Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Sir Alex Ferguson
Nottingham, September 21st 2011
Following a press conference today to discuss his side’s poor start to the season, Nottingham Forest manager Steve McLaren has demonstrated some kind of twisted mashed-up accent that nobody attending could understand.
Originally boasting a broad Yorkshire accent during his playing career, 50 year old McLaren has now tried to adopt so many different accents that he seems to be speaking in some kind of childish gibberish, half The Clangers and half Stoppit and Tidyup.
During his successful spell as Manchester United coach, McLaren tried to demonstrate an affinity to the Old Trafford faithful by putting on a slight Salford twang during any interviews he had in place of Sir Alex Ferguson. After taking the helm at Middlesbrough he added a smog-addled North-East accent, before trying to make his accent as England manager a mixture of all these things sprinkled with some cockney for “broad national appeal”.
His Dutch accent whilst at FC Twente is now the stuff of legend, but very few fans will have heard his German accent whilst at Wolfsburg – described by one pundit as “like a cast member of Allo Allo“. Now he seems to be struggling with the East Midlands accent, with the only words recognisable during his press conference being the thirteen times that he said “me duck”.
Whilst known for his often futuristic coaching methods – using psychologists and videos, for example – his accent may to be blame for the terrible start to the Championship season that Forest have experienced. It is thought that he tried to ask his players to play “free flow, attacking football” for their weekend defeat at home to Derby County, but that came out through his myriad of accents as “just sit back and let the sheep beat you with ten men”.
The Red Devils have celebrated winning their [INSERT NUMBER] Premier League title with a victory over [INSERT NAME].
United have been [DOMINANT / EFFERVESCENT / POWERFUL] all season, with players like [ROONEY / CHICARITO / MAME BIRAM DIOUF] weighing in with [NUMBER] of goals and [NANI / YOUNG / ANDERSON] catching the eye with [DYNAMIC / PACEY / ELEGANT] performances. Holding everything together was the [INFLUENCE / CAPTAINCY / SEXUAL EXPLOITS] of [38 / 39 / 40 / 41] year-old Ryan Giggs.
The final standings of the league table were never in doubt following [JANUARY / FEBRUARY / MARCH] when United easily beat their nearest rivals [MANCHESTER CITY / CHELSEA / LIVERPOOL]. Despite an early scare in [AUGUST / SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER] with a controversial defeat to [BOLTON / FULHAM / WEST BROMWICH ALBION] that Alex Ferguson blamed on [THE PITCH / THE NEW AWAY KIT / DAVID DE GEA], United survived an injury to [TOM CLEVERLEY’S ANKLE / NEMANJA VIDIC’S KNEE / MIKE PHELAN’S CHIN] to regroup and push forwards with even more intent.
Alex Ferguson has avoided speaking to [SKY / BBC / HIS WIFE] throughout the campaign after accusations of [HIS SON BEING A DODGY AGENT / HIS NOSE BEING THE REDDEST THING ON EARTH / MIKE PHELAN BEING AN ANDROID], but he celebrated wildly with [HIS TEAM / THE FANS / HIS HORSES] following confirmation of the title win.
The Premier League title goes along with the other [1 / 2 / 3 / 4] trophies that United have already won this season, and next week they compete in the Champions League final against [INTER / BARCELONA / ANZHI MAKHACHKALA] in [BERLIN / OSLO / TORSHAVN].
Manchester, March 8th 2011
Sir Alex Ferguson has followed up his media ban from the weekend by refusing to talk to his wife.
The Manchester United boss hasn’t spoken to the BBC in several years after they reported on his son’s dealings as an agent, and after the Red Devils 3-1 defeat to Liverpool this weekend he also refused to speak to any other media outlets, presumably whilst turning crimson and grunting under his breath.
Upon his arrival home at the weekend Inside the Sheepskin understands that Sir Alex immediately withdrew to his study where he has remained now for two nights, not even leaving to visit the bathroom. His wife has made repeated requests to speak to him – even trying to tempt him out of the room with his favourite boiled egg and soldiers – but he has bluntly ignored all efforts at contact.
He issued a statement yesterday morning, which was delivered to his wife on the back of a water bill that had been slipped underneath his study door. It is believed to have included the word “cheats” two hundred and thirty seven times. It is thought that Sir Alex will not speak to his wife or any family members again until the FA give Manchester United an additional 20 points in the Premier League for being Manchester United.
Sources close to the club have insisted that everything is fine and that assistant manager Mike Phelan will be fulfilling any marital duties that sir Alex cannot fill during his self-imposed communication ban. Phelan was seen leaving the Ferguson residence this morning with a shopping list and some dry cleaning.
Ferguson Residence (Guest Wing), March 2nd 2011
Referee Mark Clattenberg has ordered that the Manchester United defeat to Chelsea at Stamford Bridge on Tuesday night should be replayed.
After controversially not noticing Wayne Rooney attempt to decapitate Wigan’s James McCarthy on Saturday and then insisting that no further action should be taken against the striker at an FA hearing yesterday, the official has laughed off suggestions that he is biased towards the Old Trafford giants.
“It’s simple, really. The winning Chelsea goal came from a penalty that was definitely the wrong decision” said Clattenberg whilst polishing the bonnet of Sir Alex Ferguson’s Bentley with a duster made from his own children’s hair. “Also, Manchester United were really tired, and it was cold, and the Chelsea fans were too loud, and Edwin Van Der Sar had a migraine.”
The game on Tuesday night was refereed my Martin Atkinson, but this hasn’t stopped Clattenberg from weighing in with his opinion.
“I don’t like to talk badly of another official, but Martin is well known around the FA for being so blind that he actually has a dog to help him to and from his car, and he gets all his letters sent to him in braille. I’ve seen this with my own eyes.”
Clattenberg doesn’t just want a straight replay either – he is petitioning the FA to have the rematch played at Old Trafford, with Chelsea reduced to 8 men from the start of the game, having to play rush keepers and with no away support. “It’s only fair” he said, seeing Sir Alex walk across his garden and waving at him coyly, before awkwardly adjusting his underwear. “United need to be given our full support as the bastions of good sportsmanship that they are, and infidels such as Chelsea will not be allowed to defeat my beloved Red gods among men.”
After pausing, he then added “I meant our beloved Red gods. Not mine, of course.”
He left then after being summoned to clean the shoes of Ferguson. We did not see him take any shoe-cleaning equipment with him, but he did drink hastily from a bottle of water.
The replay is scheduled for next Wednesday.