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Liverpool, February 22nd 2011
Andy Carroll is due to make his début appearance on Merseyside this week, with a bumper crowd expected to watch him.
The £35 million striker is due to take the stand as the accused on a charge of vandalism after kicking the window of a kebab shop in a fit of rage after ordering the wrong post-night out meal with his new Reds team-mates.
Throngs of Kopites are due to sit in the public gallery at Liverpool Crown Court wearing “Carroll 9” replica shirts and holding their scarves upside down for the cameras as they sing You’ll Never Walk Alone until they are silenced by the clerk of the court.
“He’s already a legend” said one fan, clearly not needing to be at work this afternoon when the news was announced. “He’s already scaring local businesses left right and centre, imagine what he’ll be able to do on the global stage”.
“This time he’s terrorized the Turks” added another supporter. “You can see him doing the same to the Italians, Spanish and Portuguese. I’ve already heard rumours that he kicked off in a Nandos when he realised he had to place his order himself but they calmed him down with free Red Pepper Dip.”
Carroll – according to witness statements – ordered a doner kebab from the independent Gala-Satay-Ray kebab shop in Liverpool City Centre last week but became agitated when he started eating it and claimed he asked for a mixed chicken and lamb shish with extra chilli sauce. He communicated mainly through flicking his hair, pounding his fists and monosyllabic grunts. When he left the shop he smashed the window with one kick from his powerful right hoof before falling over in a pool of urine in the gutter. The police were called shortly after.
If he is found guilty he will break Stan Collymore’s record for quickest conviction as a Liverpool player. Collymore received a fine for importing bizarre animal pornography from an address in Denmark just three months into his spell with the Reds.
It is thought that the court may prefer to let Carroll live with a team-mate (as he did with Kevin Noble at Newcastle), but most of his colleagues are currently inventing stories of visiting family, pregnant partners or not speaking Geordie.