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Tag Archives: Tottenham Hotspur
London, April 7th 2011
Two days after their disastrous 4-0 defeat to Real Madrid in the Champions League, Tottenham fans all over the capital are rubbing their eyes as if awaking from some unbelievable dream and immediately regretting several things that they may have said or promised in recent weeks.
Van driver John Taylor, 32, told us that he had embarrassed himself enormously during the course of Spurs run in the Champions League. “I actually told people, you know, people I actually like and respect, that we were now definitely one of the best teams in Europe” he said whilst clapping a hand to his face. “What was I thinking? We haven’t actually won a proper trophy in years.”
Taylor’s brother in law Gary Sutton, 28, echoed his feeling of utter stupidity. “I spent a fortune having a custom made flag stating that we were the best team in London, and sending picture messages of it to friends who are Arsenal and Chelsea fans. I feel like such a dick now. My dad told me that he hasn’t felt so ridiculous since putting a £5,000 bet on Spurs to beat Coventry 6-0 in the 1987 FA Cup Final.”
Taxi driver Nick Smith, 48, sat rocking backwards and forwards in his cab as we approached him, simply repeating the phrase “I told everyone I know that Gareth Bale was the best player in the world”.
Spurs fans are now expected to resume their usual pursuits: Watching Arsenal perform better than them whilst retaining some kind of mistaken belief that they have a god-given right to win trophies despite not winning the league since the 1960s.
Harry Redknapp is expected to be fired tomorrow, then be replaced by a succession of ill-thought out managers from different corners of the globe, many of who speak very little English and experiment with a controversial 2-3-5 formation.
Cardiff, March 28th 2011
Gary Speed has likened starlet Gareth Bale to Manchester United and Wales legend Ryan Giggs in a press conference this afternoon. Bale may be absent from the Wales squad due to an injury but he is still on the mind of Speed.
“Bale is a tremendous talent. He reminds me of Ryan Giggs on so many levels: Great pace, maturity beyond his years, an amazing left foot and the ability to have a hamstring injury whenever the national team is playing” said the new Wales boss.
Giggs is the all time Manchester United record holder but only appeared 64 times in a Wales career that stretched over 16 years. Speed said of his former team-mate that he was a joy to behold in training: “He would astonish us all with the excuses he would come up with to avoid a Wednesday night trip to Budapest. if our physio ever gave his hamstring the all clear he would find another way. I think he attended the funerals of around 17 different grandparents over the years.”
Speed also spoke of his admiration for Giggs’ recovering abilities. “I don’t think he ever missed a Manchester United game after international duty, so that hamstring must be almost superhuman. You’ve got to hand it to Giggsy, he’s at the top of his game one minute, then virtually crippled to avoid a game against Azerbaijan, then right at the top of his game again. I think Gareth Bale is already learning a lot from him.”
Inside The Sheepskin tried to speak to Bale today but upon calling Tottenham’s training ground Harry Redknapp answered and told us that in addition to his hamstring strain Bale had got a “dicky tummy and was at home in bed and definitely not at training right now, no.”
London, March 16th 2011
Tottenham Hotspur fans – renowned for being the pickiest in the world – are now irritating football supporters across the country with their constant blathering on about getting to the quarter finals of the Champions League.
One Leyton Orient fan told Inside the Sheepskin that a work colleague of his who supports Spurs had become the “bane of his life” with his constant bleating about a slight form of success in Europe.
“To be honest, I preferred it when he complained constantly about only having five top class strikers at the club or not having won the league that they have a god-given right to since 1961” said the fan. “I support a League One club and make the best of it. Now I have him emailing me 20 times a day asking me if I think they’ll win the Champions League, how much better Spurs are than Arsenal and how the Champions League is much more important than any domestic trophy.”
Spurs fans are snapping up t-shirts from their White Hart Lane club shop that read “at least the eighth best team in Europe” in their hundreds, and employers in North London have been deluged with requests for the date of the Champions League final off work from any Spurs fans that work for them.
Producers of the BBC’s “606” programme had to shorten the length of their programme last week to just half an hour. A source told us that “without Spurs fans calling in to complain about everything, the content of the programme was limited to one Manchester United fan from London, a couple of Liverpool fans using the phrase “nobody is bigger than the club” and a Manchester City fan weeping for three minutes before hanging up.”
It is thought that the current wave of optimism will be quashed once Tottenham are knocked out by Shakhtar Donetsk in the next round.