Football news, rumours and lies.
Tag Archives: Xavi
Manchester, March 13th 2011
Despite being named by foreign midfielders such as Xavi, Franck Ribery and Mesut Ozil as one of their favourite ever players, midfielders in the English Premier League are actively looking forward to the time that Manchester United stalwart Paul Scholes retires.
Fulham star Jonathan Greening played in the same youth set-up as Scholes but said yesterday “I’m sick to death of the little fucker. Every time I play against him I can’t walk for a week afterwards. He was like this as a kid as well. Wish we’d never called him Gingernuts.”
Bolton Wanderers’ American international Stuart Holden reacted to the news that Scholes may not retire at the end of the season by saying “fuck off. Really? Oh god.” He then wept openly in the corner of the room, rocking backwards and forwards.
Everton’s Jack Rodwell was asked if he thought Scholes was a “pitbull” in midfield, to which he replied “no way. He’s more like an ill-tempered terrier, starved of attention and love and running on spite and anger, with a chip on his shoulder the size of Altrincham and a temper that makes the Incredible Hulk look like Mother Theresa.”
Scholes was busy training yesterday and did not want to comment on the opinions of his peers. Inside the Sheepskin observed his usual routine: Firing balls through a hanging tyre from 30 yards with his gifted right foot, then kicking a child to death.
London, March 13th 2011
The constant rumours regarding the future of Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas have continued this week with yet more talk of him going to Barcelona. You know the rest, boyhood club, lifelong supporter yadda yadda yadda.
It is thought that the Catalan giants will make a bid for the central midfielder during the summer, just like they’ve been meant to have been doing for the past six years or so. I mean, it’s not like they have any better midfielders or anything like that. Like Xavi. Or Iniesta. Or Busquets. No.
Anyway, our football gossip columnist has been slipped a bribe by the Spaniard’s agent to raise his stock ahead of his contract renewal. Sorry, I mean has “spoken to a source close to Barcelona” who say that they are “definitely really interested in him this time”.
Fabregas is likely to be a direct replacement for any lightweight midfielders that Barcelona have, especially those with fibreglass bones and rubber-band ligaments who spent at least a quarter of a season out injured.
The players agent has insisted that the players renewed desire to join Barcelona has nothing to do with playing in an Arsenal side that couldn’t win a prize at an “Everyone Wins a Prize” hook-a-duck stall at a summer fair.