Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Chelsea
London, October 24th 2011
Following controversy during Chelsea’s 1-0 defeat at QPR yesterday, John Terry has made great effort to utterly refute any suggestion of him using racist language towards Rangers defender Anton Ferdinand or anybody else – while cheerfully admitting that he is a complete and utter cunt of the highest order.
“I cannot think of anything worse than using racist language” said the Blues captain this morning at Chelsea’s training complex. He then added that “I am happy to report that I am still a total prick who will – away from any bigoted behaviour towards anyone ethnically different to myself – happily steal your Mrs, drive whilst drunk, abuse a referee and clothesline an old lady from her mobility scooter.”
Terry then left the press conference to attend a Kick Racism Out of Football special event where he posed for photographs with youngsters, before hitting on an attractive female PR representative – even though she insisted that she wasn’t interested.
He was then seen leaving the event after scraping his keys down the side of her car.
The Red Devils have celebrated winning their [INSERT NUMBER] Premier League title with a victory over [INSERT NAME].
United have been [DOMINANT / EFFERVESCENT / POWERFUL] all season, with players like [ROONEY / CHICARITO / MAME BIRAM DIOUF] weighing in with [NUMBER] of goals and [NANI / YOUNG / ANDERSON] catching the eye with [DYNAMIC / PACEY / ELEGANT] performances. Holding everything together was the [INFLUENCE / CAPTAINCY / SEXUAL EXPLOITS] of [38 / 39 / 40 / 41] year-old Ryan Giggs.
The final standings of the league table were never in doubt following [JANUARY / FEBRUARY / MARCH] when United easily beat their nearest rivals [MANCHESTER CITY / CHELSEA / LIVERPOOL]. Despite an early scare in [AUGUST / SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER] with a controversial defeat to [BOLTON / FULHAM / WEST BROMWICH ALBION] that Alex Ferguson blamed on [THE PITCH / THE NEW AWAY KIT / DAVID DE GEA], United survived an injury to [TOM CLEVERLEY’S ANKLE / NEMANJA VIDIC’S KNEE / MIKE PHELAN’S CHIN] to regroup and push forwards with even more intent.
Alex Ferguson has avoided speaking to [SKY / BBC / HIS WIFE] throughout the campaign after accusations of [HIS SON BEING A DODGY AGENT / HIS NOSE BEING THE REDDEST THING ON EARTH / MIKE PHELAN BEING AN ANDROID], but he celebrated wildly with [HIS TEAM / THE FANS / HIS HORSES] following confirmation of the title win.
The Premier League title goes along with the other [1 / 2 / 3 / 4] trophies that United have already won this season, and next week they compete in the Champions League final against [INTER / BARCELONA / ANZHI MAKHACHKALA] in [BERLIN / OSLO / TORSHAVN].
London, March 28th 2011
Chelsea have followed up their pre-contract signing of 17 year old Brazilian wonderkid Lucas Piazon by snapping up the unborn child of Rio couple Jorge and Rena Teixeres.
The couple have already got three sons – 8 year old twins that have already been signed to a long term deal by Santos, and a 4 year old that is reportedly interesting Real Madrid and Barcelona already despite not even playing a game for his kindergarten team.
Carlo Ancelotti stated this afternoon that the signing of the youngster – already dubbed “Foetusinho” by the press – is a key part of building for the future of the London club. “We are confident that our new signing will be a big part of the team in around 18 years time” said the Italian. “I expect by then I will be in my fourth spell as Chelsea manager”.
He then paused for laughter. None followed.
Foetusinho is expected to be great with both feet, have blistering pace and be incredibly skilful, whilst having a slight attitude problem that means Chelsea supporters are always waiting for him to hand in a transfer quest. When quizzed about this Ancelotti added that was “part of the excitement of having a Brazilian in the team”.
Rena Teixeres is currently under the supervision and care of the Chelsea medical staff who are ensuring that she does not eat any peanuts, raw eggs or fish during the course of the pregnancy. Not knowing the full details of how the child will grow up is part of the charm for Ancelotti: “The youngster could be a tall centre back like Lucio, or a strong and stocky centre forward like Adriano. We just don’t know at this stage. It is very exciting indeed.”
After pausing for thought Ancelotti added: “Unless it’s a girl.”
London, March 16th 2011
With Rio Ferdinand reportedly unhappy with Fabio Capello for considering a return to John Terry as England captain, sources close to the Manchester United defender have said that he has issued a challenge to the Chelsea star for a wrestling match.
