Inside The Sheepskin

Football news, rumours and lies.

Tag Archives: Jack Rodwell

Jack Rodwell Imprisoned for Assault

Not seen: Dead Uruguayan.

Liverpool, 4th October 2011

Following the good news that young Everton midfielder Jack Rodwell has had his harsh red card from the weekend’s clash against Liverpool rescinded, it now seems that the youngster has been imprisoned for an undetermined amount of time following an alleged assault.

It is thought that Rodwell shook the hand of Liverpool attacker Luis Suarez in a Liverpool night club on Saturday evening, and this heinous attack may have snapped the Uruguayan trickster’s wrist in several places.

Suarez was carried out of the venue on a stretcher, before being tended to in the street.  A few minutes later he gingerly got to his feet and carried on drinking with no obvious ill effects.  Rodwell was escorted out of the venue despite his protests, and then placed in a police van where he was beaten down with truncheons and sprayed with mace “for his own safekeeping”.

Rodwell was then held overnight in a cell with no food, water or heat before being transferred to Strangeways where he will be held until the end of his sentence.  His case was heard in his absence today, with Suaraz and Kenny Dalglish giving their evidence in front of a judge that was wearing a 1980’s classic “Candy” Liverpool replica shirt.

Suarez wept in court, clutching his wrist.

Rodwell will be available again for Everton’s home game with Fulham in 2014.

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Midfielders Counting Down Days Till Paul Scholes Retires

Just reminding the ref of how many yellow cards he's had today.

Manchester, March 13th 2011

Despite being named by foreign midfielders such as Xavi, Franck Ribery and Mesut Ozil as one of their favourite ever players, midfielders in the English Premier League are actively looking forward to the time that Manchester United stalwart Paul Scholes retires.

Fulham star Jonathan Greening played in the same youth set-up as Scholes but said yesterday “I’m sick to death of the little fucker.  Every time I play against him I can’t walk for a week afterwards.  He was like this as a kid as well.  Wish we’d never called him Gingernuts.”

Bolton Wanderers’ American international Stuart Holden reacted to the news that Scholes may not retire at the end of the season by saying “fuck off.  Really?  Oh god.”  He then wept openly in the corner of the room, rocking backwards and forwards.

Everton’s Jack Rodwell was asked if he thought Scholes was a “pitbull” in midfield, to which he replied “no way.  He’s more like an ill-tempered terrier, starved of attention and love and running on spite and anger, with a chip on his shoulder the size of Altrincham and a temper that makes the Incredible Hulk look like Mother Theresa.”

Scholes was busy training yesterday and did not want to comment on the opinions of his peers.  Inside the Sheepskin observed his usual routine:  Firing balls through a hanging tyre from 30 yards with his gifted right foot, then kicking a child to death.