Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Manchester City
Manchester, November 17th 2011
Want-away Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez has missed training again today – but has been hauled in by club staff after they found him “hanging around with a bunch of callow youths” on Oldham High Street, smoking Lambert and Butler cigarettes that one of the girls he was with stole from her mum’s handbag.
A club source told Inside the Sheepskin that Tevez was not happy at being discovered, screaming in a half-Argentinian, half-Mancunian accent that it “wasn’t fair” and that coaches Brian Kidd and David Platt were “always embarrassing him”. He also made a point of shouting loudly that “he won’t need them any more soon”, before softening slightly and begging Platt to buy him a copy of Max Power magazine because it had free stickers with this month’s issue.
When Platt declined to buy the magazine, Tevez started crying. He sat in the back of Platt and Kidd’s vehicle on the way back to the city training ground, with Kidd not even allowing Tevez to watch Family Guy on the in-car DVD player.
It is thought that Tevez is already making steps to weaken his ties to Manchester City though, by starting to date an 18 year old single mother called Tasha, changing the sim card out of his phone for a new one that the club don’t know the number for, and earning extra money by manning the waltzers at a travelling fair.
Manchester, October 24th 2011
Following the astonishing result in yesterdays Manchester derby at Old Trafford, fans of football across England have had to choose the lesser of two evils to decide how they really feel about City’s amazing 6-1 victory.
We polled a cross section of fans this morning and we got the following results:
1: Fans jealous of Manchester City’s awesome spending power: 100%
2: Fans who generally dislike Manchester United: 100%
3: Fans who think that Manchester City’s unbelievable riches is killing the game: 100%
4: Fans who didn’t giggle uncontrollably when hearing the result and scoreline yesterday: 0%
Here are a selection of quotes:
Stephen Gibbons, 37: “As a fan you can’t be proud of how City have spent and spent and spent in order to find some glory. That said, watching Sir Alex seethe from the touchline was marvellous.”
Gary Chambers, 41: “I know they’ve overspent but I wouldn’t care if it was 11 paedophiles out there if it meant a spanking for United.”
Alan Walker, 26: “Yesterday was the happiest day of my life, and I don’t even like football. Just knowing that Rooney and his chums had to feel miserable for a few minutes before climbing into the SUVs and heading home to their mansions was sweet. So sweet.”
United fans have been quick to criticise City for their spending, pointing to United’s many honest bargain signings like Wayne Rooney, Dimitar Berbatov and Phil Jones and their youth team products that were hand-stolen from other academies, as well as their ramshackle little stadium.
City have been celebrating the win today by buying the nation of Liechtenstein.
Manchester, October 12th 2011
Carlos Tevez has returned from his two week exile in his native Argentina bearing gifts for all of the Manchester City supporters that he feels he has let down.
Dragging a large suitcase into Eastlands today with a phalanx of assistants bringing in further carrier bags behind him, Tevez has repeatedly stated that he is “truly sorry for the terrible misunderstanding” regarding him seeming to refuse to enter the field of play during City’s defeat in the Champions League to Bayern Munich. He added that “it is definitely a misunderstanding. I didn’t hear my name being mentioned, and I presumed I was being asked if I would like a cup of bovril. That’s why you can see me shaking my head. It’s all quite simple really.”
Tevez has purchased a large selection of gifts for City supporters to choose from. He has stated that he expects the 400 cigarettes that he brought back as duty-free purchases to go first, with him willing to split the purchase into two separate cartons of 200 cigarettes. It is thought that these are “Benson and Hedges” brand cigarettes.
Further down the pecking order are several hundred Corinthians replica shirts which Tevez claims to “just having had lying around”. They have “Tevez 10” printed on the back and are interestlingly from this season.
Tevez is also offering 2 weeks of advice from Kia Joorabchian to the first 25 fans that request that as their gift, stating that his Iranian handler can advise them in all kinds of matters “relating to trying to get out of working for a living”.
Rounding out the choice of gifts are 1,000 sombreros, 5,000 hand-made straw donkeys and 40,000 tins of corned beef.
The Red Devils have celebrated winning their [INSERT NUMBER] Premier League title with a victory over [INSERT NAME].
United have been [DOMINANT / EFFERVESCENT / POWERFUL] all season, with players like [ROONEY / CHICARITO / MAME BIRAM DIOUF] weighing in with [NUMBER] of goals and [NANI / YOUNG / ANDERSON] catching the eye with [DYNAMIC / PACEY / ELEGANT] performances. Holding everything together was the [INFLUENCE / CAPTAINCY / SEXUAL EXPLOITS] of [38 / 39 / 40 / 41] year-old Ryan Giggs.
