Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Wayne Rooney
Manchester, October 24th 2011
Following the astonishing result in yesterdays Manchester derby at Old Trafford, fans of football across England have had to choose the lesser of two evils to decide how they really feel about City’s amazing 6-1 victory.
We polled a cross section of fans this morning and we got the following results:
1: Fans jealous of Manchester City’s awesome spending power: 100%
2: Fans who generally dislike Manchester United: 100%
3: Fans who think that Manchester City’s unbelievable riches is killing the game: 100%
4: Fans who didn’t giggle uncontrollably when hearing the result and scoreline yesterday: 0%
Here are a selection of quotes:
Stephen Gibbons, 37: “As a fan you can’t be proud of how City have spent and spent and spent in order to find some glory. That said, watching Sir Alex seethe from the touchline was marvellous.”
Gary Chambers, 41: “I know they’ve overspent but I wouldn’t care if it was 11 paedophiles out there if it meant a spanking for United.”
Alan Walker, 26: “Yesterday was the happiest day of my life, and I don’t even like football. Just knowing that Rooney and his chums had to feel miserable for a few minutes before climbing into the SUVs and heading home to their mansions was sweet. So sweet.”
United fans have been quick to criticise City for their spending, pointing to United’s many honest bargain signings like Wayne Rooney, Dimitar Berbatov and Phil Jones and their youth team products that were hand-stolen from other academies, as well as their ramshackle little stadium.
City have been celebrating the win today by buying the nation of Liechtenstein.
The Red Devils have celebrated winning their [INSERT NUMBER] Premier League title with a victory over [INSERT NAME].
United have been [DOMINANT / EFFERVESCENT / POWERFUL] all season, with players like [ROONEY / CHICARITO / MAME BIRAM DIOUF] weighing in with [NUMBER] of goals and [NANI / YOUNG / ANDERSON] catching the eye with [DYNAMIC / PACEY / ELEGANT] performances. Holding everything together was the [INFLUENCE / CAPTAINCY / SEXUAL EXPLOITS] of [38 / 39 / 40 / 41] year-old Ryan Giggs.
The final standings of the league table were never in doubt following [JANUARY / FEBRUARY / MARCH] when United easily beat their nearest rivals [MANCHESTER CITY / CHELSEA / LIVERPOOL]. Despite an early scare in [AUGUST / SEPTEMBER / OCTOBER] with a controversial defeat to [BOLTON / FULHAM / WEST BROMWICH ALBION] that Alex Ferguson blamed on [THE PITCH / THE NEW AWAY KIT / DAVID DE GEA], United survived an injury to [TOM CLEVERLEY’S ANKLE / NEMANJA VIDIC’S KNEE / MIKE PHELAN’S CHIN] to regroup and push forwards with even more intent.
Alex Ferguson has avoided speaking to [SKY / BBC / HIS WIFE] throughout the campaign after accusations of [HIS SON BEING A DODGY AGENT / HIS NOSE BEING THE REDDEST THING ON EARTH / MIKE PHELAN BEING AN ANDROID], but he celebrated wildly with [HIS TEAM / THE FANS / HIS HORSES] following confirmation of the title win.
The Premier League title goes along with the other [1 / 2 / 3 / 4] trophies that United have already won this season, and next week they compete in the Champions League final against [INTER / BARCELONA / ANZHI MAKHACHKALA] in [BERLIN / OSLO / TORSHAVN].
Manchester, April 7th 2011
Wayne Rooney has issued a statement this afternoon to make the press aware that he will be appealing against his wife Colleen’s choice of dinner for this evening.
A representative for Rooney issued the following statement:
“Wayne has decided, upon consulting his agent and Alex Ferguson, that he is to appeal against his wife and her choice of dinner for this evening. Wayne is deeply unhappy at the choice that Colleen made upon her weekly visit to Asda yesterday. He had repeatedly stated what he would have liked for dinner tonight and this was ignored. Therefore he cannot sit idly by and allow Colleen to choose the contents of tonight’s meal.
Wayne has made his feelings known several times about vegetables. With the exception of corn on the cob from KFC he does not eat any vegetables, no matter how much Colleen may insist that they are good for him. For Colleen to choose a microwaveable medley of vegetables is an insult to Wayne, especially as this medley contains carrots, his absolute least favourite type of food.
