Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Fulham
London, 10th November 2011
West Ham United have decided to follow the lead of Newcastle United and rename their stadium to showcase the corporate opportunities at the club.
Newcastle have renamed their St James’ Park stadium as the “Sports Direct Arena” – the business of their owner Mike Ashley – in a move that has been thought to generate exactly no money and a rather large amount of irritation for the no-coat wearing Geordie masses.
One supported said “haway, they’ll be renaming the Blaydon Races the 10-poond pair of Lonsdale trainers races next.”
West Ham are likely to be just the first of many clubs to follow the lead of the so-called North East’s “Giants” in taking a similar step to rename an historic ground after the business of their owners. David Gold and David Sullivan have ploughed a lot of their cash into the club since they took over and the new name for the old Boleyn Ground is thought to be the “Ann Summers Budget Wankmag Arena”.
It is already rumoured that other clubs are getting ready to follow suit and take on the names of their money-donor owner’s firms:
Everton: The Willy Russell’s “Blood Brothers” Emporium
Blackburn Rovers: The Venky’s Yum Yum Yummy Yum Yum Chicken Stadium
Fulham: The Harrods THE QUEEN KILLED MY SON Arena
Whilst the rest of the country can see the inherent hilarity of the new Newcastle United stadium name, fans in the city actually seem to think that it’s a bit of a compliment, as every family in the North East spends over a quarter of their annual income in Sports Direct shops on Donnay t-shirts, Head golf clubs and five year old tracksuit pants.
The Red Devils have celebrated winning their [INSERT NUMBER] Premier League title with a victory over [INSERT NAME].
United have been [DOMINANT / EFFERVESCENT / POWERFUL] all season, with players like [ROONEY / CHICARITO / MAME BIRAM DIOUF] weighing in with [NUMBER] of goals and [NANI / YOUNG / ANDERSON] catching the eye with [DYNAMIC / PACEY / ELEGANT] performances. Holding everything together was the [INFLUENCE / CAPTAINCY / SEXUAL EXPLOITS] of [38 / 39 / 40 / 41] year-old Ryan Giggs.
The final standings of the league table were never in doubt following [JANUARY / FEBRUARY / MARCH] when United easily beat their nearest rivals [MANCHESTER CITY / CHELSEA / LIVERPOOL]. Despite an early scare in [AUGUST / SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER] with a controversial defeat to [BOLTON / FULHAM / WEST BROMWICH ALBION] that Alex Ferguson blamed on [THE PITCH / THE NEW AWAY KIT / DAVID DE GEA], United survived an injury to [TOM CLEVERLEY’S ANKLE / NEMANJA VIDIC’S KNEE / MIKE PHELAN’S CHIN] to regroup and push forwards with even more intent.
Alex Ferguson has avoided speaking to [SKY / BBC / HIS WIFE] throughout the campaign after accusations of [HIS SON BEING A DODGY AGENT / HIS NOSE BEING THE REDDEST THING ON EARTH / MIKE PHELAN BEING AN ANDROID], but he celebrated wildly with [HIS TEAM / THE FANS / HIS HORSES] following confirmation of the title win.
The Premier League title goes along with the other [1 / 2 / 3 / 4] trophies that United have already won this season, and next week they compete in the Champions League final against [INTER / BARCELONA / ANZHI MAKHACHKALA] in [BERLIN / OSLO / TORSHAVN].
Manchester, February 27th 2011
The parents of Mark Hughes and Roberto Mancini had to be called to Eastlands this afternoon after the warring managers were involved in an unsavoury spat after the final whistle of the 1-1 draw between Manchester City and Fulham.
After an ill-tempered handshake between the two bosses, words were exchanged in the tunnel on the way back to the dressing room.
It is thought that Hughes called Mancini “a scarf-wearing pretty boy with girl hair” before Mancini slapped him around the ear and kicked him in the shin. Stewards managed to split them up before briefly before Hughes broke through them and thrust his knee into the groin of Mancini, before bending the Italian’s fingers back until he screamed.
Mancini did manage to stop this onslaught by stamping on the toes of Hughes before throttling the Welshman with his trademark pale blue and white scarf. He then pulled out a handful of his hair and hit him with a “tango slap” – two cupped hands clapped together over Hughes’ ears. It is often thought that this can cause victims to go deaf, but Hughes seems to be showing no ill effects.
With the Fulham boss on the floor, it is thought that Mancini started on his way back to his dressing room when he was confronted by Fulham assistant manager Mark Bowen. As he distracted Mancini, Hughes crawled behind the Italian on all fours and when he was in place, Bowen pushed him over. With Mancini on the floor, Bowen held him down by kneeling on his shoulders and Hughes gave him an extra-hard Chinese burn.
Unofficial reports coming out of the City of Manchester Stadium state that Hughes even spat on his hands first to make sure that the Chinese burn was extra intense.
Both sets of parents are said to be “very disappointed” in the behaviour of their sons, with Mancini’s mother Irene stating that although her son came off worse, he is “just as bad as the other one”.