Jack Rodwell Imprisoned for Assault

Not seen: Dead Uruguayan.

Liverpool, 4th October 2011

Following the good news that young Everton midfielder Jack Rodwell has had his harsh red card from the weekend’s clash against Liverpool rescinded, it now seems that the youngster has been imprisoned for an undetermined amount of time following an alleged assault.

It is thought that Rodwell shook the hand of Liverpool attacker Luis Suarez in a Liverpool night club on Saturday evening, and this heinous attack may have snapped the Uruguayan trickster’s wrist in several places.

Suarez was carried out of the venue on a stretcher, before being tended to in the street.  A few minutes later he gingerly got to his feet and carried on drinking with no obvious ill effects.  Rodwell was escorted out of the venue despite his protests, and then placed in a police van where he was beaten down with truncheons and sprayed with mace “for his own safekeeping”.

Rodwell was then held overnight in a cell with no food, water or heat before being transferred to Strangeways where he will be held until the end of his sentence.  His case was heard in his absence today, with Suaraz and Kenny Dalglish giving their evidence in front of a judge that was wearing a 1980’s classic “Candy” Liverpool replica shirt.

Suarez wept in court, clutching his wrist.

Rodwell will be available again for Everton’s home game with Fulham in 2014.