Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Brazil
Zurich, November 3rd 2011
A legion of the most eminent scientists in the world have gathered at the CERN facility to discuss a variety of scientific discoveries this week. While most expected the faster than light neutrino issue that was highlighted by the Hadron Collider to draw all the attention, it has been an anthropological issue that has caught the imagination.
Dr Steven Rankine of Oxford University explains further: “We have been studying the alleged existence of so-called “Brazilian defenders” for years now, with journalists and fans alike convinced that such things exist. After watching tens of thousands of hours of football we can confirm one thing: Such a thing does not exist. They are as mythical as unicorns, the chupacabra and Francis Jeffers career.”
This news will come as a shock to many football fans who have been excited in the past to learn their side have purchased a Brazilian talent – only to then be told that they are allegedly defenders, something that we now know cannot in any way be true. Dr Rankine continued: “We first identified our hypothesis after watching Roque Junior make his debut for Leeds United and see an allegedly international centre-back be mugged constantly by Paul Dickov”.
Further evidence has mounted up: So-called centre backs such as Lucio and David Luiz who can bend in free kicks from 45 yards but have no basic tackling skills; Alleged full-backs who get dizzy if they ever venture back into their own halves; And Cafu, who as well as playing all of the Clone Troopers in the Star Wars films, stated on his fake Italian passport that his profession was “pacy winger”.
Brazilian football managers have reacted to the news by immediately altering their formations. Gremio, Sao Paulo and Corinthians have all displayed a new 0-5-5 formation that leads to as many goals conceded as when they went through the fallacy of insisting their sides had defenders. Gremio beat Corinthians 4-3 last night, with Gremio’s winning goal being a stunning free kick from their goalkeeper Victor.
London, March 28th 2011
Chelsea have followed up their pre-contract signing of 17 year old Brazilian wonderkid Lucas Piazon by snapping up the unborn child of Rio couple Jorge and Rena Teixeres.
The couple have already got three sons – 8 year old twins that have already been signed to a long term deal by Santos, and a 4 year old that is reportedly interesting Real Madrid and Barcelona already despite not even playing a game for his kindergarten team.
Carlo Ancelotti stated this afternoon that the signing of the youngster – already dubbed “Foetusinho” by the press – is a key part of building for the future of the London club. “We are confident that our new signing will be a big part of the team in around 18 years time” said the Italian. “I expect by then I will be in my fourth spell as Chelsea manager”.
He then paused for laughter. None followed.
Foetusinho is expected to be great with both feet, have blistering pace and be incredibly skilful, whilst having a slight attitude problem that means Chelsea supporters are always waiting for him to hand in a transfer quest. When quizzed about this Ancelotti added that was “part of the excitement of having a Brazilian in the team”.
Rena Teixeres is currently under the supervision and care of the Chelsea medical staff who are ensuring that she does not eat any peanuts, raw eggs or fish during the course of the pregnancy. Not knowing the full details of how the child will grow up is part of the charm for Ancelotti: “The youngster could be a tall centre back like Lucio, or a strong and stocky centre forward like Adriano. We just don’t know at this stage. It is very exciting indeed.”
After pausing for thought Ancelotti added: “Unless it’s a girl.”
Brasilia, March 16th 2011
The Brazilian football association has been forced to admit this week that they are sadly running out of sensible names for new players.
“The time of catchy names for our players has passed” stated BFA vice president Roberto Ventura. “We are now reduced to scraping the bottom of the name barrel”.
A low point came last year when a 15 year old youth team player at Santos ended up being called “Ronaldinhoinhoinhoinhoino” – literally “the fifth little lad called Ronaldo that we rate quite highly”. The same youth team side has several Anglicised names too – a Greg, Darren, Steve, Nigel and Tiddles.
Player nicknames are often given based on the skills that the players possesses. Nigel, for example, is thought to be similar in playing style to former Chelsea and Liverpool midfielder Nigel Spackman, whilst Tiddles is a cat-like goalkeeper who happens to take free kicks.
One possible solution is taking the players long Portuguese names and turning their initials into acronyms – this is thought to be fraught with problems though, as Ventura explained: “Gremio have a young player called Carlos Umberto Negredo Thiago and he was fine using the acronym in Brazil but when he played in a tournament in the USA for some reason he got laughed off the park every game.”
Flamengo have started naming their players with more exotic names recently. In line with their former full back now plying his trade with SC Braga in Portugal called George Lucas they have players called Indiana, Han, Luke and Darth. When asked about choosing these names their coach stated that he chose the first three because of his fandom of the blockbuster films. For the last he stated that was a factor but mainly “he’s called Darth because he’s black and has asthma.”