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Channel 5 to Launch New Series: Kevin Davies Punching Animals

Practising the kidney punch

Bolton, 18th October 2011

Channel 5 are all set to launch their latest assault on TV ratings with a prime-time vehicle for Bolton centre forward Kevin Davies.

With footballers crossing over into mainstream television recently – with Robbie Savage on Strictly Come Dancing being a prime example – the network is desperate to tap into this area of interest and has filmed a six part series showcasing the barrel-chested frontman’s considerable physique and sharpened elbows as he fights different animals across the globe.

Series producer Martin Smith said at the launch yesterday that “Kevin is the ideal footballer to take part in this series.  After watching him rough up defenders for years it seemed  like the obvious next step to have him do battle, mano-a-mano, with various beasts in challenging environments.”

The first hour long episode shows Davies and his crew travelling to the forests of Norway where they meet locals, partake in regional customs and then track a family of Wolverines.  The final 15 minutes of the show is uncut, brutal footage of Davies pinning the father of the family to the ground and smashing its skull in with repeated elbows to the face.

While the press were allowed a sneak preview of the first episode, we are promised “big surprises” for the rest of the series.  It is thought that Davies does battle with rhinoceros, mountain goats, komodo dragons, bears and even Nepalese Sherpas when a hunt to find the Yeti goes awry.

Davies was asked for his comments at the launch, to which he answered by destroying the table in front of him with his bare fists and screaming “KEVIN DAVIES SMASH!”.

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[TEMPLATE] United Win League Title

”]Manchester, [INSERT DATE]

The Red Devils have celebrated winning their [INSERT NUMBER] Premier League title with a victory over [INSERT NAME].

United have been [DOMINANT / EFFERVESCENT / POWERFUL] all season, with players like [ROONEY / CHICARITO / MAME BIRAM DIOUF] weighing in with [NUMBER] of goals and [NANI / YOUNG / ANDERSON] catching the eye with [DYNAMIC / PACEY / ELEGANT] performances.  Holding everything together was the [INFLUENCE / CAPTAINCY / SEXUAL EXPLOITS] of [38 / 39 / 40 / 41] year-old Ryan Giggs.

The final standings of the league table were never in doubt following [JANUARY / FEBRUARY / MARCH] when United easily beat their nearest rivals [MANCHESTER CITY / CHELSEA / LIVERPOOL]. Despite an early scare in [AUGUST / SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER] with a controversial defeat to [BOLTON / FULHAM / WEST BROMWICH ALBION] that Alex Ferguson blamed on [THE PITCH / THE NEW AWAY KIT / DAVID DE GEA], United survived an injury to [TOM CLEVERLEY’S ANKLE / NEMANJA VIDIC’S KNEE / MIKE PHELAN’S CHIN] to regroup and push forwards with even more intent.

Alex Ferguson has avoided speaking to [SKY / BBC / HIS WIFE] throughout the campaign after accusations of [HIS SON BEING A DODGY AGENT / HIS NOSE BEING THE REDDEST THING ON EARTH / MIKE PHELAN BEING AN ANDROID], but he celebrated wildly with [HIS TEAM / THE FANS / HIS HORSES] following confirmation of the title win.

The Premier League title goes along with the other [1 / 2 / 3 / 4] trophies that United have already won this season, and next week they compete in the Champions League final against [INTER / BARCELONA / ANZHI MAKHACHKALA] in [BERLIN / OSLO / TORSHAVN].