Inside The Sheepskin

Football news, rumours and lies.

Tag Archives: QPR

John Terry Denies Racism, Admits Being Utter Cunt

Thinking about punching a child

London, October 24th 2011

Following controversy during Chelsea’s 1-0 defeat at QPR yesterday, John Terry has made great effort to utterly refute any suggestion of him using racist language towards Rangers defender Anton Ferdinand or anybody else – while cheerfully admitting that he is a complete and utter cunt of the highest order.

“I cannot think of anything worse than using racist language” said the Blues captain this morning at Chelsea’s training complex.  He then added that “I am happy to report that I am still a total prick who will – away from any bigoted behaviour towards anyone ethnically different to myself – happily steal your Mrs, drive whilst drunk, abuse a referee and clothesline an old lady from her mobility scooter.”

Terry then left the press conference to attend a Kick Racism Out of Football special event where he posed for photographs with youngsters, before hitting on an attractive female PR representative – even though she insisted that she wasn’t interested.

He was then seen leaving the event after scraping his keys down the side of her car.

Neil Warnock Kills 4, Injures 12, Blames Referee

A ref is about to get it

London, March 20th 2011

Outspoken QPR manager Neil Warnock has been released on police bail following a series of incidents in London that he blamed on referee Phil Gibbs.

Gibbs was in charge of QPR’s 1-0 victory at Doncaster Rovers on Saturday but it is now clear that Warnock found several of his decisions somewhat contentious.  Warnock was arrested this morning at his residence in West London by armed police, and was heard screaming Gibbs’ name as he was bundled into a police van with his hands cuffed behind his back.

It is alleged that Warnock deliberately drove his BMW X5 SUV into a crowd that had gathered outside a bar in Putney at around 11pm on Saturday, killing two men and injuring another six people, two of them seriously.  He then backed his vehicle out, injuring a street pastor that came to survey the damage and offer assistance.

Despite having a badly damaged front axle, smashed windscreen and punctured tyres Warnock then drove another half a mile in his stricken vehicle before smashing it into a phone box, killing the user of the telephone instantly.  He then abandoned his vehicle, setting fire to the seats as he left.  The car eventually exploded, causing significant damage to the street and houses on it.

Swigging from a bottle of brandy, Warnock then shuffled towards  a nearby petrol station.  It is thought that the night cashier desperately tried to call for help as he spied Warnock pouring brandy around a petrol pump and then lighting the mixture of alcohol and spilled fuel with the dog-end of a large Cuban cigar.  As the forecourt exploded the cashier was killed, and two bystanders – out late buying bread, mars bars and pot noodles – were hurt.

Further bystanders tried to subdue Warnock but he injured a further three by lashing out with his powerful elbows.  He then stole a nearby car and made his escape until his arrest this morning.

Warnock’s lawyer has issued a statement from the embattled coach, saying that “Neil categorically denies any offences that he is accused of or members of the public may have seen him doing.  Or that CCTV may have captured him doing.  This is clearly a conspiracy from the Football Association who are defending the dreadful refereeing of Mr Phil Gibbs.  My client holds Mr Gibbs 100% accountable for his actions and is certain that the FA and the police will agree.”

It is thought that Warnock will somehow manage to have a midfield hatchet man injure 4 of the jury at his trial, ensuring that he remains free to offend again.