Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Robert Green
Manchester, November 3rd 2011
When Edwin Van der Sar retired, Manchester United fans knew two things: Firstly, that they could be grateful that he spent the best years of his career keeping goal for them, winning countless trophies and deserving all the praise that came his way – just like Peter Schmeichel indirectly before him.
Secondly, they also knew that it would mean that they would have to suffer through at least six terrible goalkeepers before they find another talented one. An initial case in point is that of David De Gea – half wolf, half ape – who appears to be as frightened of catching a football as a 7 year old girl on a freezing cold day with no mittens for protection. And eczema.
A United fan’s spokesman said yesterday that “we loved Edwin and wanted him to play till he was 50. Not just because he was a decent keeper, but because we knew we’d have to suffer through more clowns like Barthez, Taibi, Foster, Kusczak and Van Der Gouw before we’d have a keeper that couldn’t be nutmegged by a semi-trained goat from 40 yards”.
It is thought that this jinx on goalkeepers started with Jim Leighton owing a gambling debt to some travelling gypsies in the late 1980s. He refused to pay up after a bareknuckle boxing match between legendary “Big Danny” O’Halloran and former Red Devils full-back Clayton Blackmore (held in a disused mine near Wrexham) went awry. The travellers then put a curse on Leighton and all subsequent goalkeepers at Old Trafford. An exorcism in 1991 meant that it was partially cleared and the occasional goalkeeper succeeded, but most will fail.
Sir Alex Ferguson is expected to tire of De Gea during the transfer window. His next goalkeeping signings before a decent one arrives will be error-strewn Blackpool keeper Paul Rachubka, Robert Green, Bruce Grobelaar and a child wearing giant John Cena WWE foam hands.
London, 6th October 2011
With England goalkeeper David Stockdale suffering an injury in training yesterday, it has now emerged that you are the third choice keeper for the Euro 2012 qualifier in Montenegro on Friday evening.
Joe Hart remains a lock-in for the number one shirt with Turkey-based Scott Carson his perpetual number two. With recent call-ups England boss Fabio Capello has turned to Stockdale, Frank Fielding, Chris Weale, Andy Lonergan, Kevin Poole and John Burridge, and it is now your turn to clumsily don your gloves.
Whilst the press have poured criticism on Capello’s choice to call you up to the squad – citing amongst other things a lack of experience, your diminutive stature and the fact that your goalkeeping gloves are woollen mittens – you are thought to be excited at the possibility of gaining your first cap for your country. A sell-out crowd will watch and wait to see if you manage to make it onto the pitch by some quirk of fate and demonstrate to amazingly awkward car-crash netminding.
When asked about his selection of you at a press conference this morning, Capello was quick to defend his choice – claiming that you are “definitely English, and definitely not Robert Green”.