Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Liverpool
Liverpool, 4th October 2011
Following the good news that young Everton midfielder Jack Rodwell has had his harsh red card from the weekend’s clash against Liverpool rescinded, it now seems that the youngster has been imprisoned for an undetermined amount of time following an alleged assault.
It is thought that Rodwell shook the hand of Liverpool attacker Luis Suarez in a Liverpool night club on Saturday evening, and this heinous attack may have snapped the Uruguayan trickster’s wrist in several places.
Suarez was carried out of the venue on a stretcher, before being tended to in the street. A few minutes later he gingerly got to his feet and carried on drinking with no obvious ill effects. Rodwell was escorted out of the venue despite his protests, and then placed in a police van where he was beaten down with truncheons and sprayed with mace “for his own safekeeping”.
Rodwell was then held overnight in a cell with no food, water or heat before being transferred to Strangeways where he will be held until the end of his sentence. His case was heard in his absence today, with Suaraz and Kenny Dalglish giving their evidence in front of a judge that was wearing a 1980’s classic “Candy” Liverpool replica shirt.
Suarez wept in court, clutching his wrist.
Rodwell will be available again for Everton’s home game with Fulham in 2014.
The Red Devils have celebrated winning their [INSERT NUMBER] Premier League title with a victory over [INSERT NAME].
United have been [DOMINANT / EFFERVESCENT / POWERFUL] all season, with players like [ROONEY / CHICARITO / MAME BIRAM DIOUF] weighing in with [NUMBER] of goals and [NANI / YOUNG / ANDERSON] catching the eye with [DYNAMIC / PACEY / ELEGANT] performances. Holding everything together was the [INFLUENCE / CAPTAINCY / SEXUAL EXPLOITS] of [38 / 39 / 40 / 41] year-old Ryan Giggs.
The final standings of the league table were never in doubt following [JANUARY / FEBRUARY / MARCH] when United easily beat their nearest rivals [MANCHESTER CITY / CHELSEA / LIVERPOOL]. Despite an early scare in [AUGUST / SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER] with a controversial defeat to [BOLTON / FULHAM / WEST BROMWICH ALBION] that Alex Ferguson blamed on [THE PITCH / THE NEW AWAY KIT / DAVID DE GEA], United survived an injury to [TOM CLEVERLEY’S ANKLE / NEMANJA VIDIC’S KNEE / MIKE PHELAN’S CHIN] to regroup and push forwards with even more intent.
Alex Ferguson has avoided speaking to [SKY / BBC / HIS WIFE] throughout the campaign after accusations of [HIS SON BEING A DODGY AGENT / HIS NOSE BEING THE REDDEST THING ON EARTH / MIKE PHELAN BEING AN ANDROID], but he celebrated wildly with [HIS TEAM / THE FANS / HIS HORSES] following confirmation of the title win.
The Premier League title goes along with the other [1 / 2 / 3 / 4] trophies that United have already won this season, and next week they compete in the Champions League final against [INTER / BARCELONA / ANZHI MAKHACHKALA] in [BERLIN / OSLO / TORSHAVN].
Somewhere in Europe, March 11th 2011
Europe has awoken today with the vague knowledge that some games may have taken place in the Europa League last night. Is that even what it’s called these days?
Fans of teams such as… Liverpool? They’re still in it, right? I think they are. Anyway, fans of such teams are rolling their eyes at the fact that they’re in a cup that isn’t the Champions League and yet they seemingly have to make an effort to win games. Who even won it last year? Is that Athletico Madrid or Olympiakos? I know one of those Eastern European teams won it a few years back. I think. The ones that play in orange.
Some teams will now have a mountain to climb in their second leg matches… what, next week? The week after? I guess we’ll know who played from England over the weekend when we see who has their games on Sunday afternoon. Some teams will be feeling confident, and some teams will be level. Yes.
You’re shitting me, Rangers are still in it? Holy fuck.
Bookmakers are thought to have stopped taking bets on a team from Europe winning the trophy in May. May? Maybe April? Definitely not June, that’s too late even in a non world cup year. I bet it’ll be May. They should probably play the final just before the Champions League final, like when they let kids play 5 a side before the playoff final at Wembley. That’ll be nice for them, playing in front of a big crowd on an important day.
The trophy is made of silver, pewter and misplaced hopes and dreams.