The final standings of the league table were never in doubt following [JANUARY / FEBRUARY / MARCH] when United easily beat their nearest rivals [MANCHESTER CITY / CHELSEA / LIVERPOOL]. Despite an early scare in [AUGUST / SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER] with a controversial defeat to [BOLTON / FULHAM / WEST BROMWICH ALBION] that Alex Ferguson blamed on [THE PITCH / THE NEW AWAY KIT / DAVID DE GEA], United survived an injury to [TOM CLEVERLEY’S ANKLE / NEMANJA VIDIC’S KNEE / MIKE PHELAN’S CHIN] to regroup and push forwards with even more intent.
Alex Ferguson has avoided speaking to [SKY / BBC / HIS WIFE] throughout the campaign after accusations of [HIS SON BEING A DODGY AGENT / HIS NOSE BEING THE REDDEST THING ON EARTH / MIKE PHELAN BEING AN ANDROID], but he celebrated wildly with [HIS TEAM / THE FANS / HIS HORSES] following confirmation of the title win.
The Premier League title goes along with the other [1 / 2 / 3 / 4] trophies that United have already won this season, and next week they compete in the Champions League final against [INTER / BARCELONA / ANZHI MAKHACHKALA] in [BERLIN / OSLO / TORSHAVN].
Manchester, March 22nd 2011
Fruitcake Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli has increased the controversy around his troubled first season in England by holding an impromptu press conference at Eastlands and seemingly being possessed by batshit-insane actor Charlie Sheen.
Balotelli stood for the entire press conference, chain smoking and wearing nothing but a undersized pair of burgundy velour y-fronts. He referred to manager Roberto Mancini as “the floppy haired Antichrist” and called his team-mates “a collection of losers and morons that have been flipped by a spatula from the greasy wok of life.”
When quizzed about his red card in the Europa League last week he referred to his “tigerblood”. He then paused to crumble up a packet of “Refreshers” sweets and snorted the rainbow coloured powder off the back of his hand whilst screaming “the fizz! The fizz! I am at one with the mother spirit! Suckle at my rubbery teat!”
Inside the Sheepskin understands that Balotelli has moved in with three women – a page three girl from Liverpool, a female professional wrestler only known as “Miss Destructo” and a midget. They apparently sleep together in a jacuzzi filled with blancmange.
When asked about his plans for the rest of the season, Balotelli merely said the word “winning” 43 times before urinating onto a Manchester City shirt that he had lit ablaze.
Roberto Mancini has dismissed Balotelli’s behaviour as “him just settling in”.
Manchester, February 27th 2011
The parents of Mark Hughes and Roberto Mancini had to be called to Eastlands this afternoon after the warring managers were involved in an unsavoury spat after the final whistle of the 1-1 draw between Manchester City and Fulham.
After an ill-tempered handshake between the two bosses, words were exchanged in the tunnel on the way back to the dressing room.
It is thought that Hughes called Mancini “a scarf-wearing pretty boy with girl hair” before Mancini slapped him around the ear and kicked him in the shin. Stewards managed to split them up before briefly before Hughes broke through them and thrust his knee into the groin of Mancini, before bending the Italian’s fingers back until he screamed.
Mancini did manage to stop this onslaught by stamping on the toes of Hughes before throttling the Welshman with his trademark pale blue and white scarf. He then pulled out a handful of his hair and hit him with a “tango slap” – two cupped hands clapped together over Hughes’ ears. It is often thought that this can cause victims to go deaf, but Hughes seems to be showing no ill effects.
With the Fulham boss on the floor, it is thought that Mancini started on his way back to his dressing room when he was confronted by Fulham assistant manager Mark Bowen. As he distracted Mancini, Hughes crawled behind the Italian on all fours and when he was in place, Bowen pushed him over. With Mancini on the floor, Bowen held him down by kneeling on his shoulders and Hughes gave him an extra-hard Chinese burn.
Unofficial reports coming out of the City of Manchester Stadium state that Hughes even spat on his hands first to make sure that the Chinese burn was extra intense.
Both sets of parents are said to be “very disappointed” in the behaviour of their sons, with Mancini’s mother Irene stating that although her son came off worse, he is “just as bad as the other one”.