Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Roberto Mancini
Manchester, March 22nd 2011
Fruitcake Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli has increased the controversy around his troubled first season in England by holding an impromptu press conference at Eastlands and seemingly being possessed by batshit-insane actor Charlie Sheen.
Balotelli stood for the entire press conference, chain smoking and wearing nothing but a undersized pair of burgundy velour y-fronts. He referred to manager Roberto Mancini as “the floppy haired Antichrist” and called his team-mates “a collection of losers and morons that have been flipped by a spatula from the greasy wok of life.”
When quizzed about his red card in the Europa League last week he referred to his “tigerblood”. He then paused to crumble up a packet of “Refreshers” sweets and snorted the rainbow coloured powder off the back of his hand whilst screaming “the fizz! The fizz! I am at one with the mother spirit! Suckle at my rubbery teat!”
Inside the Sheepskin understands that Balotelli has moved in with three women – a page three girl from Liverpool, a female professional wrestler only known as “Miss Destructo” and a midget. They apparently sleep together in a jacuzzi filled with blancmange.
When asked about his plans for the rest of the season, Balotelli merely said the word “winning” 43 times before urinating onto a Manchester City shirt that he had lit ablaze.
Roberto Mancini has dismissed Balotelli’s behaviour as “him just settling in”.
Manchester, February 27th 2011
The parents of Mark Hughes and Roberto Mancini had to be called to Eastlands this afternoon after the warring managers were involved in an unsavoury spat after the final whistle of the 1-1 draw between Manchester City and Fulham.
After an ill-tempered handshake between the two bosses, words were exchanged in the tunnel on the way back to the dressing room.
It is thought that Hughes called Mancini “a scarf-wearing pretty boy with girl hair” before Mancini slapped him around the ear and kicked him in the shin. Stewards managed to split them up before briefly before Hughes broke through them and thrust his knee into the groin of Mancini, before bending the Italian’s fingers back until he screamed.
Mancini did manage to stop this onslaught by stamping on the toes of Hughes before throttling the Welshman with his trademark pale blue and white scarf. He then pulled out a handful of his hair and hit him with a “tango slap” – two cupped hands clapped together over Hughes’ ears. It is often thought that this can cause victims to go deaf, but Hughes seems to be showing no ill effects.
With the Fulham boss on the floor, it is thought that Mancini started on his way back to his dressing room when he was confronted by Fulham assistant manager Mark Bowen. As he distracted Mancini, Hughes crawled behind the Italian on all fours and when he was in place, Bowen pushed him over. With Mancini on the floor, Bowen held him down by kneeling on his shoulders and Hughes gave him an extra-hard Chinese burn.
Unofficial reports coming out of the City of Manchester Stadium state that Hughes even spat on his hands first to make sure that the Chinese burn was extra intense.
Both sets of parents are said to be “very disappointed” in the behaviour of their sons, with Mancini’s mother Irene stating that although her son came off worse, he is “just as bad as the other one”.