Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Francis Jeffers
Zurich, November 3rd 2011
A legion of the most eminent scientists in the world have gathered at the CERN facility to discuss a variety of scientific discoveries this week. While most expected the faster than light neutrino issue that was highlighted by the Hadron Collider to draw all the attention, it has been an anthropological issue that has caught the imagination.
Dr Steven Rankine of Oxford University explains further: “We have been studying the alleged existence of so-called “Brazilian defenders” for years now, with journalists and fans alike convinced that such things exist. After watching tens of thousands of hours of football we can confirm one thing: Such a thing does not exist. They are as mythical as unicorns, the chupacabra and Francis Jeffers career.”
This news will come as a shock to many football fans who have been excited in the past to learn their side have purchased a Brazilian talent – only to then be told that they are allegedly defenders, something that we now know cannot in any way be true. Dr Rankine continued: “We first identified our hypothesis after watching Roque Junior make his debut for Leeds United and see an allegedly international centre-back be mugged constantly by Paul Dickov”.
Further evidence has mounted up: So-called centre backs such as Lucio and David Luiz who can bend in free kicks from 45 yards but have no basic tackling skills; Alleged full-backs who get dizzy if they ever venture back into their own halves; And Cafu, who as well as playing all of the Clone Troopers in the Star Wars films, stated on his fake Italian passport that his profession was “pacy winger”.
Brazilian football managers have reacted to the news by immediately altering their formations. Gremio, Sao Paulo and Corinthians have all displayed a new 0-5-5 formation that leads to as many goals conceded as when they went through the fallacy of insisting their sides had defenders. Gremio beat Corinthians 4-3 last night, with Gremio’s winning goal being a stunning free kick from their goalkeeper Victor.
London, February 27th 2011
Young Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny has been voted into the all time greatest Arsenal players XI, as voted for by Tottenham Hotspur supporters.
The organisers of the poll stated that his “tremendous” performance in today’s Carling Cup final defeat as being responsible for his late surge into the starting line-up, replacing previous number one Manuel Almunia.
Szczesny is now selected alongside such Arsenal legends as Ian Selley, Pascal Cygan, Eddie McGoldrick, Gus Caesar, Chris Kiwomya, Pal Lydersen, Glenn Helder, Remi Garde and team captain Francis Jeffers.
Sources closest to the Arsenal keeper have stated that “Wojciech thinks this is a great honour. It’s usually so difficult to break into a side that is often dominated by George Graham’s midfield signings.”