Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Tottenham
London, February 27th 2011
Young Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny has been voted into the all time greatest Arsenal players XI, as voted for by Tottenham Hotspur supporters.
The organisers of the poll stated that his “tremendous” performance in today’s Carling Cup final defeat as being responsible for his late surge into the starting line-up, replacing previous number one Manuel Almunia.
Szczesny is now selected alongside such Arsenal legends as Ian Selley, Pascal Cygan, Eddie McGoldrick, Gus Caesar, Chris Kiwomya, Pal Lydersen, Glenn Helder, Remi Garde and team captain Francis Jeffers.
Sources closest to the Arsenal keeper have stated that “Wojciech thinks this is a great honour. It’s usually so difficult to break into a side that is often dominated by George Graham’s midfield signings.”
Blackpool, February 22nd 2011
Tangerines boss Ian Holloway is in a serious but stable condition in hospital after having a logic based explosion following Blackpool’s win over Tottenham Hotspur this evening.
His injuries are not thought to be life threatening but have affected his capacity to provide witty post-match interviews for the near future, upsetting journalists everywhere who pretty much rely on his daftness in lieu of actual reporting.
Trouble started brewing after the final whistle. Holloway attended his usual press conference with legions of reporters ready to hear his latest amusing outburst, and he began on top form – describing his team as “legendary”, “exemplary” and best of all “spunktacular” before promising to bare his backside in the Jungle Gym at Blackpool Tower when Blackpool avoid relegation this season.
As we all know, this is standard Holloway fare. However, one hack pointed out Spurs excellent result in Milan last week and joked that it meant that Blackpool were now technically better than Milan.
Holloway remained stony and still, a vein bulging in his forehead. After twenty seconds of staring into space, he spoke in a staccato voice, his face twitching noticeably.
“Are Milan top of the league in Italy?” he asked, to which the press answered in the affirmative. After more blinking and twitching he convulsed and vomited black bile to his left. Upon doing so he briefly seemed more coherent, before starting to whisper to himself that “Milan beat Barcelona once… so we’re better than Barcelona…”
Upon saying this, Holloway stood up, wept openly and screamed “WE ARE THE GREATEST IN THE WORLD” before collapsing back into his seat.
As the flashbulbs went off in unison, his head exploded and the press were ushered away.
He has already spoken from his hospital bed, declaring himself as “Mumm-Ra, leader of the Tangerine empire and destroyer of civilisation” – a comment described by the Daily Mirror reporter that transcribed it as “Vintage Holloway”.