Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Wigan Athletic
Los Angeles, January 20th 2012
Major League Soccer side LA Galaxy are celebrating Victoria Beckham signing a new contract on behalf of her husband today, with the 36 year old midfielder agreeing to stay at the club for “as long as Victoria wants to stay in California”.
Victoria – known for being stick-thin and her minor hit single with Dane Bowers entitled “Out of Your Mind” – has enjoyed settling on the west coast of the USA, attending endless parties, shopping like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” on Rodeo Drive and tanning her already leathery skin yet further. David has on the other hand been subject to playing in a sub-standard league whilst trying to convince the world that the MLS was in any way valid and important like the stylish little automaton that his wife has programmed him to be.
There had been rumours that David might have been coming back to the English Premier League, based chiefly on the fact that Victoria was seen shopping in London during the first week of January whilst David watched the children. Only one top flight club was interested in him though, with Wigan Athletic keen on bringing the past-it midfielder in to play ten minutes per game and double their home attendances to 2,000.
Paris St Germain was also a rumoured destination, merely because Victoria spent the entire autumn fashion season there whilst David remained in Los Angeles watching their children. MLS fans can now rejoice though, with David Beckham playing to packed stadiums of confused fans alongside Robbie Keane, who has admitted that the Galaxy “had been his team since he was a kid”.
Victoria Beckham will keep David at LA Galaxy until he is 40, when he will be packed up and placed in a wardrobe behind her many, many dresses.
Wigan, March 13th 2011
The town of Wigan – population around 80,000 – is reeling from the sudden realisation that they seem to have a team in the top flight of English football.
It seems that the team – one “Wigan Athletic” – have been in the Premier League since 2005 without anyone in the Greater Manchester area or beyond really noticing. They play at a virtually new 25,000 seat capacity stadium and even managed to finish tenth in the 2005-2006 season. They’re managed by a Spaniard and have players of several different nationalities in their squad, rather than a few chain-smoking Mancunians and Lancashire journeymen.
People in this Rugby League mad town have been stunned by these revelations, swelling the sides – known as “the Latics” – most recent attendance to a massive 8,000 supporters wondering why only two people on the pitch were allowed to use their hands.
The management of the club have an amusing penchant for signing unknown South American footballers for large amounts of money, some of whom seem to be decent and some of whom seem to be called “Franco Di Santo”.
The club does have some regular grounding amongst all this unexpected wackiness, however. They are owned by a hyper conservative gobshite northerner and for all the overseas flair they still seem to believe that the Caldwell brothers are in some way gifted footballers.
Normal service is expected to resume in the next few years as the team slide from their current massively unexpected position back to the fourth tier of the league, playing teams like Stockport County and Rochdale.
Another shocking development is on the horizon though as it seems that a team from Wales might get promoted from the Championship this year. Whatever next!
Ferguson Residence (Guest Wing), March 2nd 2011
Referee Mark Clattenberg has ordered that the Manchester United defeat to Chelsea at Stamford Bridge on Tuesday night should be replayed.
After controversially not noticing Wayne Rooney attempt to decapitate Wigan’s James McCarthy on Saturday and then insisting that no further action should be taken against the striker at an FA hearing yesterday, the official has laughed off suggestions that he is biased towards the Old Trafford giants.
“It’s simple, really. The winning Chelsea goal came from a penalty that was definitely the wrong decision” said Clattenberg whilst polishing the bonnet of Sir Alex Ferguson’s Bentley with a duster made from his own children’s hair. “Also, Manchester United were really tired, and it was cold, and the Chelsea fans were too loud, and Edwin Van Der Sar had a migraine.”
The game on Tuesday night was refereed my Martin Atkinson, but this hasn’t stopped Clattenberg from weighing in with his opinion.
“I don’t like to talk badly of another official, but Martin is well known around the FA for being so blind that he actually has a dog to help him to and from his car, and he gets all his letters sent to him in braille. I’ve seen this with my own eyes.”
Clattenberg doesn’t just want a straight replay either – he is petitioning the FA to have the rematch played at Old Trafford, with Chelsea reduced to 8 men from the start of the game, having to play rush keepers and with no away support. “It’s only fair” he said, seeing Sir Alex walk across his garden and waving at him coyly, before awkwardly adjusting his underwear. “United need to be given our full support as the bastions of good sportsmanship that they are, and infidels such as Chelsea will not be allowed to defeat my beloved Red gods among men.”
After pausing, he then added “I meant our beloved Red gods. Not mine, of course.”
He left then after being summoned to clean the shoes of Ferguson. We did not see him take any shoe-cleaning equipment with him, but he did drink hastily from a bottle of water.
The replay is scheduled for next Wednesday.
Manchester, February 27th 2011
Following controversy regarding the obvious elbow on Wigan’s James McCarthy during Manchester United’s 4-0 victory at the DW Stadium on Saturday, it has emerged that Wayne Rooney has escaped punishment for several other violent outbursts.
Referee Mark Clattenberg has been accused of turning a blind eye to the incident at the weekend, whilst United assistant boss Mark Phelan has insisted the referee saw the incident. “Of course he saw it” stated the mouthpiece of sir Alex Ferguson. “He even told Wayne it was a cracking shot and laughed at McCarthy on the ground.” When asked if this was wrong, Phelan replied “of course not. He’s Wayne fucking Rooney.”
Following on from this, sources close to the club have confirmed the other rumoured incidents involving the England striker:
He once kicked a kitten over a fence just to impress Colleen;
He set fire to a disused factory in Manchester and filmed it to post on YouTube;
He slapped a 5 year old autograph hunter in the face screaming “there’s your fucking signature”;
Most tellingly of all, last close season he travelled to Nevada after watching the Johnny Cash biopic Walk The Line. Wanting to actually echo the sentiments of the song, he found a homeless man and as friends and family gathered around he tied him up and shot him point blank in the face. Police were aware of this but apparently Rooney had special dispensation to do this.
The Nevada chief of police stated yesterday that he had letters signed by Prime Minister David Cameron and the Football Association saying that Rooney should be allowed freedom to do whatever he chose, a request to which the chief was told to adhere to. He did question it though, and was apparently told “he can do whatever he pleases. He is, after all, Wayne Fucking Rooney.”