Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Manchester United
Manchester, November 3rd 2011
When Edwin Van der Sar retired, Manchester United fans knew two things: Firstly, that they could be grateful that he spent the best years of his career keeping goal for them, winning countless trophies and deserving all the praise that came his way – just like Peter Schmeichel indirectly before him.
Secondly, they also knew that it would mean that they would have to suffer through at least six terrible goalkeepers before they find another talented one. An initial case in point is that of David De Gea – half wolf, half ape – who appears to be as frightened of catching a football as a 7 year old girl on a freezing cold day with no mittens for protection. And eczema.
A United fan’s spokesman said yesterday that “we loved Edwin and wanted him to play till he was 50. Not just because he was a decent keeper, but because we knew we’d have to suffer through more clowns like Barthez, Taibi, Foster, Kusczak and Van Der Gouw before we’d have a keeper that couldn’t be nutmegged by a semi-trained goat from 40 yards”.
It is thought that this jinx on goalkeepers started with Jim Leighton owing a gambling debt to some travelling gypsies in the late 1980s. He refused to pay up after a bareknuckle boxing match between legendary “Big Danny” O’Halloran and former Red Devils full-back Clayton Blackmore (held in a disused mine near Wrexham) went awry. The travellers then put a curse on Leighton and all subsequent goalkeepers at Old Trafford. An exorcism in 1991 meant that it was partially cleared and the occasional goalkeeper succeeded, but most will fail.
Sir Alex Ferguson is expected to tire of De Gea during the transfer window. His next goalkeeping signings before a decent one arrives will be error-strewn Blackpool keeper Paul Rachubka, Robert Green, Bruce Grobelaar and a child wearing giant John Cena WWE foam hands.
Manchester, October 24th 2011
Following the astonishing result in yesterdays Manchester derby at Old Trafford, fans of football across England have had to choose the lesser of two evils to decide how they really feel about City’s amazing 6-1 victory.
We polled a cross section of fans this morning and we got the following results:
1: Fans jealous of Manchester City’s awesome spending power: 100%
2: Fans who generally dislike Manchester United: 100%
3: Fans who think that Manchester City’s unbelievable riches is killing the game: 100%
4: Fans who didn’t giggle uncontrollably when hearing the result and scoreline yesterday: 0%
Here are a selection of quotes:
Stephen Gibbons, 37: “As a fan you can’t be proud of how City have spent and spent and spent in order to find some glory. That said, watching Sir Alex seethe from the touchline was marvellous.”
Gary Chambers, 41: “I know they’ve overspent but I wouldn’t care if it was 11 paedophiles out there if it meant a spanking for United.”
Alan Walker, 26: “Yesterday was the happiest day of my life, and I don’t even like football. Just knowing that Rooney and his chums had to feel miserable for a few minutes before climbing into the SUVs and heading home to their mansions was sweet. So sweet.”
United fans have been quick to criticise City for their spending, pointing to United’s many honest bargain signings like Wayne Rooney, Dimitar Berbatov and Phil Jones and their youth team products that were hand-stolen from other academies, as well as their ramshackle little stadium.
City have been celebrating the win today by buying the nation of Liechtenstein.
Nottingham, September 21st 2011
Following a press conference today to discuss his side’s poor start to the season, Nottingham Forest manager Steve McLaren has demonstrated some kind of twisted mashed-up accent that nobody attending could understand.
Originally boasting a broad Yorkshire accent during his playing career, 50 year old McLaren has now tried to adopt so many different accents that he seems to be speaking in some kind of childish gibberish, half The Clangers and half Stoppit and Tidyup.
During his successful spell as Manchester United coach, McLaren tried to demonstrate an affinity to the Old Trafford faithful by putting on a slight Salford twang during any interviews he had in place of Sir Alex Ferguson. After taking the helm at Middlesbrough he added a smog-addled North-East accent, before trying to make his accent as England manager a mixture of all these things sprinkled with some cockney for “broad national appeal”.
His Dutch accent whilst at FC Twente is now the stuff of legend, but very few fans will have heard his German accent whilst at Wolfsburg – described by one pundit as “like a cast member of Allo Allo“. Now he seems to be struggling with the East Midlands accent, with the only words recognisable during his press conference being the thirteen times that he said “me duck”.
Whilst known for his often futuristic coaching methods – using psychologists and videos, for example – his accent may to be blame for the terrible start to the Championship season that Forest have experienced. It is thought that he tried to ask his players to play “free flow, attacking football” for their weekend defeat at home to Derby County, but that came out through his myriad of accents as “just sit back and let the sheep beat you with ten men”.
The Red Devils have celebrated winning their [INSERT NUMBER] Premier League title with a victory over [INSERT NAME].
United have been [DOMINANT / EFFERVESCENT / POWERFUL] all season, with players like [ROONEY / CHICARITO / MAME BIRAM DIOUF] weighing in with [NUMBER] of goals and [NANI / YOUNG / ANDERSON] catching the eye with [DYNAMIC / PACEY / ELEGANT] performances. Holding everything together was the [INFLUENCE / CAPTAINCY / SEXUAL EXPLOITS] of [38 / 39 / 40 / 41] year-old Ryan Giggs.
