Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: James McCarthy
Ferguson Residence (Guest Wing), March 2nd 2011
Referee Mark Clattenberg has ordered that the Manchester United defeat to Chelsea at Stamford Bridge on Tuesday night should be replayed.
After controversially not noticing Wayne Rooney attempt to decapitate Wigan’s James McCarthy on Saturday and then insisting that no further action should be taken against the striker at an FA hearing yesterday, the official has laughed off suggestions that he is biased towards the Old Trafford giants.
“It’s simple, really. The winning Chelsea goal came from a penalty that was definitely the wrong decision” said Clattenberg whilst polishing the bonnet of Sir Alex Ferguson’s Bentley with a duster made from his own children’s hair. “Also, Manchester United were really tired, and it was cold, and the Chelsea fans were too loud, and Edwin Van Der Sar had a migraine.”
The game on Tuesday night was refereed my Martin Atkinson, but this hasn’t stopped Clattenberg from weighing in with his opinion.
“I don’t like to talk badly of another official, but Martin is well known around the FA for being so blind that he actually has a dog to help him to and from his car, and he gets all his letters sent to him in braille. I’ve seen this with my own eyes.”
Clattenberg doesn’t just want a straight replay either – he is petitioning the FA to have the rematch played at Old Trafford, with Chelsea reduced to 8 men from the start of the game, having to play rush keepers and with no away support. “It’s only fair” he said, seeing Sir Alex walk across his garden and waving at him coyly, before awkwardly adjusting his underwear. “United need to be given our full support as the bastions of good sportsmanship that they are, and infidels such as Chelsea will not be allowed to defeat my beloved Red gods among men.”
After pausing, he then added “I meant our beloved Red gods. Not mine, of course.”
He left then after being summoned to clean the shoes of Ferguson. We did not see him take any shoe-cleaning equipment with him, but he did drink hastily from a bottle of water.
The replay is scheduled for next Wednesday.
Manchester, February 27th 2011
Following controversy regarding the obvious elbow on Wigan’s James McCarthy during Manchester United’s 4-0 victory at the DW Stadium on Saturday, it has emerged that Wayne Rooney has escaped punishment for several other violent outbursts.
Referee Mark Clattenberg has been accused of turning a blind eye to the incident at the weekend, whilst United assistant boss Mark Phelan has insisted the referee saw the incident. “Of course he saw it” stated the mouthpiece of sir Alex Ferguson. “He even told Wayne it was a cracking shot and laughed at McCarthy on the ground.” When asked if this was wrong, Phelan replied “of course not. He’s Wayne fucking Rooney.”
Following on from this, sources close to the club have confirmed the other rumoured incidents involving the England striker:
He once kicked a kitten over a fence just to impress Colleen;
He set fire to a disused factory in Manchester and filmed it to post on YouTube;
He slapped a 5 year old autograph hunter in the face screaming “there’s your fucking signature”;
Most tellingly of all, last close season he travelled to Nevada after watching the Johnny Cash biopic Walk The Line. Wanting to actually echo the sentiments of the song, he found a homeless man and as friends and family gathered around he tied him up and shot him point blank in the face. Police were aware of this but apparently Rooney had special dispensation to do this.
The Nevada chief of police stated yesterday that he had letters signed by Prime Minister David Cameron and the Football Association saying that Rooney should be allowed freedom to do whatever he chose, a request to which the chief was told to adhere to. He did question it though, and was apparently told “he can do whatever he pleases. He is, after all, Wayne Fucking Rooney.”