Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Ryan Giggs
The Red Devils have celebrated winning their [INSERT NUMBER] Premier League title with a victory over [INSERT NAME].
United have been [DOMINANT / EFFERVESCENT / POWERFUL] all season, with players like [ROONEY / CHICARITO / MAME BIRAM DIOUF] weighing in with [NUMBER] of goals and [NANI / YOUNG / ANDERSON] catching the eye with [DYNAMIC / PACEY / ELEGANT] performances. Holding everything together was the [INFLUENCE / CAPTAINCY / SEXUAL EXPLOITS] of [38 / 39 / 40 / 41] year-old Ryan Giggs.
The final standings of the league table were never in doubt following [JANUARY / FEBRUARY / MARCH] when United easily beat their nearest rivals [MANCHESTER CITY / CHELSEA / LIVERPOOL]. Despite an early scare in [AUGUST / SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER] with a controversial defeat to [BOLTON / FULHAM / WEST BROMWICH ALBION] that Alex Ferguson blamed on [THE PITCH / THE NEW AWAY KIT / DAVID DE GEA], United survived an injury to [TOM CLEVERLEY’S ANKLE / NEMANJA VIDIC’S KNEE / MIKE PHELAN’S CHIN] to regroup and push forwards with even more intent.
Alex Ferguson has avoided speaking to [SKY / BBC / HIS WIFE] throughout the campaign after accusations of [HIS SON BEING A DODGY AGENT / HIS NOSE BEING THE REDDEST THING ON EARTH / MIKE PHELAN BEING AN ANDROID], but he celebrated wildly with [HIS TEAM / THE FANS / HIS HORSES] following confirmation of the title win.
The Premier League title goes along with the other [1 / 2 / 3 / 4] trophies that United have already won this season, and next week they compete in the Champions League final against [INTER / BARCELONA / ANZHI MAKHACHKALA] in [BERLIN / OSLO / TORSHAVN].
Carlisle, June 7th 2011
Inside the Sheepskin has managed to secure an interview with the only woman in the United Kingdom that disgraced Manchester United winger Ryan Giggs hasn’t had sex with at any point over the last two decades.
Spinster Muriel Whitbread, 76, has lived alone in a small cottage near Carlisle since the death of her sister 4 years ago. The only company that she has nowadays is her dog Reggie and a few scrawny looking chickens. When we asked her if she had ever had sex with the Red Devil’s lothario, she shook her head and laughed. “Ryan Giggs? No way. I turned him down when he knocked at my door six years ago, and I’d turn him down now. Not a fan of his chest hair.”
When pressed, Muriel revealed that Giggs did try and tempt her into bed on that rainy night six years back. “He knocked on the door at about 9pm and it was pouring down. He looked like a drowned rat. Someone in the town must have told him that I like my licorice, because he bought me a big bag of loose Allsorts. He had some kind of list, and said that he was going door to door all around the country trying to have sex with every woman in the country.”
We asked Muriel why she turned him down and she told us that “my only love was Gordon Chambers, the butcher who lived in town, but he got married to some floozy in 1966. Since then I’ve just needed the company of Reggie and my chickens. I’m not breaking my vow of celibacy just because some fancy-dan footballer shows up at my door with some cheap sweets reeking of Old Spice.”
We concluded the interview by asking Muriel – surrounded by old newspapers, tin cans and spent batteries – how the situation ended. She smiled before giving us her touching, honest answer.
“I may have said no, but our Dolly was still alive and living with me then. When I turned Giggs down he smashed straight into her, doggy-style, over the hearth. Took ages to get her grubby fingerprints off of it.”
Manchester, 24th May 2011
With Manchester United and Wales star Ryan Giggs being “outed” in Parliament as the footballer behind the mysterious superinjunction, the player has now turned to denying the blatantly obvious in order to try and distract attention away from his infidelities.
Speaking through his agent, Giggs issued a statement where he categorically denied ever having an affair with former Big Brother contestant and professional hussy Imogen Thomas.
“It has come to my attention that every single journalist in the English speaking world is under the impression that I have cheated on my beloved wife, despite being a incredibly committed family man who would never do such a thing. Also, it seems around 75,000 users of the Twitter website are mistakenly stating that I have cheated on my wife through a series of jokes, many of which make a parallel between the words “imagine” and “Imogen”.
It seemed that the player’s agent stifled a laugh at this point, before continuing.
“My I say that nobody can prove in any way that I have had any form of affair. Like all Manchester United players, I am committed to being a strict family man, never in any way playing off my millionaire playboy lifestyle to attract women that I could only dream of if I had a regular job. These rumours are completely unfounded. I have never even met Miss Thomas, and have only ever had sexual intercourse with my wife in order to create our beautiful children.”
“Furthermore, the internet is a filthy place that is filled with lies and inaccuracies. I have read several things on there that are completely untrue. Firstly I saw something called “Global Warming” which is a complete lie. If the world is getting warmer then why did it snow last Christmas? I saw that with my own eyes. I’m willing to bet that all of those Twitter users saw that as well.”
“Also, I read about something called “the holocaust” where millions of Jews were allegedly killed by the Nazis during World War Two. Having read texts by various authors including David Icke, I have determined that this is also a complete fabrication. I know of at least two Jewish people in Manchester, so the holocaust could never have happened. My theory is that all the Jews in Germany, Poland and so on all went on a big holiday together, probably in Bali.”
Reporters tried to contact Giggs following the statement as he left training. His response was to cover his ears and say “lalalalalalalalalalala if I can’t hear it it isn’t true.”
Cardiff, March 28th 2011
Gary Speed has likened starlet Gareth Bale to Manchester United and Wales legend Ryan Giggs in a press conference this afternoon. Bale may be absent from the Wales squad due to an injury but he is still on the mind of Speed.
“Bale is a tremendous talent. He reminds me of Ryan Giggs on so many levels: Great pace, maturity beyond his years, an amazing left foot and the ability to have a hamstring injury whenever the national team is playing” said the new Wales boss.
Giggs is the all time Manchester United record holder but only appeared 64 times in a Wales career that stretched over 16 years. Speed said of his former team-mate that he was a joy to behold in training: “He would astonish us all with the excuses he would come up with to avoid a Wednesday night trip to Budapest. if our physio ever gave his hamstring the all clear he would find another way. I think he attended the funerals of around 17 different grandparents over the years.”
Speed also spoke of his admiration for Giggs’ recovering abilities. “I don’t think he ever missed a Manchester United game after international duty, so that hamstring must be almost superhuman. You’ve got to hand it to Giggsy, he’s at the top of his game one minute, then virtually crippled to avoid a game against Azerbaijan, then right at the top of his game again. I think Gareth Bale is already learning a lot from him.”
Inside The Sheepskin tried to speak to Bale today but upon calling Tottenham’s training ground Harry Redknapp answered and told us that in addition to his hamstring strain Bale had got a “dicky tummy and was at home in bed and definitely not at training right now, no.”