 50mph residential zone and tried to weasel out of it.  He cheated on his wife 4 times. He swore at a policeman. Best of all, at the age of 25 he released an autobiography that nobody read and I doubt that he wrote with his own hands.  He’s such a moron that when we discuss tactics in training we just let him go and do some colouring in.”

Ancelotti ended the conference with a straight face, apologising for taking so long to realise that his left-back is “indeed one of the most irritating, selfish, arrogant, stupid and ham-fisted sacks of bubbling wank walking the face of the Earth”.