Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Newcastle United
London, 10th November 2011
West Ham United have decided to follow the lead of Newcastle United and rename their stadium to showcase the corporate opportunities at the club.
Newcastle have renamed their St James’ Park stadium as the “Sports Direct Arena” – the business of their owner Mike Ashley – in a move that has been thought to generate exactly no money and a rather large amount of irritation for the no-coat wearing Geordie masses.
One supported said “haway, they’ll be renaming the Blaydon Races the 10-poond pair of Lonsdale trainers races next.”
West Ham are likely to be just the first of many clubs to follow the lead of the so-called North East’s “Giants” in taking a similar step to rename an historic ground after the business of their owners. David Gold and David Sullivan have ploughed a lot of their cash into the club since they took over and the new name for the old Boleyn Ground is thought to be the “Ann Summers Budget Wankmag Arena”.
It is already rumoured that other clubs are getting ready to follow suit and take on the names of their money-donor owner’s firms:
Everton: The Willy Russell’s “Blood Brothers” Emporium
Blackburn Rovers: The Venky’s Yum Yum Yummy Yum Yum Chicken Stadium
Fulham: The Harrods THE QUEEN KILLED MY SON Arena
Whilst the rest of the country can see the inherent hilarity of the new Newcastle United stadium name, fans in the city actually seem to think that it’s a bit of a compliment, as every family in the North East spends over a quarter of their annual income in Sports Direct shops on Donnay t-shirts, Head golf clubs and five year old tracksuit pants.
London, 25th April 2011
Arsene Wenger has been rushed to hospital after choking spectacularly at his London home.
The Arsenal boss was sitting watching television earlier this afternoon when he attempted to eat a Werther’s Original. After approximately four minutes of sucking the butterscotch sweet, he moved suddenly to swat a fly and the confectionery became lodged in his throat. His wife is thought to have administered several sharp blows to his back in order to get him to stop choking, but it seems that only made him worse.
A hospital spokesperson said that Wenger is “in a stable but choking condition” and added that the Frenchman “has a long history of choking, so is as comfortable with the situation as can be.”
In the past Wenger has choked upon broccoli, a cheese sandwich and every football season since 2005.
The ward where he is being treated has played host to many choking victims in the past: Mama Cass, Tennessee Williams and the 1995-96 Newcastle United side.
Newcastle, March 22nd 2011
Whilst Leon Best and Stephen Ireland have apologised to Newcastle United supporters for their night out prior to their teammates being beaten 4-0 by Stoke City at the weekend, further controversy is now likely as more scandal from their evening has emerged.
The first issue is down to their alcohol intake – or lack of it. A NUFC supporters club representative has stated that he was “appalled” at the fact that they only had one drink each, and that drink was thought to be a mere bottle of Budweiser. He added “if they want to play for the Toon they should be drinking 8 bottle of Brown per bar, and gannin’ to at least 10 bars a night. Soft southern bastards.”
The venue of their evening has also been criticised. Instead of choosing either a garish, loud nightclub filled to the brim with scantily clad girls or a dank, dusty pub full of flat-cap and Toon shirt wearing men; It has now been revealed that the two players instead opted for a quiet wine bar and pretty much kept themselves to themselves. The NUFC supporters club have said that this is “a massive slap in the face”.
Our contact saved most of his disgust for the final bit of news though. We showed him CCTV footage of the two players leaving the club and he was visibly sickened by what he saw. He retched and heaved as it became obvious that the two men had committed the most heinous crime that a man can in the North East: Wearing coats.
“They’re dead to us now, man” said our contact. “That is the worst thing… I’m ganna hurl again.”
Best and Ireland are expected to receive death threats in the coming weeks, written on the back of “North Face” catalogues.