With England next playing at the end of the month, it is thought that the two will clash after a training session, as the remaining players stand watch and form an impromptu ring around the two combatants. Only the side square – Jermain Defoe – wants no part of this, saying that he’ll tell if anyone forces him to watch.
Despite being injured at the moment Ferdinand has been practising piledrivers and suplexes on his bedroom pillows, moonsaults on a bouncy castle that he has hired and applying figure four leglocks to anyone that will sit still for long enough.
“Rio is psyched” said team mate Michael Carrick. “He’s been watching Bret Hart videos on YouTube and has even designed his own outfit. This is a grudge match. It’s on.”
Sources close to John Terry have hinted that he may take a more dirty approach in the fight, with him growing his nails and resorting to kneeing colleagues in the groin when they aren’t expecting under the guise of “warming up for Rio.” Terry has not ruled out bringing a weapon to the match with him as “insurance” – such as a metal folding chair, baseball bat or salt to throw in Ferdinand’s eyes.
Both men are said to be training hard for the clash, with Ferdinand saying that he’s training so hard that he unfortunately can’t bring himself to urinate for any drugs tests that might occur during the build-up.
Ferguson Residence (Guest Wing), March 2nd 2011
Referee Mark Clattenberg has ordered that the Manchester United defeat to Chelsea at Stamford Bridge on Tuesday night should be replayed.
After controversially not noticing Wayne Rooney attempt to decapitate Wigan’s James McCarthy on Saturday and then insisting that no further action should be taken against the striker at an FA hearing yesterday, the official has laughed off suggestions that he is biased towards the Old Trafford giants.
“It’s simple, really. The winning Chelsea goal came from a penalty that was definitely the wrong decision” said Clattenberg whilst polishing the bonnet of Sir Alex Ferguson’s Bentley with a duster made from his own children’s hair. “Also, Manchester United were really tired, and it was cold, and the Chelsea fans were too loud, and Edwin Van Der Sar had a migraine.”
The game on Tuesday night was refereed my Martin Atkinson, but this hasn’t stopped Clattenberg from weighing in with his opinion.
“I don’t like to talk badly of another official, but Martin is well known around the FA for being so blind that he actually has a dog to help him to and from his car, and he gets all his letters sent to him in braille. I’ve seen this with my own eyes.”
Clattenberg doesn’t just want a straight replay either – he is petitioning the FA to have the rematch played at Old Trafford, with Chelsea reduced to 8 men from the start of the game, having to play rush keepers and with no away support. “It’s only fair” he said, seeing Sir Alex walk across his garden and waving at him coyly, before awkwardly adjusting his underwear. “United need to be given our full support as the bastions of good sportsmanship that they are, and infidels such as Chelsea will not be allowed to defeat my beloved Red gods among men.”
After pausing, he then added “I meant our beloved Red gods. Not mine, of course.”
He left then after being summoned to clean the shoes of Ferguson. We did not see him take any shoe-cleaning equipment with him, but he did drink hastily from a bottle of water.
The replay is scheduled for next Wednesday.
London, February 24th 2011
Chelsea striker Fernando Torres has suffered for form since signing from Liverpool for a British record £50 million fee. Blues fans need worry no more though, as an explanation is at hand.
Inside the Sheepskin has spoken to a hologram from the future called Admiral Al Calavicci who has stated that Torres’ current lameness in front of goal is down to his body being possessed by a time travelling quantum physicist called Sam Beckett. Beckett apparently “leaps” from subject to subject, from timezone to timezone, all in the bid to finally get “home” and back to his timeframe of early 1990s Hollywood.
“Sam has been sent to make a difference to the supporters of Chelsea football club” Al explained, whilst smoking a cigar and wearing a Hawaiian shirt. “He just needs to do something that results in Carlo Ancelotti getting the sack, and then he’ll make the leap to the next person.”
Al seemed pleased with Torres / Sam’s performance against Champions League minnows FC Copenhagen on Wednesday evening, stating that “you could tell that Sam has never kicked a ball in his life” and despite having the speed, power and agility of Torres’ body was still “the utter drizzling shits”.
We asked Al is Chelsea fans could look forward to Torres being back to normal once Sam has moved on. He fiddled with some kind of electronic device and stated “Yeah. He’ll score a couple of goals then get injured for 3 months, then rinse and repeat.”
It is thought that the romantic subplot between Torres / Sam and an attractive trainee physiotherapist at the club who is tired of clumsy male advances will fail once Sam moves on and Torres resumes being a floppy haired, acne-scarred hit-and-hope spoiled rich kid.