The final standings of the league table were never in doubt following [JANUARY / FEBRUARY / MARCH] when United easily beat their nearest rivals [MANCHESTER CITY / CHELSEA / LIVERPOOL]. Despite an early scare in [AUGUST / SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER] with a controversial defeat to [BOLTON / FULHAM / WEST BROMWICH ALBION] that Alex Ferguson blamed on [THE PITCH / THE NEW AWAY KIT / DAVID DE GEA], United survived an injury to [TOM CLEVERLEY’S ANKLE / NEMANJA VIDIC’S KNEE / MIKE PHELAN’S CHIN] to regroup and push forwards with even more intent.
Alex Ferguson has avoided speaking to [SKY / BBC / HIS WIFE] throughout the campaign after accusations of [HIS SON BEING A DODGY AGENT / HIS NOSE BEING THE REDDEST THING ON EARTH / MIKE PHELAN BEING AN ANDROID], but he celebrated wildly with [HIS TEAM / THE FANS / HIS HORSES] following confirmation of the title win.
The Premier League title goes along with the other [1 / 2 / 3 / 4] trophies that United have already won this season, and next week they compete in the Champions League final against [INTER / BARCELONA / ANZHI MAKHACHKALA] in [BERLIN / OSLO / TORSHAVN].
Manchester, 24th May 2011
With Manchester United and Wales star Ryan Giggs being “outed” in Parliament as the footballer behind the mysterious superinjunction, the player has now turned to denying the blatantly obvious in order to try and distract attention away from his infidelities.
Speaking through his agent, Giggs issued a statement where he categorically denied ever having an affair with former Big Brother contestant and professional hussy Imogen Thomas.
“It has come to my attention that every single journalist in the English speaking world is under the impression that I have cheated on my beloved wife, despite being a incredibly committed family man who would never do such a thing. Also, it seems around 75,000 users of the Twitter website are mistakenly stating that I have cheated on my wife through a series of jokes, many of which make a parallel between the words “imagine” and “Imogen”.
It seemed that the player’s agent stifled a laugh at this point, before continuing.
“My I say that nobody can prove in any way that I have had any form of affair. Like all Manchester United players, I am committed to being a strict family man, never in any way playing off my millionaire playboy lifestyle to attract women that I could only dream of if I had a regular job. These rumours are completely unfounded. I have never even met Miss Thomas, and have only ever had sexual intercourse with my wife in order to create our beautiful children.”
“Furthermore, the internet is a filthy place that is filled with lies and inaccuracies. I have read several things on there that are completely untrue. Firstly I saw something called “Global Warming” which is a complete lie. If the world is getting warmer then why did it snow last Christmas? I saw that with my own eyes. I’m willing to bet that all of those Twitter users saw that as well.”
“Also, I read about something called “the holocaust” where millions of Jews were allegedly killed by the Nazis during World War Two. Having read texts by various authors including David Icke, I have determined that this is also a complete fabrication. I know of at least two Jewish people in Manchester, so the holocaust could never have happened. My theory is that all the Jews in Germany, Poland and so on all went on a big holiday together, probably in Bali.”
Reporters tried to contact Giggs following the statement as he left training. His response was to cover his ears and say “lalalalalalalalalalala if I can’t hear it it isn’t true.”
London, April 17th 2011
Following the traffic chaos that affected London over the weekend, Manchester United fans had their misery compounded when some of them had to endure journeys of up to 30 minutes to get home from Wembley following their 1-0 reverse to rivals Manchester City.
With the M1 closed from junctions 1 to 4, extra pressure was put on transport systems in London and many residents of the capital decided to not leave the city. This meant much more congestion on the tube and extra irritation for United fans trying to get home in time for tea following their deserved defeat.
Some fans were incredulous with rage after being forced to wait for public transport for over 8 minutes at Wembley Park tube station. To fill the time it is thought the United fans invented stories of how their relations were actually from Manchester, telling such stories in fake northern accents so bad that they wouldn’t be out of place in a Tesco Mobile advert.
London, April 8th 2011
At a special press conference called today to announce his new job as a pundit for Sky TV, Gary Neville insisted that he would be showing no bias, but would “redress the balance” of pundits on BBC’s Match of the Day by having his own campaign of “anti scouse warfare”.
Citing the opinions of ex Koppites Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrensen as the kinds that he would like to avoid, he made a point of saying that “I will not be biased towards Manchester United in any way. I will merely be biased against every other team in the world, paying special attention to those filthy scouse bastards from down the M62, whose name I cannot even bring myself to say.”
Pausing between questions to read a copy of The Sun newspaper and to adjust his specially designed “Fuck You Scouse Cunts’ t-shirt, he added that “many people will presume that I will pay special attention to my former – and only – club, the mighty Manchester United. Please do not think this. I will give a balanced and accurate view of all the smaller and more insignificant teams as well as the greatest team on the planet.”
