Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: FIFA
Geneva, November 17th 2011
Sources close to Sepp Blatter are reporting that the embattled FIFA president is struggling to find people to offend, after confidently stating that he had “finally checked all non-whites off the list”.
Blatter has created a media furore this week with his comments that racism on and off the pitch can be solved with a simple handshake, something that clearly everyone involved in World War Two and the American Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s were never informed of. Blatter has in the past tried purchasing a DeLorean so he can go back in time and try to sort out every single problem on the face of the earth with his obviously superior brain and logic, but to no avail thus far.
In the past, Blatter has also offended homosexuals and women, stating to the latter that he would watch their game more if they would show of more “sweet, sweet ass”, and interrupting the women’s World Cup Final by getting the referee to halt the game and haul the players into the centre circle so he could soak them all with a bucket of water in an impromptu wet t-shirt contest to “boost ratings”.
Blatter has confided to his aides that he needs to create a list of groups he can target next, beginning by telling our source that he “could probably go at the Jews a bit more” and that at the Paralympics next year that he could probably “say a load of shit about cripples”.
His initial focus is said to be on children though, taking a two-pronged approach of both making them sexier and telling them that are worthless little playthings next to his massive intellect, enormous forehead and ability to say things without needing to think about them first.
London, 10th May 2011
Despite being dismissed from the committee charged with winning the 2018 world cup bid for England last May, Lord Triesman is still banging on about how unfair everything that transpired was for him.
Triesman resigned after accusing Spain and Russia of bribing referees during the 2010 world cup, and the FA have distanced themselves from him since then. However he held a press conference today to, as he put it, “clear the air” regarding some issues that he felt he needed to “bring to light”.
The peer – wearing an England shirt, a Union Jack as some kind of impromptu cape and shorts – started his statement with the words “now let me tell you what some of these fuckers are REALLY up to.”
He singled out FIFA vice president Jack Warner as “the worst of all those smelly bum-bum heads” and stated that Warner offered to vote for England’s bid on two conditions: That Triesman would buy him a full-size snooker table for his home in Trinidad, and that he would take upskirt photographs of his wife and make copies of them for Warner.
Paraguay’s FIFA member Nicolas Leoz was accused of “not even being from a proper country” and only ever wearing “beige shirts that smelled of wee”. Leoz apparently asked for seventeen bottles of “Dreft Dark” fabric detergent (that is not available in Paraguay) and a “sack full of Chomps and Curly Wurlys” in exchange for his vote.
Triesman stated that Brazilian representative Terra Teixeira was “the most demanding” with him asking for the transfer of Sheffield United forward Ched Evans to his beloved Gremio, a basket of muffins, two tickets to see “Wicked” in the West End and a remote control helicopter with “all the batteries I will ever need for it” in exchange for his nod towards the England campaign.
Finally, Thailand’s Worawi Makudi asked to be able to punch Triesman “full in the face, three times” and if he did not cry then the vote would be his.
Triesman signed off by opening a can of cherry fanta, belching and calling everyone from FIFA “big monkey liars”, “bear felching walrus-fuckers” and “sneering, antelope-raping shysters obsessed with money, power, gifts and mediocre welsh centre forwards”.
He was close to tears as he left the press conference and disappeared into the nearest Ladbrokes.
Zurich, April 17th 2011
FIFA President Sepp Blatter has passed an urgent decree today making it mandatory for every broadcaster showing football to have at least one Scottish pundit.
Blatter addressed a packed press conference with the news, stating that “it is important for Scotland to keep making their main contribution to the sport: Self-important, whining co-commentators who are infinitely better at picking fault than they were at playing the game.”
The news has been met with praise by former Scottish footballers. Whilst the likes of so-called “legends” like Alan McInally, Charlie Nicholas and Pat Nevin already have jobs, this is expected to open up a lot of additional positions. Inside the Sheepskin spoke to former Dundee United and St Johnstone goalkeeper Alan Main who told us of the jobs that he has been offered so far: “I’ve spoken to networks in Lithuania, Estonia and Thailand regarding work.” He added that he was “surprised really, I didn’t think anyone outside of Perth or Dundee knew who the fuck I was.”
TV networks have been set a deadline of the start of the 2011/12 season to take on their Scottish pundits, although many have already started. Former second choice St Mirren ‘keeper Les Fridge, 42, has been unveiled as star pundit for the ESPN network in Mexico despite speaking no Spanish whatsoever. On his debut performance he criticised the defending of every team in Mexico through an interpreter.
The move has attracted some criticism though, with there being talk of non-Scottish pundits picketing the offices of FIFA. It is thought that Jamie Redknapp would lead these protests, as his endorsement of Thomas Cook travel agents means he has a fair amount of free air miles to spend on their budget airlines.