Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Corinthians
Zurich, November 3rd 2011
A legion of the most eminent scientists in the world have gathered at the CERN facility to discuss a variety of scientific discoveries this week. While most expected the faster than light neutrino issue that was highlighted by the Hadron Collider to draw all the attention, it has been an anthropological issue that has caught the imagination.
Dr Steven Rankine of Oxford University explains further: “We have been studying the alleged existence of so-called “Brazilian defenders” for years now, with journalists and fans alike convinced that such things exist. After watching tens of thousands of hours of football we can confirm one thing: Such a thing does not exist. They are as mythical as unicorns, the chupacabra and Francis Jeffers career.”
This news will come as a shock to many football fans who have been excited in the past to learn their side have purchased a Brazilian talent – only to then be told that they are allegedly defenders, something that we now know cannot in any way be true. Dr Rankine continued: “We first identified our hypothesis after watching Roque Junior make his debut for Leeds United and see an allegedly international centre-back be mugged constantly by Paul Dickov”.
Further evidence has mounted up: So-called centre backs such as Lucio and David Luiz who can bend in free kicks from 45 yards but have no basic tackling skills; Alleged full-backs who get dizzy if they ever venture back into their own halves; And Cafu, who as well as playing all of the Clone Troopers in the Star Wars films, stated on his fake Italian passport that his profession was “pacy winger”.
Brazilian football managers have reacted to the news by immediately altering their formations. Gremio, Sao Paulo and Corinthians have all displayed a new 0-5-5 formation that leads to as many goals conceded as when they went through the fallacy of insisting their sides had defenders. Gremio beat Corinthians 4-3 last night, with Gremio’s winning goal being a stunning free kick from their goalkeeper Victor.
Manchester, October 12th 2011
Carlos Tevez has returned from his two week exile in his native Argentina bearing gifts for all of the Manchester City supporters that he feels he has let down.
Dragging a large suitcase into Eastlands today with a phalanx of assistants bringing in further carrier bags behind him, Tevez has repeatedly stated that he is “truly sorry for the terrible misunderstanding” regarding him seeming to refuse to enter the field of play during City’s defeat in the Champions League to Bayern Munich. He added that “it is definitely a misunderstanding. I didn’t hear my name being mentioned, and I presumed I was being asked if I would like a cup of bovril. That’s why you can see me shaking my head. It’s all quite simple really.”
Tevez has purchased a large selection of gifts for City supporters to choose from. He has stated that he expects the 400 cigarettes that he brought back as duty-free purchases to go first, with him willing to split the purchase into two separate cartons of 200 cigarettes. It is thought that these are “Benson and Hedges” brand cigarettes.
Further down the pecking order are several hundred Corinthians replica shirts which Tevez claims to “just having had lying around”. They have “Tevez 10” printed on the back and are interestlingly from this season.
Tevez is also offering 2 weeks of advice from Kia Joorabchian to the first 25 fans that request that as their gift, stating that his Iranian handler can advise them in all kinds of matters “relating to trying to get out of working for a living”.
Rounding out the choice of gifts are 1,000 sombreros, 5,000 hand-made straw donkeys and 40,000 tins of corned beef.