Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: England
London, December 5th 2011
With the European Championship just over six months away, the Football Association have been quick to quash any talk of the England team’s training base in Poland being unfit for use in the run up to the tournament.
Certain news outlets have reported today that the training base is actually a Polish Fourth Division stadium, with two old mobile classrooms being used for changing rooms and the shower merely being a hose draped over a fence – something that is clearly a touchy subject for the FA. A source told us that “clearly the facilities aren’t quite there just yet, but we have plans in place to pretty much guarantee that we will win the title”.
Those plans are thought to include:
* A secret tunnel with high-speed “bullet train” that will take the squad from their Polish base to their matches in the Ukraine
* A special “slattern on a stick” treadmill baiting system to encourage the players to run faster and train harder
* As many jaffa cakes as they can eat
* A 24-hour defence lawyer service for John Terry
* Massive amounts of cotton wool to wrap around Joe Hart in lieu of the fact there are no other decent English goalkeepers
* Spare metatarsels
* Montage music playing permanently during training – “You’re the Best Around” by Joe Esposito from The Karate Kid
In spite of all of these fantastic developments, England will be eliminated in the quarter finals after a penalty shoot-out defeat to Germany following a lacklustre scrape through the group stages.
London, 6th October 2011
With England goalkeeper David Stockdale suffering an injury in training yesterday, it has now emerged that you are the third choice keeper for the Euro 2012 qualifier in Montenegro on Friday evening.
Joe Hart remains a lock-in for the number one shirt with Turkey-based Scott Carson his perpetual number two. With recent call-ups England boss Fabio Capello has turned to Stockdale, Frank Fielding, Chris Weale, Andy Lonergan, Kevin Poole and John Burridge, and it is now your turn to clumsily don your gloves.
Whilst the press have poured criticism on Capello’s choice to call you up to the squad – citing amongst other things a lack of experience, your diminutive stature and the fact that your goalkeeping gloves are woollen mittens – you are thought to be excited at the possibility of gaining your first cap for your country. A sell-out crowd will watch and wait to see if you manage to make it onto the pitch by some quirk of fate and demonstrate to amazingly awkward car-crash netminding.
When asked about his selection of you at a press conference this morning, Capello was quick to defend his choice – claiming that you are “definitely English, and definitely not Robert Green”.
Nottingham, September 21st 2011
Following a press conference today to discuss his side’s poor start to the season, Nottingham Forest manager Steve McLaren has demonstrated some kind of twisted mashed-up accent that nobody attending could understand.
Originally boasting a broad Yorkshire accent during his playing career, 50 year old McLaren has now tried to adopt so many different accents that he seems to be speaking in some kind of childish gibberish, half The Clangers and half Stoppit and Tidyup.
During his successful spell as Manchester United coach, McLaren tried to demonstrate an affinity to the Old Trafford faithful by putting on a slight Salford twang during any interviews he had in place of Sir Alex Ferguson. After taking the helm at Middlesbrough he added a smog-addled North-East accent, before trying to make his accent as England manager a mixture of all these things sprinkled with some cockney for “broad national appeal”.
His Dutch accent whilst at FC Twente is now the stuff of legend, but very few fans will have heard his German accent whilst at Wolfsburg – described by one pundit as “like a cast member of Allo Allo“. Now he seems to be struggling with the East Midlands accent, with the only words recognisable during his press conference being the thirteen times that he said “me duck”.
Whilst known for his often futuristic coaching methods – using psychologists and videos, for example – his accent may to be blame for the terrible start to the Championship season that Forest have experienced. It is thought that he tried to ask his players to play “free flow, attacking football” for their weekend defeat at home to Derby County, but that came out through his myriad of accents as “just sit back and let the sheep beat you with ten men”.
London, 10th May 2011
Despite being dismissed from the committee charged with winning the 2018 world cup bid for England last May, Lord Triesman is still banging on about how unfair everything that transpired was for him.
Triesman resigned after accusing Spain and Russia of bribing referees during the 2010 world cup, and the FA have distanced themselves from him since then. However he held a press conference today to, as he put it, “clear the air” regarding some issues that he felt he needed to “bring to light”.
The peer – wearing an England shirt, a Union Jack as some kind of impromptu cape and shorts – started his statement with the words “now let me tell you what some of these fuckers are REALLY up to.”
He singled out FIFA vice president Jack Warner as “the worst of all those smelly bum-bum heads” and stated that Warner offered to vote for England’s bid on two conditions: That Triesman would buy him a full-size snooker table for his home in Trinidad, and that he would take upskirt photographs of his wife and make copies of them for Warner.
Paraguay’s FIFA member Nicolas Leoz was accused of “not even being from a proper country” and only ever wearing “beige shirts that smelled of wee”. Leoz apparently asked for seventeen bottles of “Dreft Dark” fabric detergent (that is not available in Paraguay) and a “sack full of Chomps and Curly Wurlys” in exchange for his vote.