He smiled before adding “except those fucking dirty scousers, subhuman little guttersnipes that they are.”
When asked if he would court controversy like sacked pundits Richard Keys and Andy Gray, he stated that “I have no opinion on women to be honest. I only have an opinion on Manchester United, their football, their legacy and the best way to thump a ball into row z whilst getting paid £70,000 per week to do so.”
Sky have unveiled Neville as their “ultimate weapon”, stating that he is exactly as “biased as Hansen, creepy as Lawrensen and bland as Shearer, but with the ability to grow a mustache that makes him look like the remedial kid in every school that had a motorbike at 15 but couldn’t read.”
Manchester, April 7th 2011
Wayne Rooney has issued a statement this afternoon to make the press aware that he will be appealing against his wife Colleen’s choice of dinner for this evening.
A representative for Rooney issued the following statement:
“Wayne has decided, upon consulting his agent and Alex Ferguson, that he is to appeal against his wife and her choice of dinner for this evening. Wayne is deeply unhappy at the choice that Colleen made upon her weekly visit to Asda yesterday. He had repeatedly stated what he would have liked for dinner tonight and this was ignored. Therefore he cannot sit idly by and allow Colleen to choose the contents of tonight’s meal.
Wayne has made his feelings known several times about vegetables. With the exception of corn on the cob from KFC he does not eat any vegetables, no matter how much Colleen may insist that they are good for him. For Colleen to choose a microwaveable medley of vegetables is an insult to Wayne, especially as this medley contains carrots, his absolute least favourite type of food.
This decision is made even worse with the choice of lasagne to accompany the vegetables. Wayne has repeatedly stated that he does not like lasagne as it is too foreign. Wayne has very specific dietary requirements and is left with no choice to appeal these decisions.”
It is thought that the appeal will take place in the kitchen of the Rooney residence later on today. Rooney is expected to calmly appeal at first, and then scream and roll around on the floor kicking his legs and beating his fists until his wife relents.
Rooney is suspected to want his “favourite tea” tonight of turkey drummers, super noodles and baked beans with a fab for dessert.
Cardiff, March 28th 2011
Gary Speed has likened starlet Gareth Bale to Manchester United and Wales legend Ryan Giggs in a press conference this afternoon. Bale may be absent from the Wales squad due to an injury but he is still on the mind of Speed.
“Bale is a tremendous talent. He reminds me of Ryan Giggs on so many levels: Great pace, maturity beyond his years, an amazing left foot and the ability to have a hamstring injury whenever the national team is playing” said the new Wales boss.
Giggs is the all time Manchester United record holder but only appeared 64 times in a Wales career that stretched over 16 years. Speed said of his former team-mate that he was a joy to behold in training: “He would astonish us all with the excuses he would come up with to avoid a Wednesday night trip to Budapest. if our physio ever gave his hamstring the all clear he would find another way. I think he attended the funerals of around 17 different grandparents over the years.”
Speed also spoke of his admiration for Giggs’ recovering abilities. “I don’t think he ever missed a Manchester United game after international duty, so that hamstring must be almost superhuman. You’ve got to hand it to Giggsy, he’s at the top of his game one minute, then virtually crippled to avoid a game against Azerbaijan, then right at the top of his game again. I think Gareth Bale is already learning a lot from him.”
Inside The Sheepskin tried to speak to Bale today but upon calling Tottenham’s training ground Harry Redknapp answered and told us that in addition to his hamstring strain Bale had got a “dicky tummy and was at home in bed and definitely not at training right now, no.”
London, March 16th 2011
With Rio Ferdinand reportedly unhappy with Fabio Capello for considering a return to John Terry as England captain, sources close to the Manchester United defender have said that he has issued a challenge to the Chelsea star for a wrestling match.
With England next playing at the end of the month, it is thought that the two will clash after a training session, as the remaining players stand watch and form an impromptu ring around the two combatants. Only the side square – Jermain Defoe – wants no part of this, saying that he’ll tell if anyone forces him to watch.
Despite being injured at the moment Ferdinand has been practising piledrivers and suplexes on his bedroom pillows, moonsaults on a bouncy castle that he has hired and applying figure four leglocks to anyone that will sit still for long enough.
“Rio is psyched” said team mate Michael Carrick. “He’s been watching Bret Hart videos on YouTube and has even designed his own outfit. This is a grudge match. It’s on.”
Sources close to John Terry have hinted that he may take a more dirty approach in the fight, with him growing his nails and resorting to kneeing colleagues in the groin when they aren’t expecting under the guise of “warming up for Rio.” Terry has not ruled out bringing a weapon to the match with him as “insurance” – such as a metal folding chair, baseball bat or salt to throw in Ferdinand’s eyes.
Both men are said to be training hard for the clash, with Ferdinand saying that he’s training so hard that he unfortunately can’t bring himself to urinate for any drugs tests that might occur during the build-up.