Victoria Beckham Re-signs David to LA Galaxy

Wife out of shot, pulling strings

Los Angeles, January 20th 2012

Major League Soccer side LA Galaxy are celebrating Victoria Beckham signing a new contract on behalf of her husband today, with the 36 year old midfielder agreeing to stay at the club for “as long as Victoria wants to stay in California”.

Victoria – known for being stick-thin and her minor hit single with Dane Bowers entitled “Out of Your Mind” – has enjoyed settling on the west coast of the USA, attending endless parties, shopping like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” on Rodeo Drive and tanning her already leathery skin yet further.  David has on the other hand been subject to playing in a sub-standard league whilst trying to convince the world that the MLS was in any way valid and important like the stylish little automaton that his wife has programmed him to be.

There had been rumours that David might have been coming back to the English Premier League, based chiefly on the fact that Victoria was seen shopping in London during the first week of January whilst David watched the children.  Only one top flight club was interested in him though, with Wigan Athletic keen on bringing the past-it midfielder in to play ten minutes per game and double their home attendances to 2,000.

Paris St Germain was also a rumoured destination, merely because Victoria spent the entire autumn fashion season there whilst David remained in Los Angeles watching their children.  MLS fans can now rejoice though, with David Beckham playing to packed stadiums of confused fans alongside Robbie Keane, who has admitted that the Galaxy “had been his team since he was a kid”.

Victoria Beckham will keep David at LA Galaxy until he is 40, when he will be packed up and placed in a wardrobe behind her many, many dresses.

Study: Football Fans Expect Unrealistic Talent From Mere Humans

All of the above think you're shit

London, January 4th 2011

A group of leading scientists have spent the last year interviewing football fans, recording their comments in the stands and observing their television viewing habits to determine their expectations of the players that they watch every week.  The result?  Football fans have a totally unrealistic viewpoint of how good footballers actually are.

Head of the study was Professor Howard Davis who described the average football supporter as being “the most optimistic, surreal and goddamned unrealistic beasts around”.

When questioned in-depth, Davis highlighted the following key points:

*  The average fan seems to think that passing the ball 60 yards to the feet of a team-mate is incredibly simple to do

*  Most supporters believe that every single direct free kick should be scored, regardless of the distance from goal

*  Despite players being mere flesh and bone, fans expect them to be supermen who can sprint at full speed for 90 minutes

*  Every single footballer should be able to run the 100 metres with the ball under perfect control in less than ten seconds or be labelled as lazy

*  Goalkeepers are particularly singled out by fans as being useless because they can’t stop every single shot that comes at them

*  If a team loses then fans will often cite a lack of effort rather than the obvious shortcomings of their frankly mediocre players

Professor Davis cited several explanations for why fans could believe that their teams should consist of iron-willed supermen.  These include the rise of video games, the existence of Lionel Messi and general stupidity.

Despite the average fan’s unrealistic viewpoint of the skills of the players in the team that they support, when questioned each fan did completely believe that they were good enough to pull on their club’s shirt, mainly because they believed that their lack of talent would be balanced out by their heart and passion and “playing for the badge”.

The study – entitle Football Fans Can Be Fucking Idiots Sometimes is published this week.

 

Local Man Takes Credit for Penalty Award

Lee Brown, yesterday. In a fucking van.

Leicester, December 26th 2011

Following a dour boxing day draw between Championship sides Leicester City and Ipswich Town, Loughborough-based Leicester supporter Lee Brown is taking credit for the penalty that drew the Foxes level in the second half.

At a hastily arranged press conference from the corner of a bar in a city centre public house, Brown told the gathered crowd of three friends who had not attended the game that the penalty – converted by Paul Gallagher after a handball from Ipswich forward Jason Scotland – was awarded purely because he shouted for it from his position in the King Power Stadium’s South Stand.

“The ref wasn’t having none of it” said Brown, between gulps of Stella Artois from a vaguely unclean glass.  “He was walking away until I called him a cunt, then he looked up, nodded at me and gave the pen.  All down to me.”

Brown’s associates nodded and agreed with the 27 year old van driver, who has a history of affecting refereeing decisions both for club and country.  In particular, the David Beckham free kick against Greece in 2001 that took England to the 2002 World Cup was only awarded – according to Brown – because he shouted the word “twat” repeatedly at the television whenever the referee was in shot.

So, what’s next?  Brown is looking forward to the FA Cup where he has “big plans” for affecting the referee in the East Midlands derby between City and Nottingham Forest, mainly by saying that he had sex with his mum in order to gain City a vital last-minute corner.