Triesman stated that Brazilian representative Terra Teixeira was “the most demanding” with him asking for the transfer of Sheffield United forward Ched Evans to his beloved Gremio, a basket of muffins, two tickets to see “Wicked” in the West End and a remote control helicopter with “all the batteries I will ever need for it” in exchange for his nod towards the England campaign.
Finally, Thailand’s Worawi Makudi asked to be able to punch Triesman “full in the face, three times” and if he did not cry then the vote would be his.
Triesman signed off by opening a can of cherry fanta, belching and calling everyone from FIFA “big monkey liars”, “bear felching walrus-fuckers” and “sneering, antelope-raping shysters obsessed with money, power, gifts and mediocre welsh centre forwards”.
He was close to tears as he left the press conference and disappeared into the nearest Ladbrokes.
London, March 16th 2011
With Rio Ferdinand reportedly unhappy with Fabio Capello for considering a return to John Terry as England captain, sources close to the Manchester United defender have said that he has issued a challenge to the Chelsea star for a wrestling match.
With England next playing at the end of the month, it is thought that the two will clash after a training session, as the remaining players stand watch and form an impromptu ring around the two combatants. Only the side square – Jermain Defoe – wants no part of this, saying that he’ll tell if anyone forces him to watch.
Despite being injured at the moment Ferdinand has been practising piledrivers and suplexes on his bedroom pillows, moonsaults on a bouncy castle that he has hired and applying figure four leglocks to anyone that will sit still for long enough.
“Rio is psyched” said team mate Michael Carrick. “He’s been watching Bret Hart videos on YouTube and has even designed his own outfit. This is a grudge match. It’s on.”
Sources close to John Terry have hinted that he may take a more dirty approach in the fight, with him growing his nails and resorting to kneeing colleagues in the groin when they aren’t expecting under the guise of “warming up for Rio.” Terry has not ruled out bringing a weapon to the match with him as “insurance” – such as a metal folding chair, baseball bat or salt to throw in Ferdinand’s eyes.
Both men are said to be training hard for the clash, with Ferdinand saying that he’s training so hard that he unfortunately can’t bring himself to urinate for any drugs tests that might occur during the build-up.
Colombo, March 13th 2011
England have been knocked out of the Cricket World Cup by Germany after a thrilling drawn game in Sri Lanka.
Fans of the minor sport are thought to be distraught after such a heartbreaking elimination. The game was tied at 230 runs each after 50 overs, so the umpire deemed that the game should go to a penalty shoot-out after a portable football goal was wheeled into the outfield. Each wicket keeper acted as goalkeeper for the shoot-out, with the previously unfancied German team coming out on top.
The German team is ranked eighth in Europe amongst the non-test sides and is full of amateur “athletes” compared to the pie-eating, standing in a field, game-called-off-if-its-raining full time players from the England team – some of whom earn up to £12,000 a year.
Germany featured various professions in their side – a bratwurst salesman, a lederhosen maker, a oompah band member and former Spurs midfielder Steffen Freund.
England missed all three of their penalties.
Manchester, February 27th 2011
Following controversy regarding the obvious elbow on Wigan’s James McCarthy during Manchester United’s 4-0 victory at the DW Stadium on Saturday, it has emerged that Wayne Rooney has escaped punishment for several other violent outbursts.
Referee Mark Clattenberg has been accused of turning a blind eye to the incident at the weekend, whilst United assistant boss Mark Phelan has insisted the referee saw the incident. “Of course he saw it” stated the mouthpiece of sir Alex Ferguson. “He even told Wayne it was a cracking shot and laughed at McCarthy on the ground.” When asked if this was wrong, Phelan replied “of course not. He’s Wayne fucking Rooney.”
Following on from this, sources close to the club have confirmed the other rumoured incidents involving the England striker:
He once kicked a kitten over a fence just to impress Colleen;
He set fire to a disused factory in Manchester and filmed it to post on YouTube;
He slapped a 5 year old autograph hunter in the face screaming “there’s your fucking signature”;
Most tellingly of all, last close season he travelled to Nevada after watching the Johnny Cash biopic Walk The Line. Wanting to actually echo the sentiments of the song, he found a homeless man and as friends and family gathered around he tied him up and shot him point blank in the face. Police were aware of this but apparently Rooney had special dispensation to do this.
The Nevada chief of police stated yesterday that he had letters signed by Prime Minister David Cameron and the Football Association saying that Rooney should be allowed freedom to do whatever he chose, a request to which the chief was told to adhere to. He did question it though, and was apparently told “he can do whatever he pleases. He is, after all, Wayne Fucking Rooney.”