This decision is made even worse with the choice of lasagne to accompany the vegetables. Wayne has repeatedly stated that he does not like lasagne as it is too foreign. Wayne has very specific dietary requirements and is left with no choice to appeal these decisions.”
It is thought that the appeal will take place in the kitchen of the Rooney residence later on today. Rooney is expected to calmly appeal at first, and then scream and roll around on the floor kicking his legs and beating his fists until his wife relents.
Rooney is suspected to want his “favourite tea” tonight of turkey drummers, super noodles and baked beans with a fab for dessert.
Ferguson Residence (Guest Wing), March 2nd 2011
Referee Mark Clattenberg has ordered that the Manchester United defeat to Chelsea at Stamford Bridge on Tuesday night should be replayed.
After controversially not noticing Wayne Rooney attempt to decapitate Wigan’s James McCarthy on Saturday and then insisting that no further action should be taken against the striker at an FA hearing yesterday, the official has laughed off suggestions that he is biased towards the Old Trafford giants.
“It’s simple, really. The winning Chelsea goal came from a penalty that was definitely the wrong decision” said Clattenberg whilst polishing the bonnet of Sir Alex Ferguson’s Bentley with a duster made from his own children’s hair. “Also, Manchester United were really tired, and it was cold, and the Chelsea fans were too loud, and Edwin Van Der Sar had a migraine.”
The game on Tuesday night was refereed my Martin Atkinson, but this hasn’t stopped Clattenberg from weighing in with his opinion.
“I don’t like to talk badly of another official, but Martin is well known around the FA for being so blind that he actually has a dog to help him to and from his car, and he gets all his letters sent to him in braille. I’ve seen this with my own eyes.”
Clattenberg doesn’t just want a straight replay either – he is petitioning the FA to have the rematch played at Old Trafford, with Chelsea reduced to 8 men from the start of the game, having to play rush keepers and with no away support. “It’s only fair” he said, seeing Sir Alex walk across his garden and waving at him coyly, before awkwardly adjusting his underwear. “United need to be given our full support as the bastions of good sportsmanship that they are, and infidels such as Chelsea will not be allowed to defeat my beloved Red gods among men.”
After pausing, he then added “I meant our beloved Red gods. Not mine, of course.”
He left then after being summoned to clean the shoes of Ferguson. We did not see him take any shoe-cleaning equipment with him, but he did drink hastily from a bottle of water.
The replay is scheduled for next Wednesday.
Manchester, February 27th 2011
Following controversy regarding the obvious elbow on Wigan’s James McCarthy during Manchester United’s 4-0 victory at the DW Stadium on Saturday, it has emerged that Wayne Rooney has escaped punishment for several other violent outbursts.
Referee Mark Clattenberg has been accused of turning a blind eye to the incident at the weekend, whilst United assistant boss Mark Phelan has insisted the referee saw the incident. “Of course he saw it” stated the mouthpiece of sir Alex Ferguson. “He even told Wayne it was a cracking shot and laughed at McCarthy on the ground.” When asked if this was wrong, Phelan replied “of course not. He’s Wayne fucking Rooney.”
Following on from this, sources close to the club have confirmed the other rumoured incidents involving the England striker:
He once kicked a kitten over a fence just to impress Colleen;
He set fire to a disused factory in Manchester and filmed it to post on YouTube;
He slapped a 5 year old autograph hunter in the face screaming “there’s your fucking signature”;
Most tellingly of all, last close season he travelled to Nevada after watching the Johnny Cash biopic Walk The Line. Wanting to actually echo the sentiments of the song, he found a homeless man and as friends and family gathered around he tied him up and shot him point blank in the face. Police were aware of this but apparently Rooney had special dispensation to do this.
The Nevada chief of police stated yesterday that he had letters signed by Prime Minister David Cameron and the Football Association saying that Rooney should be allowed freedom to do whatever he chose, a request to which the chief was told to adhere to. He did question it though, and was apparently told “he can do whatever he pleases. He is, after all, Wayne Fucking Rooney.”