Manchester, March 8th 2011
Sir Alex Ferguson has followed up his media ban from the weekend by refusing to talk to his wife.
The Manchester United boss hasn’t spoken to the BBC in several years after they reported on his son’s dealings as an agent, and after the Red Devils 3-1 defeat to Liverpool this weekend he also refused to speak to any other media outlets, presumably whilst turning crimson and grunting under his breath.
Upon his arrival home at the weekend Inside the Sheepskin understands that Sir Alex immediately withdrew to his study where he has remained now for two nights, not even leaving to visit the bathroom. His wife has made repeated requests to speak to him – even trying to tempt him out of the room with his favourite boiled egg and soldiers – but he has bluntly ignored all efforts at contact.
He issued a statement yesterday morning, which was delivered to his wife on the back of a water bill that had been slipped underneath his study door. It is believed to have included the word “cheats” two hundred and thirty seven times. It is thought that Sir Alex will not speak to his wife or any family members again until the FA give Manchester United an additional 20 points in the Premier League for being Manchester United.
Sources close to the club have insisted that everything is fine and that assistant manager Mike Phelan will be fulfilling any marital duties that sir Alex cannot fill during his self-imposed communication ban. Phelan was seen leaving the Ferguson residence this morning with a shopping list and some dry cleaning.
Liverpool, February 22nd 2011
Andy Carroll is due to make his début appearance on Merseyside this week, with a bumper crowd expected to watch him.
The £35 million striker is due to take the stand as the accused on a charge of vandalism after kicking the window of a kebab shop in a fit of rage after ordering the wrong post-night out meal with his new Reds team-mates.
Throngs of Kopites are due to sit in the public gallery at Liverpool Crown Court wearing “Carroll 9” replica shirts and holding their scarves upside down for the cameras as they sing You’ll Never Walk Alone until they are silenced by the clerk of the court.
“He’s already a legend” said one fan, clearly not needing to be at work this afternoon when the news was announced. “He’s already scaring local businesses left right and centre, imagine what he’ll be able to do on the global stage”.
“This time he’s terrorized the Turks” added another supporter. “You can see him doing the same to the Italians, Spanish and Portuguese. I’ve already heard rumours that he kicked off in a Nandos when he realised he had to place his order himself but they calmed him down with free Red Pepper Dip.”
Carroll – according to witness statements – ordered a doner kebab from the independent Gala-Satay-Ray kebab shop in Liverpool City Centre last week but became agitated when he started eating it and claimed he asked for a mixed chicken and lamb shish with extra chilli sauce. He communicated mainly through flicking his hair, pounding his fists and monosyllabic grunts. When he left the shop he smashed the window with one kick from his powerful right hoof before falling over in a pool of urine in the gutter. The police were called shortly after.
If he is found guilty he will break Stan Collymore’s record for quickest conviction as a Liverpool player. Collymore received a fine for importing bizarre animal pornography from an address in Denmark just three months into his spell with the Reds.
It is thought that the court may prefer to let Carroll live with a team-mate (as he did with Kevin Noble at Newcastle), but most of his colleagues are currently inventing stories of visiting family, pregnant partners or not speaking Geordie.
Hoffenheim, 22nd February 2011
Former Liverpool benchwarmer and alleged pacey winger Ryan Babel has made his TSG Hoffenheim début in a mid-season break friendly match via the social networking site Twitter.
During his 65 minute run out Babel sat in the stands at VfL Sindelfangen’s freezing cold stadium, his much-vaunted left thumb ever hanging over the keyboard on his Blackberry. His most telling contribution came after just 11 minutes when he claimed an assist for the opening Hoffenheim goal by tweeting “I totes would have done that too! Great goal. #RyanBabelIsTheGreatest”
It was a focused performance on the Internet by the Dutch international, with him maintaining a tweet rate of one every three minutes in the first half, lengthening out to one every five minutes in the second half as he began to tire. More impressive was the content of his tweets, sticking to the subject of the game over 80% of the time before deviating slightly towards the subjects of Justin Bieber, America’s Next Top Model and True Grit.
A small number of hardcore Hoffenheim fans applauded his performance as he was substituted, retweeting some of his finest moments, adding a further 31 followers to his account.
Babel was replaced by Nigerian striker Chinedu Obasi, who sat on the club coach inviting people to his Spotify playlists and was largely ineffective.