Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Gremio
Zurich, November 3rd 2011
A legion of the most eminent scientists in the world have gathered at the CERN facility to discuss a variety of scientific discoveries this week. While most expected the faster than light neutrino issue that was highlighted by the Hadron Collider to draw all the attention, it has been an anthropological issue that has caught the imagination.
Dr Steven Rankine of Oxford University explains further: “We have been studying the alleged existence of so-called “Brazilian defenders” for years now, with journalists and fans alike convinced that such things exist. After watching tens of thousands of hours of football we can confirm one thing: Such a thing does not exist. They are as mythical as unicorns, the chupacabra and Francis Jeffers career.”
This news will come as a shock to many football fans who have been excited in the past to learn their side have purchased a Brazilian talent – only to then be told that they are allegedly defenders, something that we now know cannot in any way be true. Dr Rankine continued: “We first identified our hypothesis after watching Roque Junior make his debut for Leeds United and see an allegedly international centre-back be mugged constantly by Paul Dickov”.
Further evidence has mounted up: So-called centre backs such as Lucio and David Luiz who can bend in free kicks from 45 yards but have no basic tackling skills; Alleged full-backs who get dizzy if they ever venture back into their own halves; And Cafu, who as well as playing all of the Clone Troopers in the Star Wars films, stated on his fake Italian passport that his profession was “pacy winger”.
Brazilian football managers have reacted to the news by immediately altering their formations. Gremio, Sao Paulo and Corinthians have all displayed a new 0-5-5 formation that leads to as many goals conceded as when they went through the fallacy of insisting their sides had defenders. Gremio beat Corinthians 4-3 last night, with Gremio’s winning goal being a stunning free kick from their goalkeeper Victor.
London, 10th May 2011
Despite being dismissed from the committee charged with winning the 2018 world cup bid for England last May, Lord Triesman is still banging on about how unfair everything that transpired was for him.
Triesman resigned after accusing Spain and Russia of bribing referees during the 2010 world cup, and the FA have distanced themselves from him since then. However he held a press conference today to, as he put it, “clear the air” regarding some issues that he felt he needed to “bring to light”.
The peer – wearing an England shirt, a Union Jack as some kind of impromptu cape and shorts – started his statement with the words “now let me tell you what some of these fuckers are REALLY up to.”
He singled out FIFA vice president Jack Warner as “the worst of all those smelly bum-bum heads” and stated that Warner offered to vote for England’s bid on two conditions: That Triesman would buy him a full-size snooker table for his home in Trinidad, and that he would take upskirt photographs of his wife and make copies of them for Warner.
Paraguay’s FIFA member Nicolas Leoz was accused of “not even being from a proper country” and only ever wearing “beige shirts that smelled of wee”. Leoz apparently asked for seventeen bottles of “Dreft Dark” fabric detergent (that is not available in Paraguay) and a “sack full of Chomps and Curly Wurlys” in exchange for his vote.
Triesman stated that Brazilian representative Terra Teixeira was “the most demanding” with him asking for the transfer of Sheffield United forward Ched Evans to his beloved Gremio, a basket of muffins, two tickets to see “Wicked” in the West End and a remote control helicopter with “all the batteries I will ever need for it” in exchange for his nod towards the England campaign.
Finally, Thailand’s Worawi Makudi asked to be able to punch Triesman “full in the face, three times” and if he did not cry then the vote would be his.
Triesman signed off by opening a can of cherry fanta, belching and calling everyone from FIFA “big monkey liars”, “bear felching walrus-fuckers” and “sneering, antelope-raping shysters obsessed with money, power, gifts and mediocre welsh centre forwards”.
He was close to tears as he left the press conference and disappeared into the nearest Ladbrokes.